I'm such a failure

[BitterBetty]

I'm not an awful person,I haven't hurt anyone on purpose or done any crimes but I just feel like I am nothing.

I'm a SAHM to two DDs and I think they'd be better without me - I sometimes lose my temper and shout at them,I don't play with them as much as I should though I do try my best even when I don't feel like it. I get cross with my H because he's not here as much as he should be and doesn't help as much as he could when he is here. I don't work and contribute financially/economically, I clearly don't contribute very well emotionally - H told me today that I am not a nice person, he has said similar things before - so really truly honestly I'm afraid that I'm damaging my girls more emotionally by being around them.

I'm so lost :-( Should I just walk away now? They are very young, early school and not yet in school,so they could find years and years of happy memories elsewhere. I just feel like everything I do is poison and the longer they're around me the more I will corrupt them. H says the same, he's probably right. I feel so alone.

Oh OP, you are not a failure!

I don't have loads of time but have you been assessed for PND?

It sounds like your "D"H is deliberately making you feel worse about yourself. Do you think that may be the case?

Aw OP you are definitely no failure!!

I'm also a stay at home parent and the first park of your post I could of wrote myself , I'm pretty sure every parent feels this way from time to time , life can really get in the way and the ability to do it all is always out of reach, but the fact that you could even think of leaving because you want your DC to have a good lives is every reason you should stay , you love them and care for them and that's all they need , please be kind to your self!

Now DH what's his problem, him putting you down is my guess the reason you are feeling this way, it's abuse!! He is getting in your head and you can't let him, I'm guessing there is a bigger back story here how is he as a parent ? Is he maybe trying to put his guilt on to you ?

You've brought two beautiful children into the world. You're not a failure. You're amazing!

Thanks, now I'm crying again! But I think I'm misleading ye,honestly my husband isn't one of those awful husbands you read about on here sometimes. He works a lot,he can be distracted when he is home but he is a good father. Not great for doing bits around the house,but I guess since he is working all day and paying all the bills then I should be doing it all here anyway. I just find it overwhelming.

I get jealous that he has breaks in work, and work nights out, and trips away, and then he comes home and he's tired but I still need to do things here.

And I can be nasty and not a nice person, because then someone else asks for his help and he runs out the door,meanwhile I'm still here and I feel forgotten. And that makes me angry. But it's two kids and one house,so come on I should be able to manage that much right?! I am not perfect, but I love my girls so so much,and I just want what is best for them. I am the constant in their life now,they turn to me for comfort or praise or reassurance, but that doesn't mean I am best for them.

My youngest is nearly 3 now so I don't think I have pnd, but maybe regular depression. I have very little time to myself and feel guilty if I do take time away. It probably would help its just hard to justify it without feeling guilty or selfish.

It's sad but I think I could never recommend being a SAHP to anyone unless they had specific support structures in place beforehand where they would have regular time on their own to meet with friends or peers or other adults and combat the isolation. I think I have succumbed to this and unfortunately we're all suffering- my kids, myself and my marriage as I just dont have enough interaction to balance out the rest of it.

You aren’t fulfilled OP, that’s why you get angry. Your DH leads quite a charmed life in comparison doesn’t he? Being at home wit young children is one of the toughest jobs, relentless though obviously rewarding.

It sounds like you are resentful of them all. You resent your DH because he has his freedom, and you resent your DC because they consume you. That doesn’t mean you’re not a good mum or a bad person.

You need some ‘respite’ so you have time for you. Do the DC not go to nursery yet? You could use that time to find something that you look forward to doing, so that when you’re ‘back to work’ as it were, you feel refreshed/recharged.

It does sound like you may be depressed OP. Do you have a health visitor? You can talk to your GP. Please don’t let this go untreated. You just sound deeply unhappy for some reason.

OP, being a SAHP is THE hardest job ever. Many many women really struggle daily and many go to work just to pay for childcare. You 100% need to get away from the kids and house whilst your DH takes care of them in the evenings and weekends. It’s very, very important. Might be a bit of an awakening for your DH what it’s like being at home with small children. I got very very depressed staying at home with my DC, I eventually had to get childcare in as I was a state. Not happy days...

Looking after the kids is your full time job. If he doesn't help with the chores around the house then he's not doing enough imo. And it sounds like you're not very well, and he's not helping. I would second seeing a GP.

Be kind to yourself OP you're doing the best you can and we're all human xx

Also if childcare/nursery isn't an option could you look into going to some classes or groups? Anything out of the house and meeting people might help.

Sorry you're feeling like this, op. I have felt similar and what saved me was going back to work. I would strongly recommend this, even if you are making a small loss after childcare. I had 2 preschoolers when I started my current job and I found the best (& best value) option for them was a nanny to come to the house. I love being out of the house at work and the time I spend with the dcs is much more enjoyable.

OP. Are you knackered? Do you sleep much? Do you get much of a break? All these things in my experience lead to the behaviour you are describing. Before children you wouldn't have acted like this (because you were sleeping and having time to yourself) and it's confusing to find yourself suddenly like this and it feels shit. Please be kind to yourself and understand that you are not alone. In some ways you need to accept that things are the way they are and they will change. It won't always be like this. I could have written your post. I worry a lot about how my behaviour impacts on my children. I hate the way I act sometimes. But I find explaining it and being very honest about it - eg explaining to my dh that I'm biting his head off about his night off because I'm jealous I can't do it myself not necessarily because I don't want him to have a night off - helps him to understand what's really happening rather than just see the shouting part. I try to always apologise to my children and tell them that I got cross because I was tired and that I still love them etc. It can be totally overwhelming sometimes and if you have high expectations it can be very depressing that you are not meeting your expectations of what it is to be a mum. But you are the most important thing in their life and they need you. They are very resilient and will forget much of this early time and as they get older they will remember all the amazingness about you. In the meantime try to find some quiet time and do some things for you and be nice to yourself. No one is perfect and however much others look to be coping they too will have lows. If you feel really like things aren't getting better, please go to the doctor. I recently had a simple course of iron and felt like a new woman overnight. Life changing! You could need something as simple as that or some antidepressants. But don't suffer in silence if it gets too much. There is always someone to talk to somewhere. Good luck.

I work FT. My DH is SAHP.
There is no way I would ever expect him to be at home with the kids 24-7. He would absolutely get angry with them & me, and he absolutely would end up leaving.

I don't ever want to put him in that position. It would be unfair on all of us. So he gets two days in the week when he doesn't have the children. I support him having hobbies outside the house and I make sure he gets my attention when I come home / weekends.

As soon as I walk through the door we are 50/50 again. There is no "iVe been working all day". Sometimes when one of us has had a seriously tough day, the other will take over completely & give them time to decompress.

We're a team. You're husband is a dick.

Go to your GP and speak to him. It does sound like you might be depressed. Medication can be a very effective way to bring you high enough out of the depths of depression, to allow you to make some more positive changes. Find something to give you access to the 'adult world'. Be that going to gym after they've gone to bed, meeting a friend for coffee, or joining a hobby or class.

Good luck

Dear OP, you have to listen to us all on here. You really are mirroring lots of us on here. We all feel being a SAHP is bloody difficult at times.
You’re reaching out for help, you’re admitting your faults and you’re acknowledging you have depression. All of this can be helped with support.
You’re putting your husband on a pedestal saying he’s great and works hard and brings in the money but it’s his family too. It’s very easy to pop out to work and come home to play with kids for an hour (hero) whilst you crack on with dinner alone. My dh is a fantastic dad but first he’s my support. He understands how shitty it must be to always be the parent to say no, pick that up, let’s chsnge your bum, eat your dinner ( as they lob it across the room) I’m about to give birth and yesterday had a massive melt down. My husband just hugged me and reassured me. I don’t want him to fix anything, I just needed him to listen and understand. Your dh is equally responsible for the family so please stop making excuses for him. Don’t put all this on your own shoulders. Get yourself some help ASAP and maybe give yourself a couple of days to just stop and maybe make a plan xxxxxx

Agree with all the pp.
Do you have any social outlets at all? Both during the day (with the kids if you can't get childcare for them) and in the evenings when your dh can look after them. Getting out is extremely important to your mental health. I enjoyed my time as a 'sahp' but that's because I didn't stay at home.

And your dh most definitely needs to be sharing the housework when he's home. Putting the rubbish out, putting a load of laundry on, wiping down the sides in the kitchen - all of these take minutes and can be done while you out the dc to bed - or vice versa.

Also, go to the gp and get your iron & B12 levels checked. When I'm anaemic I have no patience with the DC at all. I also forgot to say in my pp that your dh sounds totally unsupportive and a bit of a dick.

Are your moods etc worse nearer your period? Could it be pms or pmdd? Only asking as you sound very like I used to be.

Hope you're doing okay Op. I want to second all the advice here so far. What you're doing is sooo full on! Your husband should be supporting you more. Don't be hard on yourself. I'm worried as to why he's saying mean things but maybe that's a separate issue.

I went back to work part time when my second child was 1 and my first child was 3. I couldn't believe I was getting paid to sit quietly and do stuff with spreadsheets! I went to work to have a break and some quiet time. I would highly recommend thinking about part time work. It really helps with self identify as well. It may be tough now with childcare costs, but once they start school you might be pleased that you have a job already in place.

Please be kind to yourself. And remember you're doing the hardest job. I've always had the upmost admiration for stay at home parents.

Thanks so much for all the responses. It's good to know that I'm not the only one who feels likes this, as someone above said you feel depressed that you're not meeting your own expectations of how you should be as a mother. And then I find because I'm feeling guilty about failing the kids, and my husband, and myself, then I feel worse and so I get snappier or sadder and it all goes around in a circle.

Sleep and tiredness are definitely a factor, I probably get 5.5 - 6.5 hours sleep on average, always broken as I'm a light sleeper even at the best of times. I used to get maybe 7.5 - 8 hours before Christmas but I've gotten worse lately for staying up later, or going to bed and then staying on my phone well past midnight so that is definitely a habit I need to break.

I do also think PMS doesn't help things. I would say I feel sad or generally just low most of the time, but then coming up to my time of the month I just can't handle things at all, and the small things that I usually ignore - lack of help around the house or just kids being kids - just build up and I explode over what should be relatively minor things. Probably because I do bottle it up the rest of the time so it festers and then when hormones are added in I just can't manage it. Has anyone found anything that helps with PMS? H is just gone away on another work trip, he'll be back next week so I will make an appointment for the GP then, but in the meantime maybe there are supplements or something I could try.

Regarding time to myself to be fair I probably am my own worst enemy there. If I said to H right I'm going to the gym every Tuesday from now on and you need to be here, or said I'm going out once a month or whatever with friends he wouldn't give out (much!). So I'll start researching things on locally in the evenings that I could go to, and maybe toddler activities that I can take DD2 to in the mornings while DD1 is in school. I've been reluctant I suppose to do something just for me as I felt it would be selfish, but the way things are right now I really think I need time for myself away from the house, and the family, so that I have more energy and patience when I am here - even if that does make me an awful mother to need to "escape" from them.

H and I aren't great either for making time for us as a couple, in the evenings we tend to sit on seperate couches and each on our own phone, or watching tv but rarely go out together - probably three times in the last 18 months without the kids. We haven't any family locally to help but I must ask parents in the school if they know of any reliable babysitters.

So that's a nice list for me of things I need to do to get my ass in gear and try to get out from under this and maybe feel better about myself again. Thanks again for all the advice and supportive messages

So glad to hear you've got plans for making things better. All of those things sound great - I really hope you find a way to make them work. I find exercising when I'm feeling the wrath of PMT improves my mood a lot but it's easier said than done to actually do it tbh. Wishing you lots of luck.