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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to stop obsessing

23 replies

Titaniumpins · 10/03/2018 13:44

I am not sure how to link to my thread about a group of friends now ex friends but dont want to type out the whole rubbish mess again. Anyway upshot is I am obsessing about it all esp as it impacts on my DS. I just generally feel crap about myself and keep churning it over and over in my mind. How do you guys stop obsessing over things? Its becoming ridiculous.

OP posts:
meme70 · 10/03/2018 13:49

Your obsessing as you have no answers to what’s troubling you.

You either have to seek answers even if hurtful
Or write all the obsessive thoughts down and deal with each one

Have you GAD ?x

Original poster
Titaniumpins · 10/03/2018 13:50

@meme70 whats GAD?

OP posts:
Original poster
Titaniumpins · 10/03/2018 13:56

Ah googles GAD, no i don't. This person has been low level bullying me and then acts like i was parnoid etc Its just a mess as I have lost my friendship group and like everyone just followed the leader as it were and condoned her behaviour. Think this might link the thread but knowing the issue doesnt help with trying to get it out head and move on :-(

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3177786-ADVICE-or-THOUGHTS-ON-ADULT-FRIEND-GROUP-ISSUE

OP posts:
meme70 · 10/03/2018 13:59

General anxiety disorder

Do you have anxiety in general ?

How do you deal with life’s problems ?
Do you worry before thinking it through ?
Do you deal with things head on ?
How was your childhood ?
Any life problems ?

I grew up watching my violent alcoholic father beat my mother who herself has mental health problems.
I then meet and married an alcoholic
Had 8 years fertility treatment
Another long term relationship with a controlling cheat
Late babyloss
Sepsis
Etc etc

I have GAD
I worry before I try solve a problem
I have chronic ibs d as anxiety kicks off my digestive system
I worry about everything

Original poster
Titaniumpins · 10/03/2018 14:07

@meme70 goodness that sounds absolutely awful and so much for one person to cope with in their lifetime cerainly brings this into perspective from that point of view. I hope things are better for you now?

I am a worrier and can be slightly obseesive in thinking about things but generally not GAD.

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Whatsforu · 10/03/2018 14:17

I doubt very much you have GAD. This situation you are having to deal with is awful and it's no wonder you are struggling. I know because i have had similar happen to me but at least my DC were not involved. Draw a line under it and move on I know that's not easy but is the only way. I am a great believer in karma!!!!

Original poster
Titaniumpins · 10/03/2018 14:23

@whatsforu I think I’d be finding easier if it wasn’t for DS . I just need to somehow draw that line. We met every Friday and every weekend I’m churning churning . Maybe if someone followed me around and slapped me every time I mentioned it. MN folk you are doing your civic duty here as DH ready to kill me :-(

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QuiteLikely5 · 10/03/2018 14:24

You need to move on. Accept that you cannot control others but only how you respond to them.

Accept that things happen in life thst night hurt you

Start focusing on other people groups or hobbies

Consider sucking up to friend A

Spudina · 10/03/2018 14:45

I tend to dwell on things too. I do have anxiety and depression at times. CBT can help. I find distraction helps too. Plan some nice activities for the days, then get engrossed in box sets and books when you have down time. It's really hard, but you can't give these people space in your head.

Original poster
Titaniumpins · 10/03/2018 22:53

not sure of this option

Consider sucking up to friend A

OP posts:
routineplease · 10/03/2018 23:00

I was in exactly the same situation as you about 2 years ago. All I can say is that in time things settle down and fade.
I would obsess over and over it to the point every single day was taken over by my thoughts about the situation. It comes down to fear. Fear of others and what they think of you.
So the only way you can deal with it is to be brave! Have courage and be kind.
Also google frenemies and toxic friendships. Thanks

Original poster
Titaniumpins · 10/03/2018 23:03

@routineplease thanks thats exactly what I am doing thinking about it all every single day and its ridiculous esp when people like the OP describe other much more important life events. Still bloody hurts though. Re google yes I will x

OP posts:
routineplease · 10/03/2018 23:13

I realized that the 'queen bee' as I like to call her was an extremely insecure person (all be it very manipulative and witty).
Anyway enough of me overanalyzing as that is the point of your thread!
I think it's called ruminating - and there are lots of techniques you can try. But for me the only thing that worked was time and also being around her/them regularly so that it just didn't feel so raw. Even though it is terribly awkward you kind of get used to the awkwardness.
I also tried to think of how much I was wasting my time and energy sitting worrying about it.

Original poster
Titaniumpins · 10/03/2018 23:26

Ahh yeah I think she is like that but has made it impossible for me to hang out with her although as you say I would have liked the option when more of the periphery people were there. Sadly it seems the other main girls although friendly if I texted or bumped into them don’t contact me or invite me pretty horrible as I thought we were all friends !

OP posts:
Pompom42 · 10/03/2018 23:33

Recently I attended some CBT for therapy.
I've suffered with anxiety for years but worse this past year.
Therapist told me to sort any problems into hypothetical or not.
If I can do something about the problem then she told me to deal with it straight away. If I can't do something about the problem I need to put it into my 'worry time'
Worry time is the same slot everyday and you decide when. E.g everyday between 9pm and 9.30pm or 11am-11.30am etc
You can only worry during this time and not at all during the day.
I thought it was rubbish at first but I tried it and it's really helped me. I fell out with friends last year and one of them I see on a weekly basis and it's hard as we can't/don't talk. I put this into my worry time

routineplease · 10/03/2018 23:40

I wrote all my thoughts down about the situation once then burnt the paper in the hope that sub conciously I would let it go haha!
Eventually your obsessing will die down Thanks

Original poster
Titaniumpins · 10/03/2018 23:42

@pompom42 it’s amazing just how many people have similar stories I would never want to see another family left out even tho A been ask mean I would rather everyone stayed friends and I was less involved. I like the worry time idea though if I could stick to it. Did it take a week or so to stick to it ?

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Original poster
Titaniumpins · 10/03/2018 23:43

A been so mean rather than been ask lol

OP posts:
Pompom42 · 10/03/2018 23:51

I live in a small village too so it's been exceptionally hard. Our kids were friends but cannot be anymore with situation as it is. I have to stand alone at the school and that's when the anxiety kicks in.

I had therapy for 6 weeks and it took 4 or 5 weeks to grasp. Therapist said it's a learned behaviour and I need to try and change the way I've thought for years. That's what it's about how you think about things and process stuff. I was at the stage where I was paranoid and just walked with my head down to try and keep myself to myself.

Original poster
Titaniumpins · 10/03/2018 23:57

I don’t live in a small village but read a lot of threads and it is often a small village which must be pretty awful. I feel your pain it’s so much worse when the kids get involved. On my other thread and a couple of OP shared as well and it kind of helps realising you are not the only one and seeing that they are coping down the line. Does bash your confidence :-( I swing from being all paranoid to being a bit angry ! Such a bad example to set all our kids !

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Pompom42 · 11/03/2018 00:01

Yes it was 6 months ago it happened. I was angry/suicidal/depressed etc
I wish I could move from here. What makes it worse is the fact it's a small village i automatically assume everyone knows what went on and everyone is talking about me. The reality is they probably aren't.

One person decides they don't want to talk to you and other people follow suit. It's like they are all sheep. You don't expect bullying or exclusion from grown adults.

Original poster
Titaniumpins · 11/03/2018 00:02

@routineplease it’s wirth a go and it’s cold enough for a fire ! I know you are right in time I’ll atop so I’m the meantime Mumsnet a good distraction x

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Original poster
Titaniumpins · 11/03/2018 19:16

@pompom42 how are you feeling now I hope a little better ? It’s so hard when your lives are intertwined and no you certainly don’t expect to be bullied or excluded as an adult. The worst bit is the others that follow the path of least resistance. I was reading someone’s post on narcissism and although it was on the extremes there were parallels in the stages 1. Love bomb 2. Dissatisfaction and boredom 3. Dumped

Can’t understand it and tiles reversed I’d have cut down one on one if I felt that strongly but wd not like to see any family excluded TBH

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