Unreasonable other half

[Bono100]

Can someone please give me their honest opinion on my situation please.
Nearly 3 years ago my then new husband and myself bought a beautiful home and embarked on a huge renovation project. We both sank everything we had into it. He works away sometimes and we discussed what would happen if this arose again.

Things have been difficult as I have children from my first marriage and one is a terrible teen causing arguments between us.

He then takes a job 3 and a half hours away saying he wants us to rent the house out and me move and live in rented accommodation with him and one of my children will have to live with there dad until after his exams. I have very begrudgingly agreed to this with a few condition being:

He wears his wedding ring - he often doesn’t.
He does not live with a work colleague until I get to move who has a history of being a falanderer and he ends up behaving like a single bloke with him. Both times he has lived with him has had a very detrimental effect on our relationship.
He should consider not going skiing with his pals as money is tight and we should spend the time/funds together whilst living apart.

I have now found out he is living with said colleague for the past 6 weeks and lying blatantly to my face and booked a skiing holiday (still no sign of his wedding ring) I have become very angry about this and he now says he cannot be in a relationship where he is dictated to and is going to seek a divorce.

He also comes home with all of his sport viewing planned and little with me. When I protest about this he says ‘I’m not allowed to do anything ‘ and yesterday ‘ I was duped into this marriage’

He has spent the last two days telling me that I am a nasty horrible woman who just wants to control him and he can’t do anything.

Am I controlling.? Am I dictating? Be as honest as you like!

Sorry to add: when we discussed his work colleague he assured me that if it upset me that much he wouldn’t do it. He has now blamed me for expecting him to be ‘on his own and isolated from others’.

The terrible teen causing arguments...doesn't happen to be your husband does it? Because he sounds ridiculous.

Kidding aside he sounds like a petulant child that has to have everything his own way. Asking your husband to wear his ring and be considerate with finances etc isn't being a dictator. But it doesn't sound very much like a team either.

He’s asked you to tell your son he’s not welcome to live with you?! If nothing else, not even the cheating, rings alarm bells for you then surely that does? Please prioritise your son above this horrible, abusive man.

Him wearing his wedding ring won't stop any 'bad' behaviour , if that's what you are worried about. Sounds like he wants to be single to me.

He has asked if he would live with his dad until after his exams who lives very local - but not acceptable I agree.
I am not working at the moment as I took redundancy last year to retrain. I have since used all of my redundancy paying my usual share. This ran out at Christmas and he has paid extra. I have not heard the last of this and he now says he pays enough and WILL go on his holiday.
Writing it down makes confirms my thoughts but his aghast reaction to my point of view makes me wonder if I am the mad one.

I think hes looking for an excuse to end it tbh.

It seems he took this job and decided you'd move up there without any consultation or discussion with you.

He didn't consider your child moving in with his dad...meaning you'd see your DC less. I wouldn't be happy with that.

Regarding the wedding ring...if he's going to play around a ring won't stop him.

If money is tight...then he shouldn't go on holiday with his mates.

Re watching sports...I think that does come across a bit controlling. He's been away working all week...so watching sport when he's home is fine.

I'd like to think you got to spend some time with him over the weekend...
even a couple of hours.

The blatant lie about his friend isn't good...but he's old enough to chose his friends. I can understand you see him as a bad influence.

Sandy - he absolutely took this job without any consultation and told me he didn’t say anything until he knew he’d got it and it wouldn’t have changed anything anyway.
I know, I’d be screaming at me reading this.

Did you post before? Are the other kids happy to up and move and change schools and move, or is the terrible teen the last one of school age? It sounds like a nightmare to be honest to move again and move schools. Can you continue your studies in the new place. I wouldn't move so far away from one of my teenagers.
I'd never have agreed for him to take a job 3.5 hours away. Why did he do that?

Wow. This bit "he absolutely took this job without any consultation and told me he didn’t say anything until he knew he’d got it and it wouldn’t have changed anything anyway"
He didn't consult with you, his partner about it. And blatantly said he would not take your opinion (or your children) into consideration anyway.
I think you have answered your own question. Your children are your first priority.

No I haven’t posted before. Sitting here feeling very frustrated and questioning my sanity lead me here.
I have finished my studies now and looking for work in my new Industry.
One child is older and looking for work after University the other in second year of A levels.

it's not good enough that he took a job so far away without prior discussion.

Can you get a part time job ?

Yes I am going for an Interview this week. I have put it on hold thinking that I will be moving but that needs to change now.

I have asked him outright if he would prefer to be single in recent weeks but he claims not.
I think what he does want is me to do everything he says and have no opinion of my own - because whenever I do it leads to this.
I have tried to explain that I shouldn’t have to ‘dictate’ these things as if he loved and respected me it wouldn’t be an issue he is creating.

Frankly, it does sound like he'd rather be single but can't bring himself to end it so he's moved away to avoid you and is being a general pain until you get the hint.

And btw, don't blame arguments with your husband on your son. They're between you and your husband.

Thanks jojo. The arguments are because he says I am not hard enough on him and he gets away with murder. I don’t agree with this a feel I have to support my son.
I tend to agree about him wanting to be single but then he keeps sending me pictures of houses to rent so it’s all very confusing.

Him meaning my son sorry.

Why is EVERYTHING his decision? Don’t ask him if he wants to be single, tell him he’s single and don’t look back.

I suppose because I wanted to make it work. Sadly I realise now that if he can’t look at his own faults as much as he examines mine it never will - and I don’t want to be in a relationship where me getting my way on things that are important to me is seen as ‘dictating’.

Then you're arguing because you have different views on parenting.

If you feel he sends mixed messages, then perhaps he'd like you two to try but he's really fed up with all the situations with you and your son? So he's created this scenario to try to have a situation where it's just the two of you and your son is out of the picture? Even if that's the case, it'd be awfully manipulative for my liking.

I know he is fed up of the situation with my son - he can be extremely difficult and rude. Even so he is my son and I obviously love him. He has put up with a lot from my son recently and I know he’s fed up of it.

I feel as though if I solved that problem another would come along. I think divorce is becoming inevitable and writing it all down tonight has helped me clarify my thoughts- thanks to everyone