How can I leave this relationship?

[FruitCider]

I've been with DP since 2007, we have 1 child, a little girl, who I absolutely adore more than life itself.

Over the past couple of months I've come to realise that our relationship is completely is dead. There's a few reasons for this...

I qualified as a nurse 18 months ago and set up a business last summer. DP refers to my job as selfish and tries to make it impossible to run my business, calling it a waste of time. Every time I try and do self employed work he puts barriers in the way, threatening to not look after our daughter, stomping around the house, being verbally abusive.

On my days off he's leaving me ever growing lifts of chores, for example he's expecting me to hoover the whole house daily, clean the bathroom, mop the house etc. When I'm too tired and I refuse or it is not done to his standard he is verbally abusive, calling me a slag, whore, lazy bitch etc. He'll quite often use these insults loudly in front of our 5 year old.

Whenever I try and make arrangements to see my friends in the evenings he puts many restrictions on this eg I'm not allowed to go out until our daughter is asleep and I have to be back by 9pm because "some of us have to fucking work".

Despite me earning a lot more money than him my access to money is extremely restricted, he moved all of the savings from the joint account to his account at the beginning of the year after I battled for 8 years to get them in the joint account "because I can't be trusted". I've withheld my business banking details from him as my business is about to turn a profit, but I'm under pressure dally to give those up too. When I spend money I have to justify why I've spent it, I'm only allowed to buy clothes from primark/charity shops despite having a joint income of nearly £50k.

He's started to up the ante because he knows I'm unhappy, yesterday was his birthday and he threatened me with a fist in my face because I wouldn't let his dad drive our child to the restaurant, his dad has a condition which causes sudden and severe vertigo and should not even be driving but apparently pointing that out ruined his whole day.

In short I know this is a toxic relationship and desperately want to leave. We are joint tenants in social housing so I've got no idea how. One of my ideas was to rent a 2 bedroom ground floor flat somewhere so I can run my business from home but then someone told me that most private landlords won't agree to that. I have no money to move out anyway at the moment! I'm also depended on my partner for childcare 6 days a fortnight 07:00 - 20:30. I love my job, I work in a niche area and really don't want to give it up as I feel genuinely happy when there.

Can you help me see the wood for trees and figure out how leaving is possible? I don't care about my secure tenancy right now I just want to bail and do it quickly as I really can't tolerate it here anymore.

Yes, you are absolutely correct that you should definitely leave him!

Do you have have parents/family that could help you?

Absolutely get out but plan carefully as abusers can be at their most dangerous when leaving them.Please get professional advice on how to leave but staying would give your dc a very bad example of what a relationship should be like.

I don't think I'm going to have anyone that can assist me to leave. My mother lives 150 miles away and is disabled, I've lost any independent friends I had due to his behaviour though he claims this is "because you are fucking nuts and no one wants to be friends with you" in fact whenever I tell him his behaviour is unacceptable he tells me I'm mental. I did have mental health problems when we first met but I've been in recovery for 7+ years now, and I think he doesn't like it because I'm no longer as vulnerable so he has to work harder to manipulate me. I know on a deep level I'm continuously being gaslighted but it's so damn hard to see it only a daily basis.

Anyway, no help to leave. Tragically this is the third time I'll be leaving an abusive relationship.

I think you need help with planning this - have you spoken to your bank/the council? It might be a good idea to speak to a dv helpline, they should be able to refer you to specialist organisations. You probably need some emotional support as well

Please, please contact Womens Aid a sap.
OP you are being abused, emotionally and financially and it appears it will soon be physical too.

That's a good point actually, I can go and speak to the council tomorrow as I've got 3 days off work now. We only moved a year ago and had to wait 4 years on high priority so I don't think they'll be able to rehouse me and my daughter quickly. I think trying to access money and private renting is a better option.

He just came in with our child to give me a Mother's Day card. I feel a sense of overwhelming sadness. He was the love of my life, literally my whole world but being completely honest I feel nothing for him now. I think he knows it too. We have been engaged for over 9 years and one of the biggest sticking points was getting married. He told me 2 years ago that he doesn't really want to, and had no intention. I think that's what killed our relationship for me. And I'm pretty sure that's the point that his behaviour deteriorated significantly.

Fruit would it help to ask MN to ask this to relationships? There might be more specific advice.

It's really good you have 3 days off, it gives you time to start thinking about how you're going to do this and contact organisations.

Enjoy mother's day with lovely dc :)

Whatever you do, don't let him get an inkling, of your plan to leave.
Above all else, stay safe.
Women's Aid, will give you good advice.

Please ensure he can't see your Mumsnet postings.

Please ensure he can't see your Mumsnet postings.

He can't, he doesn't even know my username on here and I've always logged out of the app after each use. My iPad is not tied to my iPhone. But thank you for thinking of my safety.