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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Scared to tell ex about new partner

29 replies

2018Anon · 11/03/2018 21:22

Been split from ex partner for nearly a year now. I still live in the family home which has been on the market since we separated. I'm trying to get it sold so I can move on completely. I pay the mortgage on my own after ex moved out.
Ive been seeing someone for a couple of months now. Although its still early days, I do hope to introduce him to the kids in a couple of months. We struggle to have time together as my ex doesn't have the kids very often.
I am really worried about telling him. He was very volatile when we first separated and, although he's calmed down now, I have no clue how he will take it.
Because he technically owns half the house, I'm scared he will cause trouble with the sale. We owe my parents money when the house sells and I'm also scared he might take some of that money.
It would probably make sense to wait for the house to sell first but its taking a long time and still no interest.
Does anyone have any personal experience of this? Any advice on how to approach it?
Is it disrespectful to have my new partner in the family home? I can imagine he won't be happy about that either.

OP posts:

crimsonlake · 11/03/2018 21:25

Really this is none of his business, you do not need to tell him anything. Why do you appear to think you do?

Original poster

2018Anon · 11/03/2018 21:27

I just thought it was the right thing to tell him first. If/when I introduce the kids to my dp, they will obviously mention him to their Dad so I didn't want him to find out from the kids.

OP posts:

BIWI · 11/03/2018 21:29

Firstly, it's none of his business, so you don't have to tell him quite yet. But even if you do tell him (because if your DC have met your new partner, they will probably say something!), it's still none of his business - no matter how volatile he might be about it.

But second, if he technically owns half the house, why are you paying the mortgage on it?

And no, it's not disrespectful to have a new partner in the house - it's your home! You've been split for a year now, it's not like it's only been 5 minutes.

Cricrichan · 11/03/2018 21:31

Have you taken legal advice? What he should be contributing and how things will be split?

Original poster

2018Anon · 11/03/2018 21:33

Thanks for your replies. I agreed to pay the mortgage if he agreed to move out. He couldn't afford to rent and pay half the mortgage so we would have been stuck living together until the house sold.
I do realise its none of his business, but was trying to do the right thing by telling him. I really do feel sick at the thought.

OP posts:

misscph1973 · 11/03/2018 21:39

I get it. If I were you I would not tell DC or ex until the house is sold. For your own peace of mind.

Grufeling · 11/03/2018 21:40

Hmmm... my ex reacted very very badly to my new partner and did everything to cause trouble (it didn't work). It wasn't even that he wanted me back - just didn't like the thought of me moving on with my life; kids meeting current partner (god knows what he expected after having 'dallied' with a woman 24 years younger but hey ho ...).

He also (rather paradoxically) demanded current partner contribute towards costs of raising kids (weird since we don't even live with each other). I think he thought that would scare new partner off.

I would never have thought ex could behave so shittily (abusive texts/voicemails to me and new partner). SO self-absorbed. Just be careful how and when you do it and keep safe.

Original poster

2018Anon · 11/03/2018 21:40

Cricrichan I did take some legal advice when we first separated. Unfortunately, as we are jointly named on the house and mortgage, he would be entitled to 50% of any proceeds. I'm not sure the fact he's not paying the mortgage makes any difference.

OP posts:

Original poster

2018Anon · 11/03/2018 21:42

Grufeling this is what worries me. The irony of it is, that I found out he started seeing an old girlfriend before he had even moved out of our home. He doesn't know that I know this. I've been saving it!

OP posts:

Original poster

2018Anon · 11/03/2018 21:44

misscph1973 yes this is what I thought but the house has already been on the market nearly a year (2 sales fell through) so I feel like my whole life is being put on hold.

OP posts:

Cricrichan · 11/03/2018 21:47

What about your parents' contribution? How did they pay it and what does your solicitor say about that?

Shylo · 11/03/2018 21:49

In an ideal world it sounds like you’d be better keeping it to yourself until the house sale goes through ...... your post suggests that it’s been on the market for a year. If so, why isn’t it selling? What do you need to do get the house shifted? I think I’d focus on that for the next couple of months whilst seeing how your new relationship developments

Original poster

2018Anon · 11/03/2018 21:58

cricrichan unfortunately it was a gifted deposit and we didn’t have something drawn up to officially pay them back. I should also have had a higher stake in the house but didn’t state this on the document. Stupid in hindsight but I had expected us both to pay back the money!
Shylo I had lots of interest in the house last year but 2 sakes fell through. I changed agents but Dec, jan and Feb aren’t great months. I’ve been told thing should pick up in spring. I can’t afford to drop the price.

OP posts:

OliviaBenson · 11/03/2018 22:06

My advice would be don't rush introducing your dp to your kids. You should wait until things are sorted with the house.

misscph1973 · 12/03/2018 09:47

Waiting for a house to sell is no fun. I've been there.

I still think you should wait it out. The house will sell and then you can think about telling your DC and ex about your new partner.

Original poster

2018Anon · 12/03/2018 10:13

Yes I think waiting a bit longer is probably best. If I've not had an offer in the next 2/3 months though I might have to re-think as I can't put my life on hold for to much longer.
I do keep hoping he will announce his relationship (if he's still in it) before I do which would definitely make my life easier.

OP posts:

mm2one · 12/03/2018 17:58

I wonder if the reason you want to tell your ex about your new guy is because you know your ex is seeing an old girlfriend and you want to show him that you are also moving on with your life?

Reading your post makes me think its a bit of a reckless idea. If I were to put myself in your ex shoes and if I knew my ex was sleeping with some other man in the bed in the house I still own.. I might be upset.

I think it's better to say nothing. Wait until.the house is sold and everything is sorted out.

Then wait some more and in time your ex will discover you have another man.

If at a much later date he also discovers you were seeing him while you two still owned the house and in the same house.. he will hopefully dismiss it as just sneaky sly untrustworthy women ... But by then, so much time will have passed that it won't affect him as much.

Original poster

2018Anon · 12/03/2018 19:16

mm2one it’s hardly to get back at him cos I’ve known about this girlfriend for about 5 months!! I want to tell him so I don’t have to keep sneaking around and basically putting my life on hold.
It’s pribablt sensible to wait a bit longer and see if the house moves.
If I end up having to tell him and he kicks off then I’ll tell him and his girlfriend to move into it instead!

OP posts:

HeddaGarbled · 13/03/2018 00:02

If the children are with you more than him, you may be entitled to more than 50%. I'd keep schtum about the boyfriend and get some more up to date legal advice. Definitely don't move out so him and his girlfriend can move in!

Startingoveragain33 · 13/03/2018 09:50

Could you not buy your ex out?

Original poster

2018Anon · 13/03/2018 09:59

HeddaGarbled I've not heard that before. I thought the whole point in a signing the 'tenants in common' document was so it was clear what % you get.
I was joking about him and the girlfriend moving in as I know he wouldn't.
Startinoveragain33 I wish I could buy him out. I've not looked into it but we barely got the mortgage on both our salaries so its pretty pointless. Doesn't seem to count that I have been paying the mortgage on my own for nearly a year!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

2018Anon · 13/03/2018 09:59

Also, I still have to pay my parents back and I couldn't afford to do this and keep the house on. It needs to be sold.

OP posts:

GreenBlackRed · 13/03/2018 10:23

Have you had legal advice re paying the mortgage? My friend who did this was got a higher % of the house value due to paying the mortgage on their own and this was only for 6-9 months of payment

Deecee1012 · 13/03/2018 12:45

Re' finances, I agree with another poster. Get some up to date advice, perhaps another solicitor? Don't be too eager to share any information with him either - he's not entitled to know anything about your private life!
Don't view it as 'life on hold' either...it's there, just not publicly.
Best of luck.

Goldilocks3Bears · 13/03/2018 13:12

Clarification on the house thing as I've lived that situation for the past two years;

at the moment yes you jointly own it but until there is a financial resolution in place for the divorce, he does not "own 50/50"
as you seem to have main residency of child(ren), he is also unlikely to get 50/50 by the courts when you get to that point.
he is however legally no obliged to pay the mortgage. When you take a joint mortgage, you agree to bear each others liability so if he isn't paying, you have to. It was the first thing my XH was told when he left and got legal advice.

On the new man front - I'd keep it on the secret until you're divorced. I have the same situation and kept it secret for 8 months and now the kids have met him but not said anything to their dad.

Good luck and hang in there...

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