Can I get some advice on the ex?

[TwentySmackeroos]

Ex has been with his affair partner since we separated. 3+ years.

Ex is expert in compartmentalising his life. Childcare is split approx 75/25 in my favour.

The children (four under 12) do not know the reason for the split. Ex has never mentioned to them the existence of his partner, so they blithely have no inkling that there is someone in his life.

His family, friends, colleagues have all met her and she is clearly in his life (social media, etc).

While I take a completely hands-off approach about his private life, I am increasingly worried about the potential effect on the children. I don't want to 'out' him to the children. But for example all the parents of the children's friends know about her.

Where I struggle is, ex is living in a bubble where he has one life (with her, public) and another which is Disney dad, hashtag making memories hashtag awesome dad.

I don't want to constantly be the enabler (e.g. It is me pushing for the divorce, doing the budgeting, as he does not want to deal with this 'compartment' at all). So I don't want to be the one who says 'you need to tell the kids about E' because I don't want to endorse or advance the relationship, and be the one to signal that I'm cool with it, but I am worrying that the children are completely in the dark and this will have some fallout for the dad-kid relationship down the line.

I suppose my question is: do I have a responsibility to the children to push this issue into the open, seeing as he won't?

OP - I don’t think you can or need to control his relationship with them.
What fall-out will there be when he finally tells them?
They are kids, they don’t know now these things should go.
One day when they are older - and if they ask about the reason you split - then you will tell them.
Under 12s - don’t need to know.

It’s not your responsibility, really.

I'd be happy he hasn't told the kids about her. He wants them very separate and it might be because he doesn't see her as permanent in his life.

It's for him to mention her to the kids.

How old are all the dc? You say 4 under 12, but how old are we talking and was she the OW? Does she have dc?

You are not under any obligation to smooth his path. As long as you are there for your dc then it's not your responsibility to facilitate or introduce them to her. Let that be his issue.

Are you both amicable? It sounds like there is understandably a bit of bitterness on your side. 75/25 in practice does not really make it your problem unless there are other issues at play.

Yes they should know. Mention it in passing.

Thanks for the replies.

Vladimir eldest will be 12 this year. All four are school-age.

I don't want to force the issue, but it seems to me that every adult we know knows, so it worries me now that the children are growing up and not far off social media age.

Not your responsibility and none of your business. His girlfriend his relationship his responsibility to tell.