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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My sad relationship need advice please

25 replies

Goals84 · 10/03/2018 23:24

I e been in and out of a relationship for a year now. He’s a heavy drug user who’s drugs seems to come first. He doesn’t seem to want to progress a life with me or my kids and then blames for me why. He comes and goes and we fight a lot. It’s escalted to bruises and him putting his hands around my throat several times. He only cares for a day here or there he’s great then and then back to it. Never has any money to help me or take me out. Yet I’m so in love with him. Why? How can a mom of two be so taken by someone so awful. We laugh a lot and do get along great when together as long as I don’t start anything. I’m just so sad can’t leave my bed for days. The nice person and things he did is no longer there. The messages the calls don’t come anymore or just a few days. I feel in my gut he’s cheating yet says he doesn’t.. I feel like I’m going crazy and so sad over the matter I don’t want to wake up.
Sincerely one very sad mom

OP posts:

MyBrilliantDisguise · 10/03/2018 23:28

Come on, this isn't love! He's highly abusive and you need to get away from him. Anyone can be nice for five minutes of the day. You can tell what kind of bloke he is by all the other things he does - you can't possibly love those aspects of him.

adayatthebeach · 10/03/2018 23:33

Where to begin? OP if you read this what would you say to the OP? This man is no good for you or your children!! You must think of them and forget about any love you have for that man! You and your children deserve better. If you continue to see this man your children will suffer and lose respect for you as they get older!

Prestonsflowers · 10/03/2018 23:34

Please have more respect for your self. Please don’t put up with someone who treats you like dirt and loves drugs more than you.
Leave this relationship as soon as you can. Then try and work out why you think being treated this badly is ok.

NotLinkedInSnowedIn · 10/03/2018 23:36

I am really hoping this is not a wind up. He's a violently abusive drug user who's tried to strangle you. YOU HAVE TWO CHILDREN? Please just say good bye to him

SandyY2K · 10/03/2018 23:47

Think about your children. What kind of example are you showing them.

You'll only get better than him...when you know you're worth it.

Try and get some counselling to tackle your low self esteem.

littletinyme1 · 11/03/2018 01:24

Please PUT YOUR CHILDREN FIRST. what kind of oerson invites a drug addict into their children's lives. How coukduou do this? Don't you believe you deserve more than these crumbs of contant every now and then? You will always come second to the drugs, forget about other women! What makes you think anyone might think he is a catch?

Ffs -get a grip, get up, bin this one and PUT YOUR CHILDREN BEFORE this vile loser.You will feel muchstronger to send him on his way.

littletinyme1 · 11/03/2018 01:25

So many mistakes in my post!

TiffinForTea · 11/03/2018 01:26

Ffs grow up and put your DC's first!

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 11/03/2018 01:29

If I knew a real person like this I would call social services.

Original poster

Goals84 · 11/03/2018 01:30

My kids aren’t in the home when this happens and I’m sad enough thanks for the help

OP posts:

FastWindow · 11/03/2018 01:33

Op, are you also drug dependent? Where are your children during the night?

Original poster

Goals84 · 11/03/2018 01:42

No I don’t use anything that’s why we also don’t see eye to eye as I don’t use or drink so I don’t fit into that lifestyle. The only thing that keeps me going everyday is my kids and God

OP posts:

IfeelFloopy · 11/03/2018 01:46

It sounds like you are in love with who you want him to be, not who he is.

In my opinion, love has never been reason enough to put up with any behaviour less than what you deserve.

FastWindow · 11/03/2018 02:09

So if you don't 'use' ( drug terminology there, normal people say 'take drugs') why on earth would you choose a man who 'uses' as a good father for your children?

Original poster

Goals84 · 11/03/2018 03:05

I didn’t know he did them so much he said it was a once in awhile thing then I fell in love with him by the time I realized it seemed to be kids of an addiction. He does such nice things for me but then treats me like a no one who he doesn’t care if he talks to or sees.

OP posts:

littlequoll · 11/03/2018 03:56

Be kind to yourself. It can be heartbreaking trying to get over a relationship when you realise it is wrong, and it sounds like you have already realised that. It also sounds like you are looking for some support to take the next step and move on. Do you have friends or family who can help you with this? If not, get some professional help. If you are feeling really sad right now it will probably feel hard to make the first step, but it will be the right thing to do for yourself and your children and I think you already know this. Remember that you are a great person and you deserve better than this.

Shoxfordian · 11/03/2018 05:05

This is def not right OP and you must know that on some level. He's a waste of space and you can do a million times better by yourself.

Minus2 · 11/03/2018 06:03

Where are your children when you are lying in bed moping about this loser?

Psychobabble123 · 11/03/2018 06:22

Where are your children when you are lying in bed moping about this loser?

Yes, this. OP, I work with a lot of drug users, and unless he himself wants to get help and stop using, you will always be secondary to them for him. Drugs will always come first. You cannot change him, change has to come from him, because he wants to,not just because you want him to. If he does it for you, it is far more likely he will relapse when you do something that he can blame you for, basically, so he can justify it.

You have two children, please move on. Even if he starts to work on sobriety it is a looooong road and your children need you well, not moping in bed.

WombOfOnesOwn · 11/03/2018 06:36

You feel sad? You'll feel sadder when your kids are taken off you for this kind of thing. Get your head on straight and choose the right priorities for your life, because this is pathetic. You seem like you could use some "tough love," because your moping and sadness and "wahhh I can't leave him I loooove him" is the kind of thing that leads to children with dead mothers.

A man putting his hands on your throat is the single biggest indicator he will escalate to murdering you. My childhood best friend was killed in front of her 5 year old by her partner, a man very much like this. I wish I could have shaken sense into her. I wish I could shake some into you.

Saz1995 · 11/03/2018 06:38

Wake up lady, this man is a abusive piece of shit. You really need to think of your children now, leave before it's too late

Original poster

Goals84 · 13/03/2018 02:54

Thanks for littlequoll made me cry reading someone cares about me:) I am trying to stay away and not in contact with him.. I love to much and myself and kids not enough I’m going to get some counselling

OP posts:

LineysOfArabia · 13/03/2018 03:01

Yes please start loving yourself and your children first and foremost and push away the interloper.

category12 · 13/03/2018 05:46

You're in an abusive relationship and him putting his hands on your throat is dangerous: it's potentially lethal. Women get killed every week by their partners. You need to take it seriously. You don't want to leave your dc motherless.

You need to get away from him. You could talk to women's aid or domestic abuse support services.

littletinyme1 · 13/03/2018 13:36

Please stop saying you love him because the more you tell yourself this the more difficult it will be for you to move on. You love a man who put his hands around your throat...really? You love a man who takes drugs...really? You love a man who probably cheats on you...really? You must be really desperate to give this low life a second thought. You REALLY need to stop. Before social service take your children away.

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