How do I teach myself to be attracted to nice men?

[lostindreams]

I have always had terrible taste in men. When I was very young it was guys with girlfriends. Then I grew up a bit and that seemed to morph into guys on the rebound or just generally men who are interested but not interested enough. I'm approaching 40 and would very much like to settle down and have a family.

For the past few years I've become much better at weeding out guys who aren't emotionally available or just after something casual. I just don't date them which means I don't date at all. I've always had male friends who have wanted to date me but I've always discounted them as I didn't fancy them. One by one they've all found girlfriends and I've always regretted not at least giving it a go with someone nice and who likes me.

So, how do I teach myself to be attracted to people who I know would be good for me? My last boyfriend was a great guy who I was attracted to so I know I can do it but I haven't been met anyone since who I fancied and was available. I have had counselling so I am very aware of my own issues.

Then put the stuff you learned into practice. Ask yourself why you find someone attractive and whether or not it is all adding up to the same old same old. You can't b taught but you can unlearn some of the old ways. It is an ongoing process though. YOu can't be complacent and think yoou have passed the final exam.
You also have to ask, what is it that these men find attractive in you?
This is a two way system.
What is the message you are sending out that the unsuitable types are honing in on?

I'm forever being told by men how aloof I seem to them but this is because I'm actually really shy and it takes me a while to trust people. I know I need to work on being more emotionally available myself but I find it hard to be vulnerable even with friends.

No answers here but reading with interest as I have the same issue.

Work on yourself and your self esteem - the rest will happen naturally
You can’t force yourself to like a certain type - you can only change yourself

I guess you need to work on why you find it hard to be vulnerable? Maybe a short course of counselling?

I've only ever really been attracted to nice men. I like the way their face lights up when they look at me, that they want the best for me and I can trust them. Try imagining yourself with someone that thinks you are wonderful. That is an attractive man, who deserves your time and affection.

I'm not saying marry someone who you have no spark with, but try dating men who are lovely and see how it goes.

What was your dad like?

Remote1candles - I wish I could be more like you!

applesandpears56 - My dad is very emotionally distant. When I was a kid he acted like he hated me. That's why I find it very hard to trust men. I have done counselling before but perhaps I need to go back to it.

I've reached the stage where I'm aware of my pattern but it's still hard to break free and actively choose someone I know is good for me because I don't feel a connection.

I'm older now so I'm not looking for fireworks but some chemistry would be nice.

Being aware is a great start! At least half of the battle. Yes maybe do more counselling if you can afford it?

Other than that do things that you really love in your spare time and push yourself to follow them further (like go on a trip or join a club). Meeting someone with a common positive outlook to you is helped by having things in common imo

Hi OP
Well two things...
The first (as perhaps you’ve covered in counselling?) is that we often try to replicate our relationship with our parent in our relationships - in order to fix some of the emotional hurt we experienced in childhood. So we look for the man/woman with the same traits as father/mother - only this time we try and get them to respond the right way, not the way our parent did. We become attracted to the thing which hurt us, in the hope of making a different ending and repairing ourselves. It can lead to all kinds of problems.
And the worse the relationship and the greater the hurt, the more damage it does to us going forward.

The second thing is (I’m sure I might be flamed) that it seems to me very common that women love a man to appear invulnerable. Like they adore a man when they think there is nothing they could do to hurt him emotionally. He maybe kind, or thoughtful, and even sensitive, but such clear boundaries that you can’t upset him. You step out of line and you could be toast but he’s never going to feel emotional pain at your doing. I don’t know why - something to do with presenting as strong, allowing her to feel safe? Who knows?

So you’ve got it doubly bad - on the one hand - a father who was distant and unloving - (needing a distant undemonstrative type) and then a more common animal attraction to a man who won’t appear vulnerable. Ergo - a man you can’t hurt who won’t mind hurting you! Is that the picture for you I wonder? So the more emotionally sensitive/responsive men just ain’t going to do it for you?
I’ve gone out on a limb but if the above hits a chord then you need to retrain your responses, try new ways of perceiving behaviours (good and bad) and look for something very much more genuine. I don’t think it’s impossible - it’s all within you!

Maybe also think about how you know when you're attracted to someone..? I have a friend who sounds a bit like you and she always goes for men who give her 'butterflies in her stomach' but a lot of the time these aren't good guys and what she's feeling is anxiety that she's misinterpreting..

I think you need to believe that you are someone who deserves to be with someone who respects them.

That’s a really good point villamaria- we can very easily attribute qualities in someone else because of what they trigger in us and misinterpret what’s going on.