right - it's sorted (almost!).
I absolutely had to get this sorted out this week, partly because I knew I couldn't let it go on, and partly because we are seeing the MIL at the weekend and I had to be in control by then. I e-mailed the bride and tried to get a time to meet up with her (not wanting to do it by phone) but it is a nightmare week so not possible. Then her mother happened to phone me about a hotel she had looked at for me (this is a very recent development that I have actually made contact with her and she seems very nice and very careful not to be stepping on toes). Having come off the phone to her, i thought "oh to hell with it" and called her back. I said that I was not going to be able to leave ds2 behind and needed to sort it out with Bride and Groom, but just wanted to ask her if she knew at all what they felt about it/him being there. She said no, not at all, and when she had asked about him, she had just been told that he was all sorted out. She couldn't remember whether it was the Bride or my MIL who had said that.
So then, I really took the bull by the horns, and phoned my BIL. I intentionally caught him in the car on the way home, and I said, "I can't leave him at home, would you mind if we brought him to the reception?". There was a big pause, then "there won't be any other children there" and I said "but no other children are your nephew or niece". He said "no no, I just mean, there won't be any others there, and there won't be childcare". I said "well, of course, I take full responsibility for all of my children. It's just that you've never mentioned him, so I don't know what your feelings are about it". He said, "oh no, we don't really have any, but the bride's mother does". This is where it was handy to have spoken to her. "Oh? What does she think?" "She's keen that they should have left by the time we sit down to eat"."No problem, I said,"already had this conversation with her. They'll be ready for bed by then and I certainly won't want them around".
(Incidentally, this was discussed a week or so back, when we first spoke. She was incredibly diplomatic and asked me, "without wanting to play down their role in the day, because they will be very important" at what point I thought they would be ready to leave. Did I think that dinner would be a good time?)
So back to BIL. I told him my plan: to get a student contact to meet me at the church and take ds2 off me, she will then wait for the bridal party to arrive so that he can see all that, then either take him for a walk or a drink and a biscuit, and be back at the church for when everyone comes out, at which point i take him back. He then comes to the reception, they all run about and keep all the guests entertained (which they will as they LOOK like little angels)until I take them back to bed.
He said "hmm, sounds fine, don't see a problem with that, just have to check with Her and get back to you"
How easy was that?
THANKS EVERYONE. Really couldn't have done it without you!