Never quite good enough for my mother

[KateGrey]

I’m in my late 30s and have three kids (two have autism and of them is very severely affected - non verbal and is 5).

My mum and I have always had an up and down relationship. My mum cares a lot about what people think. Too much so probably. When I was younger her opinions override mine. She’d force me to wear dresses. I didn’t like the texture of meat she’d say that was stupid etc. I remember her once saying I wasn’t the sort of daughter she wanted.

We’re relatively close now. But her opinions mean more than they should. If we disagree she’d freeze me out. I have to ring her about mother’s day tomorrow and I know that the fact I haven’t rung before now will count against me but I’m scared as whatever I suggest won’t be good enough. It’s hard to do a lot because of the kids. We’ve offered to have her over for a takeaway (my dad is very good picky so she doesn’t go out for curry etc a lot) but it’s not good enough she wants me to cook. I’m not a fan of cooking as I have two coeliacs (one of them is autistic and very limited diet) and we can’t seat everyone here.

How do people deal with never being good enough? I can’t have it out with her as she occasionally looks after my kids for two hours a fortnight so I can work.

Your the mummy now she isn’t as such she doesn’t do mummy’s work anymore she should treat you.

I grew up with an violent alcoholic father
A mother who was needy for constant attention from him and after him any man that was interested she’d out them first

She’s 68 still in dating sites has nothing to do with me my brother or my daughters

I’m glad as she was here New Year’s Day I cooked for 7 people she started on me as he had had another row with anew man she has several a month and screamed at me infrint if everyone after she ate my food she cane to my house did nothing brought nothing and sat angry

So I told her enough is enough she wasn’t a good mothe and she’s a worse grandmother etc
In the end I shout myself off away in another room

We barely talk and I couldn’t be happier

I’m not a man so I’m not good enough for her
She’s jealous of my relationship and I’m nearly 50
I wish I had t spent so many years worrying about a women who never cared enough about me

In 2015 I had late baby loss she cane in my house and walked out when I was hemorghing
She cane into intensive care and told me. Most couples split up after late Babyloss ???? I was critically ill my 15 year old was shocked

You have to put your happiness first
You are an adult
If she’s not making you happy then don’t see her on mother’s day
Tell her you want a day with your immediate family this year

I’d not be held to ransom her having my kids when I worked as my mom did that and landed me in it with no notice and I had no childcare
Never rely on anyone be independent get tax credits etc arrange a proper chikdcare

I would now find alternative childcare; she was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she has not fundamentally altered. Such people as well never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. Unfortunately I also doubt that you are close now because its her way or no way as far as she is concerned; this is all on her terms.

You do not have to call her on Mothers Day either; you have a choice here. Kind mothers do not freeze their adult offspring out nor do they call you stupid or not the daughter she wanted.

Its not your fault your mother is the ways she is, you did not make her that way. I would also deal with your fear, obligation and guilt re your mother through seeing a therapist too. You need to find someone who fits in with your approach and has no familial bias about keeping families together.

You mention your dad only briefly here; what is his role here in all this. Is he a bystander simply acting out of self preservation and want of a quiet life, is he her enabler?. It looks like he has failed you as a parent as well.

I would read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward and "Will I ever be good enough?" by Karyl McBride.

Sorry to say... your mum sounds awful. If anyone isn’t good enough it’s her.
You have 3 kids, 2 with autism and you shouldn’t be the one cooking on mothers day. You should be putting your feet up and she should be cooking if she wants home cooked meal. I would find alternative childcare and reduce contact with her. It’s not good for you.

I strongly suggest going nc. It's bloody great.
No criticism anymore.