Mother's Day when your No Contact with your mother.

[sweetkitty]

I don't know where else to write this, last year I posted something on FB (after a lot of wine) how Mothers Day was just about the children and me, then got a phone call from my aunt saying people had asked her if my mother had died and she was so upset.

Anyway I've been NC with my mother for over 9 years, she has a grandson she has never seen (as well advice three granddaughters she has missed growing up). I've made my peace with being NC, I didn't suddenly decide one day to say you know my mum annoys me a bit I'll stop talking to her. I decided to put as much effort into the relationship as she did and stop phoning her, after 3 months I got a nasty letter about how you've only got one mother and I always thought I was better than her even as a child. I wrote back explaining how I felt and got gaslighted and it was all turned around to be my fault (even hurtful things like when she told me I didn't really want to have the baby I was miscarrying at the time as I had been told there was little hope, but she was still praying. And that DH would leave me if I didn't give him a son as all men want sons and your not a prope woman until you have a son. That's just snippets.

Through counselling I realised that she is probably a narcissist and was jealous of me as many women are of their younger daughters. Of course to the outside world I was amazing first one in the family to go to uni etc but to me I was stuck up. My brother is the golden child.

Anyway Mother's Day is a strange one, if she were dead I could grieve but I'm stuck in a sort of limbo, I grieve for the mother I never had but she's still alive. People look at me with sheer horror when I tell them I haven't seen her in all that time. She's a nasty piece of work and for my mental health I'm better being NC. When she started saying nasty things about my DC then I knew enough was enough. I feel so bad my DC don't have any real grandparents though (in laws both dead).

Mothers Day will be great though with my four DC and DH but it's a strange one too. I know there's others on here that are NC with parents too xxx

It's tricky, isn't it - I'm not NC with mine but tomorrow will be difficult (had to check the clock then to make sure midnight hadn't snuck up and it was today!). She loves all the mother's day sentimentality so I'll jump through the hoops.

But yes emotional cruelty and narcissism are really hard to deal with.

Have a lovely day with your DC.

I’m one. My dad died when I was a teenager so don’t celebrate that either.

I paid little attention to it after I accepted that I didn’t want to thank my mother for being a mother that she was incapable of being.

A lot of your post was similar to mine. The jealousy part esp.

Now I celebrate it with my own family, and it was weird at first because it was a day I put out of my mind for many years.

As for the shocked reaction... meh. They are lucky they don’t understand and because they don’t understand I pay them no mind. My husband (who took a while to kind of get it) just tells people very matter a fact like ‘Aussiebeans Mum is a not very nice and we have little to do with her’ I shrug my shoulders and say ‘my mother doesn’t care’. I don’t give them the opportunity to say anything else. I don’t offer them an explanation because if they mattered, then they would know.

I have found this works because it seems to shut the conversation down, I don’t apologise for it, and I haven’t had the ‘but she’s your Mum ‘ in years. It might shock them, but I don’t care. I’m not asking for their validation.

Happy Mother’s Day. You must be amazing to be able to handle four kids. I have no idea how I am going to handle the second when they decide to arrive.

Same situation than you OP and yes, it is a strange, bitter sweet day.
I - briefly - hope my golden child brother provides my mother with everything she needs, because she won't get anything from me, but I don't linger on the thought - never pleasant to think about her.
I focus on the joy my children bring.
Happy Mother's Day to you and your family!

Aussiebean - thanks I remember being terrified of dealing with two, there's only 18 months between my first two (my mother had plenty to say about that "must have been a mistake" no it was planned "well I'll tell everyone it was a mistake" anyway I digress when number two comes along it's true what they say your love just doubles and you do cope because you love them so much and want to give them everything and there's not not choice but to lol.

One of the reasons DH and I chose to have four was to create the big family we never had, feel so blessed that we have four amazing children.

I don't really linger glitterfree just think if it now and again. She can have her golden child and his perfect "gentlemans family" she's the one who is missing out in knowing my Fab Four.

A lot of people assume my mother is dead & I never know whether to correct them.

I cut her off 17 years ago & don’t regret it. In fact becoming a mother really made me more aware of how much worse it actually was.

I do feel in limbo around this time of year but I feel bette for not having her in my life.

OP it sounds like your extended family are doing the flying monkey thing. I'd personally block them on Facebook - look at your default privacy settings and only allow them access to generic, bland posts about how you missed your bus to work or you grabbed the last pack of hot cross buns in Morrisons.

OP, sorry, no no no no, I didn't mean you lingered! I meant I try not to linger thinking about mother's day and my mother ( as it seems to be impossible not to think about it at all, unfortunately) - and I, too, have a brother who is the golden child _ they are welcome to each other.
And totally agree; not being close to our children is their loss, mostly.

It’s my first mother’s day NC with my mum.

I had my straw/camels back moment before Christmas as called her on her lack of support which she took offence at and didn’t come in Christmas Day or bother to contact me or my teenage daughter to cancel or since then.

Like you, I’m mirroring her effort with me but her lack of effort with my dd has made me want nothing to do with her.

My dh thinks I should send a card ‘just in case she changes’, but admits that after 24 years with me that’s not going to happen and my only relationship with her would be treading on eggshells, acception her lack of effort and her expectation that I’d support her financially and emotionally without any expectations of her. He’s biased because he’s list both parents and thinks I should accept any scraps I can get.

NO!

I don’t deserve to be treated as I have and as a mother myself I would never treat my daughter like I’ve been treated or accept anyone else treating her with so little regard.

Been NC with my mother for years. She is a diagnosed narcissist. When she tried to play my twins off against one another we decided, as a family that was it. It was the best decision for all of us. I haven't missed her in the slightest. For me today was always about my Grandmother anyway. Maybe that makes it easier for me. At the beginning though, maybe I was a wee bit more twitchy, but now I can see the peace of mind being NC has given me. Give it time.

I'm not NC as my mother is no longer alive - but mother's day is a whole lot easier now as I don't have to stand in a shop trying to find the only card that just says "happy mother's day" and not a load of old tosh about being a wonderful mother.

Bit surprised I haven't had the inevitable email from my father with a photo and a load of gas lighting nonsense about how wonderful she was (he's no better, I am very low contact). I'm sure it will arrive later.

Anyway OP if you feel it's the right decision then take no notice of the flying monkeys. If they feel uncomfortable about the situation, it's their problem.