Forced to choose

[Moonie1970]

Hi , my relationship of 15 months has ended tonight because I have decided to stop being to nice and stand my ground when I have done nothing wrong .
I have a best friend who has been in my life for the last 10 years we’ve had some fantastic times together but also had our fall outs over the years as I’m sure all friendship go through similar .
I started dating a guy I’ve known from the age of 16 and we hit it off through a shared love of music .
We became engaged and all was well till my friend came back into my life after a few months of not being around , if I said im going out on Friday night he would be vocal about the fact he didn’t like her and said she had screwed me over once and would do it again .
I explained all that was in the past and why was he making it such a big issue , im allowed a life .
Omg a grown man sulking all week and in the end I didn’t go out .
I’ve been in an abusive relationship for 8 years prior and was controlled and mentally and physically abused . All of this he knows about and has been supportive, I just feel the nice laid back guy I thought I was getting had ended up insecure and immature to the point of me ending 2 friendships with x bfs who had become totally platonic friends and nothing more .
Facebook issues , if I changed a profile pic of me and him to one of just me , he would wait a day then do the same make his just of himself . Stupid childish behaviour that has gotten worse even resulting in sleeping in the sofa cause I had a cuddle with my dog on the bed .
I’m gutted it’s over as he can be be the sweetest loving guy ever . he said I made my choice when I went round to see my friend last night when I know how he feels about her .
I have stuck up for myself and said I’d never ever tell him who he could see and go out with and I’m not choosing her over him and it’s silly to suggest otherwise .
It just goes to show you never really know someone and in time the act they put on slides .
There has been other issues to , to many to list and I’ve been mentally and physically drained from the last 15 months .
I’ve barley enough strength to work and keep a house and raise two children all with high functioning anxiety I might add to deal with a man child .
I’m so sick to death of choosing the wrong men , I honestly thought I was getting my Happy ever after .
Just want clarification that it’s not normal to expect your partner to have no other social interaction except with you . Would like to add he plays in a band and goes out playing twice a week .
I’ll be ok just feeling so sad at the thought of having to date all over again as I’m to young at 48 to spend the rest of my time alone .
I know I need to learn to see a pattern in the types of men I’m choosing .
I’ve been told I need long term counciling as I’ve had a pretty shitty past but I never once let it effect my relationship and given him a fresh clean slate .
He’s just dumped all his insecurities and issues on me and I’m struggling to clear my mind .
Any words of advice plz

Ok, take some time out OP.

It's not normal to have your partner, the person who should want you to be happy, stopping you access a support network of friends and family.
It's not normal for a man to demand your attention or sulk because he doesn't get it.
In a normal relationship, going out independently is a good and necessary thing.

Instead of blaming yourself, look objectively at what happened. You realised there was a problem, you were aware of the effect it was having on you, you made a decision that this isn't good enough for you and you were brave enough to do something about it.

Best advice I can give you now is to consider this a lesson in how important boundaries are. Spend some time on your own. Enjoy your own company, your children and your life. Counselling may be beneficial.
Hopefully one day you'll meet someone and will be a little bit quicker to spot any problems (I say this as it may hurt less if it happens earlier). But for now, having friends, family and peace is amazing.

Thankyou for the reply , he’s txt me to say he’s out tonight , tit for tat silly games cause I saw my friend last night .
Just looked up the freedom programme but it’s not on near me .
It might be triggering to .
My anxiety through the roof at the minute the thing is I don’t need s man , I have a nice home beautiful girls and a stable steady very demanding job . I’m actually looking forward to the summer and going out to festivals with my friend . Our wedding was booked this year to , all far to rushed I see it now so clear . I’ve been through family court , Crown court , represented myself in court so I know how strong I can be . Just feel so sad at the thought of all the time invested .
I’ve lost myself and dropped my standards and let a lot of things slide . Never again

Op

This is controlling behaviour. Don’t live your life like this or expose your children to any more a holes

They deserve better and so do you

Don’t ever let a man tell you what to do or force you into decisions you don’t want to make

You know you’ve done the right thing dumping him. He’s controlling. You don’t want to be stuck indoors with him 24/7, how tedious. More importantly, you can’t live your life with someone else telling you what to do. Good job, OP.

Thankyou for the replies , I’m financially out of pocket to , it’s been an emotional roller coaster not to mention he’s a mummy’s boy , his mother hates me reduced me to tears on many occasions . Jeez what a catch he was NOT , onwards and upwards

You have done exactly the right thing by ending this relationship.
You have read all the red flags perfectly.
You can do the freedom course online for £12. I'm happy to give you £12 if necessary.
I've been in two abusive relationships and was so crushed that I'd "let it happen again".
But do you know what? It wasn't my fault. But in my head it really was.
I'm actually pretty impressed that you have been so sussed. It's not easy. But you are doing amazing

May I just echo what the PPs have said - well done for ending this toxic relationship. I think you should be really proud of yourself, for realising you deserve better, and for breaking your cycle of dating abusive and controlling men. That is a huge step forward!
Please have some time as a single person- to find out what YOU like to do, to develop friendships with other women, to reflect on why you were attracted to this type of man, to build your confidence in yourself.
Eventually you may feel ready to try another relationship, but this time on your own terms, with your head held high, knowing that you should be loved and treated as an equal partner, not controlled and demeaned. Have a hug, and my best wishes for a happy future!

Good for you. This is proof positive that you can trust in your own judgement which is a fantastic place to be

Aww thank you for your kind offer to pay and your kind words , I’m know I’ll be fine it’s the initial first stages you go through of missing them . I can get counciling through work , time on my own is needed .

Thank you everyone who replied I’m hurting but I’m strong

Sending support your way. I had two unhealthy/abusive relationships and then took two years out, had counselling and then met a kind and gentle man who is supportive and empathic.
You don't have to put up with shit from blokes (or anyone), you really don't. Onwards and upwards as you say!

You just need to keep reminding yourself that he is not the "sweetest most loving guy ever" - to be honest I was shocked when I got to the part where you said you were 48 as given the pettiness of his behaviour, I assumed this guy was going to be in his teens!

It sounds as if you are giving him and other men far too much of your own oxygen and headspace. It's easier said than done, but you need to start focusing on YOU. What do YOU want out of life?

I'm so glad you got rid, he sounds like an ex of mine and really I was walking on air when I finally broke up with him. Congratulations on defending your right to have friends. All our friends have faults, of course they do, and these bastards come along and harp on and on about so-and-so's faults until like a fool you are turned against them and it's all because they CARE SO MUCH! Grrr.

Hope you meet someone nice, but never let down your boundaries again. And if you don't, as they say in Mexico, better to be alone that in bad company.

You've dodged a bullet by not marrying him. No man (or woman) should control you like that.

Well done for seeing what he was and realizing you need to get rid of him.

The thing that stood out for me in your post was your mention of getting your ‘happy ever after’. It seems, to me, to be a pretty big thing to be hankering after. Who knows what might come your way...a fulfilled life with your job, children, friends, grandchildren later on. Of maybe a relationship with someone who you never marry or live with but enjoy being around. Or maybe you will meet someone amazing, get married and be happy that way. It just seems to me when you have this ideal in your head, then it prevents you from making the most of the fulfilling things about your life. In this case it seems that you might get have rushed into committing to marriage before really knowing who you were marrying.

That’s just my two pence worth. You obviously are a strong, intelligent woman who deserves good things in their life. Not eejits like this guy.

This doesn't sound healthy. Leave. It'll only get worse.

It isn't daunting thinking about the future sometimes. You do sound strong and are a really good example to your children.

Here's to you being happy

• grrrrr is daunting

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