Afraid of being alone

[Whatsthepointofitall]

Have two adult DC, one due to move out shortly. Will soon be 57 years of age, and just finished with my DP of 6 years.

I work full time. I have friends but don’t see them regularly. I lost my Mum 5 years ago and my sister last year. I was very close to both of them, and I am grieving badly for my sister.

I feel I have got to this age and have no ‘roots’ as it were. Nothing in my life is established and settled. I see people my age with futures, they’re settled and know where they’re going. I just see emptiness and loneliness ahead for me, I have ‘no life’ as such.

I know I have many things to be thankful for, but I very much feel I’ve failed in life. Nobody visits and few people keep in touch. So I must not be worthy of ‘a life’, and that makes the emptiness worse, when I think these things.

I’m deeply unhappy and feel like ‘a loser’

Sorry you are fee like this. You could try being pro active with friends, suggest a meetup or evening out. Try evening classes either in an established interest or try something completely different. Maybe volunteering? Getting outside for a walk every day can help lift the spirits. Hope you feel better soon

Thank you Sally, I am trying to do those things you suggest, I just long for that warm fuzzy feeling of having ‘support’ from those who truly care.

Sorry you're feeling so low. Grief is very overwhelming. You & your DC are each others roots. We often get the impression that other people have their lives sewn up. Don't think about other people's lives, they're really not how they seem. Get in touch with your friends and tell them you'd like to meet up more often, if they're free. Just having a cuppa with someone can do wonders

Yes it's time for a new perspective I think. This is just a period of change that's all, and we all go through them. Take time out to refocus....what would you like your life to look like and how are you going to move it along towards that end? I'm really sorry about your mum and sister tho, that's hard xxx

OP I know where you are coming from with your post . I'm sorry about your Mum and sister . I am alone too after a divorce , was married 26 years so life very different from what I thought it was going to be. No children living with me - they are grown up . One thing going for you is that you work full time - you have contact with people. That is a huge bonus although it may not seem so . I am "retired" and don't have that . I have to find something to occupy myself every single day of my life. (No chance of going back to work ) .I also see this sorry state just going on and on until the day I die - me on my own . Ageing is hard as it is and people who are not this age just don't "get" it or they suggest you join a quilting club . I do think that you/we need to take responsibility for our own life so yes just get out when you can and do stuff - whether it is a walk , a cup of tea , an exercise class , a Meet Up or a day out shopping . It's not easy , I won't lie as that is when you see all the "happy couples" out and about . There are many people on their own if this is any comfort . You're not a "loser" . It's just life but you have the additional burden of grief right now . You're not the only one - far from it .

and your DC are only moving out of the house, presumably not out of your life. They love you.

Thank you for the reassuring replies. I have been unhappy and unfulfilled for a long time, even before my sister passed, it’s just another loss for me to cope with now, and my grief is all consuming.

I am a mess physically and emotionally. I have put on a lot of weight, and don’t take care of myself, everything is overwhelming and I find it hard to motivate myself to do anything.

yup I have distanced myself from ‘happy couples’ friends, because I feel so inadequate and worthless, only my DC and one friend knows my situation, as telling everyone will then expose my worthlessness and inadequacies. The world was made for couples, you are made to feel like a lesser being for not being part of one.

yup I’m sorry for your situation, I hope it gets easier for you

Sorry for your loss.

You need to stop down-talking yourself: you're not worthless or inadequate. You need to start caring for yourself, you deserve good things and if you're on your own, you have to do that for yourself. You must look after yourself: make it a priority to make sure you eat properly, dress nicely, put on makeup, take your medication, whatever it is you're neglecting needs to stop.

You should probably see your gp as well, as you may be depressed, and a little help can make a difference. Spring is coming. You can feel better than this.

OP please don't feel worthless or inadequate because you are single. I'm in my 50s and now divorced after nearly 30 years together. Yes it was bewildering and frightening at first but now I am enjoying life more.

It has taken me a good 18 months to find me and build my confidence to a point now I know I can be happy without without a partner, you must learn to love and value yourself.

Firstly you have two children who love you. As for friends we all need to work at keeping friendships alive as everyone has busy lives and it can be too easy to let time drift and not see someone. Make a list of all your friends, even ones you may not have seen for a while and get busy reconnecting and arranging to see them.

We can now see this time of life as exciting, kids are self sufficient, we have done our time supporting husbands and bringing up children, now it's our time. Put yourself first - try new hobbies, it's all out there and when you least expect it someone new will probably come into your life. 57 is still young. Best of luck X

I'd say you're definitely depressed.

I have started ADs for the same reasons as you. I think you have to recognise when low mood has gone too low and take action. It's taken me months, if not years, to make the decision to start ADs. Watch this space.

Next step: counselling. If you had broken your back /leg you wouldn't expect it to just right itself somehow ; or that it was your job to heal it by being positive and proactive. Same with mental and emotional health. You are not well.

So, Project YOU. The same care you lavished on your kids, lavish on you. You are poorly, get the right help, be kind kind kind to yourself.

It's hard getting older and feeling alone. I'm determined to have a new life somehow - even if cooking the supper is a bit overwhelming at present! Day at a time, step by step.

cat thank you, I’m trying to make the best of myself, I just don’t like what I see in the mirror. The weather definitely has an impact on my mood.

feeling your post is reassuring and gives me hope. My DC love me I know, but they have their own lives now, and I’m rather redundant!

springy I have no doubt I’m depressed, I am reluctant to take ADs, but you're right, I should at least try them. I’m having counselling at the moment, it is showing me how I got to where I am at the moment, if that makes sense? But I’m a work in progress.

I’m still struggling with my sisters passing, there is little motivation for anything, but the times I have some, I make good use of it

Thank you all for your very kind and inspirational replies

I think as the years pass and you are grieving less intensely/differently you will feel open again and differently about friendships etc.

I went through a hideous grief and it's only now 5 years on I can really enjoy other people again like I used to.

Have you tried getting in touch with people here on the local Mumsnet? That few people visit has nothing to do with your value, you know too few people that's all. Any hobbies you might use as a bridge to other people? Sewing perhaps? Reading? Going for walks? Theatre?

Have a look at this OP - www.meetup.com Have done some walks with some of these groups.

My mother is 59 and felt this way. I have tried to help in every way. She has decided to become a foster carer . Maybe something to consider?

Hi Op yes you maybe depressed or you may have a physical problem such as thyroid promlems anemic or vitamin D may need a top up. You can have symptoms like depression due to the menopause. See your GP to address this initially.
Yes to joining things - walking groups at the weekend perhaps - you local Women's institute - walking dogs if you like them - meet up groups - your local community centres have groups perhaps - There is a lot of stuff out there - depending where you live.- Your children love you - your mum and sister dying is a huge loss. They loved you.
I like mixtures comment - it helped me -
I can see you work full time - is there anyone at work you can reach out to - meet for lunch? Small things.
Look after yourself.

I actively like going places on my own - museums, exploring cities, that sort of thing. Being single is not a punishment! far better to be single than with the wrong person as you know. Your bereavements have affected you badly - as is perfectly natural. You still have the gift of life - make the most of it.

I'm the same age as you, all my children have left home and I live alone with only a distant (and sporadic) OH who I keep at a distance because I can only cope with him in small doses.

Living alone is what you make it, if you look at the positives. I see plenty of my adult children and meet people at work. I also have dogs, and they get me out of the house (and give me a conversation opener with people). You are depressed, understandably, with all your recent losses, but, honestly, being alone can be a positive thing.

random thank you for sharing your grief story with me, I’m not a year in yet (sister), but it has had a devastating effect on me.

bloody I do subscribe to some groups on there

dolphin that’s a wonderful thing your mum does but I don’t think I could manage it

mary funnily enough I have recently started taking VitD and within reason (mood) I do try to catch up with people

ryder I don’t mind doing things alone, I guess I have to gain confidence

zap maybe that’s the answer, a companion you can call upon when you feel like it!

Thanks again for all your lovely suggestions/replies

Op, I think you are being hard on yourself because you've dealt with two bereavements, the end of a significant relationship and the dreaded empty nest syndrome.

Any one of those would have a profound impact on anyone, and you've dealt with the lot.

So I don't know whether you're depressed, or whether you're going through a perfectly normal response to some pretty shit things, and that's a process that will take a lot more time yet.

Fwiw I could have written your post a year ago. There are so many similarities. In the end my dc staged a sort of intervention and told me that I was already acting like my life was over instead of just half way through.

I don't want to sound glib because it wasn't easy at all but I drew up a list of things I wanted to change and I set about changing them, because no one else was going to do it for me were they? You'll have different priorities but for me it was losing weight, redecorating, booking a little holiday, increasing my working hours, saying yes to every invitation and organising some events of my own.

I don't think you're alone in this at all. Once I started talking about it I was surprised how many women in their 40s and 50s felt like this, sort of fearful for the future and disappointed with themselves. You've had a shit time lately but please don't waste your life when you've got decades ahead of you.

rainy that’s a lovely message..thank you!

My Mum and my sister were my best friends as well, two large holes left unfilled. My grief is clouding everything at the moment, I feel incredibly unsettled and can’t really focus on anything which requires much effort.

I’m hoping the better weather will lift my mood. I did (still do) want to plan a trip alone, but I’m not quite ready yet. Losing weight is high on the agenda too.

I realise life's too short, but I have to have a bit of time, just to get my head around it.