What to do

[worldmap7]

Regular user, new name.

My husband gambled away a significant amount of money 2 and a half years ago. Cited depression, stress etc etc. I was due a baby the next month so stayed. Worked hard to get lonely and trust back. Not sure I've ever trusted him since, really.

Yesterday we went for a meal with friends, I asked him to paid. He disappeared to bar with friend and told me he'd paid the bill. It was playing on my mind and I confronted him to ask if he'd definitely paid it all: he confirmed he had; I asked to see his online banking which shows he only paid half - friend paid other half:

I know that seems like a stupid insignificance but I lost it and said marriage was over: he said he only lied so I wouldn't get mad as friend had insisted. he is amazing with the children, like really brilliant. I can't face moving so want to buy him out (possible): he is saying I'm ending everything for nothing.

Really don't know what to do:

The significant thing is you've not really trusted him for 2 5 years.
What would it need to change that?
Do you love him?
It there respect and care in the relationship? Equality in looking after your child(ren)?
Can you see a life without him? Is it more attractive than your current life?

To me trust and honest are bedrocks in a relationship, damage those and you're damaging everything

he said he only lied so I wouldn't get mad as friend had insisted

If he had not lied and said "We ended up splitting the bill - I told Bob I would get it but he was absolutely insistent that we split it, so I agreed."

If he'd been honest, would you have "got mad"? Or is he just painting that as an excuse for his lie?

Trust has clearly been damaged here. Have you considered counselling? Is he getting therapy for his gambling addiction? There's lots of potential help out here; since you seem to have a lot of positives in your relationship I'd seek help before ending things

Yes I think I would have got mad. I feel very stressed just now and o need to work on that, probably with outside help.

He is seriously great with our children, I work part time at alternate times from his work. When I come home the children had been attended to and the house is clean. He hasn't gambled since it all came out.

Thanks for all input here, much appreciated.

Why would you have been mad? Was it a special occasion for your friends? I'm wondering if it was that important that you guys treated, why you didn't go and pay yourself?

The phrase "pick your battles" is occurring to me. If he genuinely hasn't gambled, is doing his fair share of housework and childcare - what more do you want from him in order to repair the relationship?

Did you ever have relationship counselling after you discovered the gambling, or help from GA or similar?

Are you with him because he attends to your children and cleans the house or because you love him and value him as your partner? If not the latter then you have your answer..

I didn't pay myself as he was going up. I know it doesn't sound like a big deal but the lying upset me.

Yes I love him, very much.

You are upset because he wasn't honest with you

Between the two of you, something needs to happen to improve the trust that was damaged by his previous deceit.

It sounds there are lots of positives and a reason to try and fix.