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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

No sex really do I leave him

47 replies

Happybunny1994 · 10/03/2018 17:06

Age 23 been with my partner for 2.5 roughly years. before him I was very sexually active especialy with previous partners think every day even when I was due on. Met this guy and sex didn’t happen For a while Most guys my age try to have sex on the first date but he didn’t for weeks and we went on dates 3 times a week at least. I put this down to him being a gentleman and nervous. When sex did happen it’s was a bit awkward but it got better and was amazing. Never frequent enough but 2-3 times a week of amazing sex was so much more fun than ok sex every day. Sex became so infrequent that I started to mention it. At first I was hurt I felt he didn’t fancy me and that I was being rejected. He keeps saying he’s to tired for sex all the time. I’ve asked him to go to the doctors if he’s tired but he won’t. His job is office based slightly stressfull but not overly so. Everything else in our relationship is prefect except this. I’m at a loss of what to do I can’t imagine being with any body else I’ve threatend to leave a few times. But he just ends up crying saying that he loves me and is really trying but what can he do when he has no energy. My worry is that it’s bad now it will only get worse and do I want to buy a house one day and be trapped with him. I think he is depressed slightly his dad passed away when he was 15 I don’t think he’s really got over it says he dosnt think his dad would be proud of him. I tell him he would he’s on a really good wage for his age. Should I leave now. I really don’t want to as I live him
So much.

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 11/03/2018 10:55

He's not going to change.

I'd give him 3 options:

  1. Go to the GP, and you go with him, otherwise he'll not go and then make out he did and the GP said he was "just tired" Hmm
  2. Go to relationship counselling with you
  3. Give you his blessing to find a FWB arrangement so that you are reassured that you are sexually attractive and that normal sexual relationships are still possible for you.

If he won't agree to any of those 3 then he doesn't give a shit that you're deeply unhappy - and that tells you everything you need to know about the value he places on you.

Happybunny1994 · 11/03/2018 11:03

Going to insisst he goes to the doctors next week and sorts out his needle phobia

OP posts:
MoreProsecco · 11/03/2018 11:04

At 23, I wouldn't be doing any of that. Maybe at 33,43 etc with a mortgage & a couple of kids.

At 23, I'd be single again & rediscover great sex with a new partner.

FreshNewUserName · 11/03/2018 11:08

Jesus OP, leave. I'm 36, not had sex for well over a year, but I'm stuck because of kids and mortgage and its hell. You're so young, go find someone who makes you happy.

formerbabe · 11/03/2018 11:11

Run.

You're only 23 and it's only been 2 years. Don't waste anymore of your life. It won't get better. End it now while you can... because if you get married and have kids with him, it will be a million times harder to leave.

Aridane · 11/03/2018 11:20

I am glad you are going to insist he goes to GP and address his needle phobia. Irrespective of whether you can stay together, that is something that has to be addressed

Spanglyprincess1 · 11/03/2018 11:52

I'm in the same boat and sympathise. I find it incredibly frustrating and don't know what to do.
I appreciate this isn't probably a helpful post but I can sympathise.
Trying talking to him seriously about it and think about what's best for you long term. Only you know the answer to if you can deal with his sex drive or not.

AnotherOriginalUsername · 11/03/2018 11:59

The needle phobia is separate to his lack of sex drive and tiredness. He needs to see a GP about that first before addressing the phobia.

Aridane · 11/03/2018 12:15

Another - I just think it’s really good of the OP to get a potentially life threatening issue addressed

StickStickStickStick · 11/03/2018 12:26

I think if he doesn't take drastic action Gp/couples counselling you really need to move on. Like a poster above im stuck now having had kids and I wish I hadn't got into his position. Do you really want to be 50 looking back at 25 years of no sex...

ChaosNeverRains · 11/03/2018 12:41

What a load of judgemental responses on this thread.

You were having sex two or three times a week and you said that to you that wasn’t frequent enough? Imagine someone posting here that their partner was complaining that two or three times a week wasn’t frequent enough, it wouldn’t be the partner they would be advising to ltb....

The reality here is that neither of you is in the wrong. He has a low sex drive, you don’t, you’re incompatible, the end. Apart from for the fact that there is no bigger turnoff than someone who goes on and on and on about sex constantly, so the reason why he hasn’t had sex with you since January is most likely because you don’t shut up about it.

You wouldn’t be wrong to leave the relationship, but all this talk about how he is the one who should be taking action to address his issues is wrong. If the person with the higher libido is constantly going on about sex and what they want and how they want it then they are equally responsible for the issue.

Lucie8881 · 11/03/2018 13:14

Chaos - the 2-3 times a week was not the frequency that OP was used to but she was happy with it, she states that it's dwindled down to every few months and even that's under duress.

Is she supposed to be quiet? Not voice any issue in case it upsets the partner, irrespective of her feelings??

I think you will struggle to meet a happy medium especially with his reluctance/refusal to seek help.

It's your call, if he won't address the problem you either except things as they are (there may be improvements for periods of time, but unlikely to sustainable) or move on, however painful that may be.

StickStickStickStick · 11/03/2018 14:07

Chaos - it's months between sex now and they barely ever have it. She's only 23.

Of course if yours stuck in a sexless marriage/relationship it's the one that won't show any affection that has to try and make an effort - gp/relate etc otherwise the other partner is well within their rights to call it quits.

I haven't yet as I have kids. But the lack of sex and lack of affection (doesn't bother with mothers day or birthdays) or just appreciation or intimacy in general is actually soul destroying.

ChaosNeverRains · 11/03/2018 14:59

It would be interesting to see how this demise in sex happened though. I agree that the OP shouldn’t stay in a sexless relationship if libidos are so vastly different, but how did it happen that they went from two/three times a week to never? If for instance the OP was saying that she didn’t feel it was frequent enough at three times a week even though the sex itself was great that still wouldn’t have exactly made him feel positive about himself or that she wanted him for sex rather than anything else.

If however they were happily muddling along at two/three times a week and he suddenly stopped having sex with her without explanation other than that he was tired, then there is obviously a different issue at play here. Iyswim. Also, if he was e.g. happy to give her other attention but didn’t want penetrative sex himself would that be ok? Or is it possible that when he does things with her she tells him how she wants him in other ways, making him feel as if what he is doing isn’t good enough?

And just to lay my own cards on the table here, I am on the other side of this in my own relationship but for medical reasons. I don’t want any kind of penetrative sex for any reason at the moment, and no, I wouldn’t blame my DP if he decided that he couldn’t stay in a relationship with me at the moment. However, I am happy to satisfy him in other ways, but that’s just not good enough, and he then spends that time telling me what he’d rather be doing with me instead. And the result of that is that whereas I would have remained affectionate and giving otherwise, I no longer feel inclined to do so because that appears to come with expectation.

It’s not DP’s fault. We had an active sex life previously, But I cannot give him what he wants currently for various reasons. But it’s led to a distance between us which otherwise wouldn’t have been there, even though we’ve had conversations about it.

LadyDeadpool · 11/03/2018 15:04

"even that's under duress. "

She threatens to fucking leave him if he doesn't shag her more. Surely that's emotional abuse? I think he should run a mile from you OP as you sound awful. Even if he has depression I can't imagine you're helping by telling him if he doesn't use the vibrator on you, you're off. FFS thank fuck my partner is more understanding of my low sex drive even at 23 he was patient and never pushed me into doing things I didn't want to do like you are to your partner. You're a sexual predator I don't give a shit that you're a woman it's disgusting.

NotTheFordType · 11/03/2018 15:29

Oh piss off Deadpool (and your lack of punctuation.) It's not abuse to tell a partner that they are not meeting your needs and that you'll consider ending the relationship if things don't change.

LadyDeadpool · 11/03/2018 15:54

Oh but it is if you're a man as seen by many different threads on here?
Also pull the stick out of your ass about my lack of punctuation what a pathetic thing to bitch about.

"I’ve threatend to leave a few times. But he just ends up crying saying that he loves me and is really trying but what can he do when he has no energy."

She's threatening him to coerce him into sex that he doesn't want to have. Pathetic.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1831240-mismatched-sex-drives-crunch-point-Dh-threatening-to-leave

For when I'm inevitably told there are no double standards at play with regards to the pressurizing for sex

LemonysSnicket · 11/03/2018 16:07

I’m not going to lie I often prioritise sleep over sex and I’m hardly going to go to the doctors and say ‘I’m too tired for sex’ because they’d tell me that unless I think it’s depression or causing me to be unwell then just get more sleep ...

pallisers · 11/03/2018 16:14

She is a sexual predator because she wants sex more than once a month at the age of 23 and actually communicated this to her partner?

MN never ceases to amaze.

OP, he may be lovely but this relationship is going nowhere. Don't threaten to leave. Just leave. Say "you are a lovely man but we are not compatible, I wish you all the best" and move on. You are too young for this.

MoreProsecco · 11/03/2018 16:20

OP, I get the feeling you are hoping that your partner will change & things will resolve. It isn't happening & he isn't communicating or doing anything to resolve the situation.

Instead of focusing on him changing. I'd be changing my stance to thinking of your own needs & acknowledging that he is not meeting them- it's up to you to decide if you want to accept this

Lucie8881 · 11/03/2018 16:44

LadyDeadpool - that thread you've linked to is not a comparable situation. Other than the mid-matched libidos their issues are wildly different. And, for what it's worth, I wouldn't be quick to demonise the husband in that scenario either.

You're not a sexual predator for having a high sex drive and communicating that to a partner.

Lucie8881 · 11/03/2018 18:19

*mis-matched

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