Difficult Mothers and Mother's Day

[Blessyourheart]

It's so difficult to see FB and messages from friends full of things that are doing with their mum and how much they love each other. She has always been a difficult person and this will always will be.

The past is what it is. Mother's Day make me long for the relationship I would have loved and missed out on.

A few of my friends have lost their DM. When some has had a decent relationship with their DP's it must be hard to understand more difficult ones.

I don't want any harm to come to her but simply don't feel happy to have her in my life. People that say I'm lucky to have her today simply don't understand how hard it is to have a parent that doesn't love you.

Relationships can be complicated and can fail despite all the (one-sided) best efforts.

I love my mum really dislike her. My secret is my mum is horrible - I'm very sad today.

I have good relationships with my family, siblings, other family members, have lots friends and a good job. I can't shake the feeling that if my own mother doesn't love me, I must be unlovable.

My own family is lovely and my DC won't feel this way.

I understand how hard it is to have a difficult mother.
Other people who have lovely mothers and have good relationships with their mothers do find it very difficult to understand.

Me too bless, I could have written your post word for word, you are not alone. I will always grieve for the relationship I would have loved to have had with my mum.

I understand your pain.
I have to go and give a card to my mum and I am dreading it and the emotions it will throw up. I keep saying to my husband that I wish we could move really far away so I wouldn't have to see either of my parents anymore.

I’m glad I’m NC as I now have no expectations to be shattered, nor does my dd, but despite being together 24 years and my dh knowing how she hurts me he thinks I should send a card ‘just in case’.

He lost both his parents and I’m afraid I was blunt. Said she was nothing like his mum and asked why dd and I both deserved to be treated as we had been? Then explained that as a mother myself now I couldn’t ever see how the big things she’d put me through over the years was ever anything I’d do to our daughter and we both deserve better.

He morns his mum but it’s clouding his view so this year will be hard knowing that.

I would suggest you look at, read and or post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages. You will get replies that way too.

Stop reading the FB messages as well, people only put up on there what they want others to see.

You have choices still re your mother and you do not have to have her in your life at all if she is making you feel constantly unhappy or otherwise feel on edge. You are not her emotional punchbag. If your mother does not love you that is an issue of her own making and does not make you unlovable to others at all. She has caused you to have feelings of fear, obligation and guilt.

What is the relationship like between your siblings and mother these days?. What is your role here in your family of origin?. Where's your dad in all this as well, is he still in your life?

It is to your credit that your own DC won't feel this way because unlike your own mother, you treat them with love respect and kindness. It is NOT your fault your mother is the ways she is; you did not make her that way (her own family of origin did that).

Im nc with mine

Today is about me and my dc

My mother is at present on holiday but I have never given her a card or anything else for MD also because I have not wanted to. The fact that she herself hates MD makes it easier for me not to do that.

Joysmum - your DH needed to be told that by you and his own pain does not in any way nullify yours re your mother.

me too. my mother obviously disliked me, preferred my younger siblings, did nothing to protect me from abusive dad. I am not sending her a card. It would be so fake and meaningless. I do see her now after 8 years of NC, but I could quite happily never see her again and it wouldn't bother me.

I don’t celebrate mother’s d with mine OP but my ds does with me. It can feel hypocritical but our relationships are so different.

Joys I feel like I'm grieving all of the time. I understand that it's not like actually losing a loved one but it's difficult all the same. This is what I'm talking about. People with good relationships, especially those that have lost loving parents can't imagine and I'm sure thinking I'M cold or difficult.

I didn't buy anything or send a card and that seems so cold. I can't do anything else it's just too difficult to make a saccharine effort that validates it was all my fault (it was not).

It took decades for my DH to understand. After my DC thought my dps were dead, I made a massive, last ditch effort to improve the relationship. DH was shocked by the lack of interest coupled with an enormous sense of entitlement. I'm very low contact and better for it.

One sibling (favourite/golden child) has what outsiders would see as a normal relationship. The rest feel the same as I do but they make more of an effort.

DF enables her and won't talk about the past. She has the most judgemental and vicious tongue. The things she has said are so terrible that he can't justify or ignore. They are a team and he would never push back like I do. I feel guilt (on days like today) but not obligation or fear.

Fucking mother has just commented on a cat video I posted on Facebook. NC for months and now this is a public calculated tact to get me to cave. Nope. She can apologise and I’d be low contact and polite but no way am I going to have a close relationship with her again.

Try not to tie yourself up in knots, just ignore.

My m (can't put D) sent me a Mother's Day card and sent a text very early before I had a chance. To other people I'm sure it looks like I'm bitter and difficult. I'm sure she will be telling my aunt's all about what she's done and how baffled she is by my thoughtlessness. If they believe the spin, that's on them.

I sent my dm a card from my dc for grandma but nothing from me. Don’t know whether to send a text or not. It’s so difficult. Makes me endlessly sad

Dh usually do the same for both mums but it has too difficult lately to do this.

I ended up making a card because the ones in shops are all so effusive- I don't want to send something that says to the most wonderful mother or the best mother because she's been a fucking awful mother- I'm LC and deliberately live quite far away.

Op I feel your pain.
I was texting my brother last night he was saying I should go round and see her but just doesn't see how differently she treats us and always has.
I've just spent an hour on the phone to her listening to all her sly digs
Then she started telling me that I need to TELL my dd (13) what to do (she had plans to go out with her friend then dm invited her for dinner but she already had plans)
I asked why would I make my dd cancel plans she already has? Apparently because I'm her dm

I hate seeing fb saying "Thanks for always supporting me mom" and yes I'll say it I'm jealous. Why do all those people get to have their mom's support and I don't?
It is tough but I do find just being here and knowing there's other people who have dm just like mine helps.

I have already started on my mother's day alcohol

I live thousands of miles away from mine and don't contact her on Mother's Day. No way do I want to buy into her charade that she's a loving mother.

Been and handed over the card this morning, felt so anxious all morning until it was done.

My mum is totally selfcentred and has no interest in any of the family; we're LC and she has not spoken to my DB for ten years and hasn't spoken to any of my DDads family since he died 7 years ago, but none of it is her fault, everyone else is wrong and she is always right.

She's away for the next month so I don't have to think about her, thank God

Its so sad reading all these posts but also slightly comforting that im not alone in feeling like i do today (and every day)

I deactivated my fb last night as i couldnt bear to see all the happy mothers day posts.

Only a few more hours to get through until its over for another year.

Xx

I've had a lovely day with my family and kept off fb. A few friends have been text pictures of meals out a d I'm glad they are having a nice time.

I wouldn't go out of my way to hurt anyone. I just can't celebrate the way she wants and feels us her due. I feel unmeasurablely sad to be missing a fundamental relationship. I really made plans with one of my sisters and different groups of friends over the next few weeks.