I constantly worry that my personality is "too strong"?

[Namila]

Hi all, I hope mumsnet can provide some words of wisdom about something I have been struggling with for a while.

Both in my personal life, especially with dating, and in my professional life, I keep feeling that my personality comes across too strongly. I am never aggressive, raise my voice or anything like that, but I am an opinionated and loud type I think. I have always been this way, but during the last year a few things happened to me that made me bring out the strong side even more.

Even though I do receive positive comments about this, along the lines of "you are such a strong woman, you go girl, you are such a boss" I can't help but feeling that it also holds me back. That if I were able to tone it down a bit, I'd be liked more.

An example at work: a few months ago I interviewed for an internal position. After my interview, which went very well, the hiring manager started reaching out to a lot
of people that have worked with me to check that I wasn't a trouble maker, as durig my interview he felt like my personality was very strong. Everyone told him that yes I have a strong character and opinions, but I am nice, respectful and collaborative. He ended up offering me the job, but I felt somehow hurt that I left that impression during my interview.

I could also mention many istances with dating, where I felt like the person I was out with was taken aback by my personality and clearly felt intimidated. It is funny that many of these men did ask me out for a second date, so clearly they did like something about me. Yet, I often end up feeling I am "too much" during a date, and I just wish I was softer and less intense.

I have been feeling more and more conscious about this, and I now seriously wonder if I should make an effort to appear softer/ nicer. One on hand we are constantly told that "we should be ourselves", but on the other I am tired of feeling like an elephant in a China shop!

Thank you to all of you who read this long OP. Just feeling a bit down this morning and I'd love some words of reassurance.

Oh, now you're not a woman who has opinions, thoughts and ideas and is forthright enough to actually say them are you? Tsk.

Why not water yourself down a bit pet and fall into the background, there's a good girl.

Look, you got the job. Keep going. Be you and don't let the bastards get you down.

But the end results you have described have been positive!

The fact you are self reflective makes me think you will get better and better at dealing with people as you mature.

You sound great by the way!

Ah well keep on reflecting.

Freeniki

That fall out with a colleague was a one-off, it never happened before and it never happened afterwards. In fact when the hiring manager digged around, no one said I was a trouble maker.

The abusive fling, wellt that was a horrible, horrible idea, but I most definitively wasn't the one with the strong personality in the "relationship". Although that experience did make me become a lot more defensive with dating, so it definitely played a role.

are you me? I've been feeling very similar myself, but I just can't seem to contain it even though I'm very aware! No control, no filter. Most of the time I do embrace who I am, every setting needs a strong, lively person.

My worry is some women think I'm not a nice person because I'm not overlly sensitive or emotional.

Im trying to tell myself you can't please everyone whoever you are and you just need to focus on spending time and energy with the people who do get you.

User it is oddly reassuring that I am not the only one feeling this way!

I would have hoped that some of the insecurities would have gone away after the teen years, but they seem to be getting worse!

Perhaps we're actually just unnecessarily paranoid and really shouldn't worry about it!

Poor form to dig up old posts and not only to refer to them but actually POST them. Yuk.

I have a friend whose mother was a strong personality and someone said to her "you're too much for me!" and friend's mother drew herself up to her majestic height and retorted "Well NOT ENOUGH FOR ME!"

I like that. Where have you imbibed the idea that being a strong woman is offensive and unfeminine? Stupid question bcs of course vestiges of it are everywhere in our sexist, woman- hating culture. BUT things are getting better!

Did you hear this message from your own dad? Your mum? Siblings? Was your unfeminine celebrated at home?

Duff the punch line why don't you
Well you're NOT ENOUGH etc

@Namila

But the story of you and your colleague makes you sound anything but strong.

Confronting and then crying and emailing an apology so she had a written record of it to use if she had to.......

Then the relationship.

A strong woman wouldn't have tolerated either.

It's great that your new employer has this impression of you.

Keep it up and I'm sure you will do a fantastic job.

I despair!

Not was your unfeminine celebrated at home!
But was your personality celebrated at home.

Ffs.

Vile posting Niki.

Springy now that you make me think about it, none of my relatives or close friends has every told me I am too strong or made me fee like I am too much. It is usually a feeling that I get from people that don't know me well, so it is more about the way I come across initiative perhaps.

I do have a lot of softness in my personality as well, but it is not immediately visible so it takes a bit of time for people to see that side of me.

Perhaps you are just a bit histrionic and like being the centre of attention. That's not necessarily the same as being "too strong" or "too much". If people who know you and like you don't have a problem with the way you are, what exactly is the issue?

Interesting. I have a very strong personality and it's too strong for many people.
I am also very self-centred.
I need to work on these things. Continuously.
At least you are aware.

I also have a strong erm initial impression. I happen to be a sensitive soul too and can feel baffled at others' strong responses to what is to me ordinary. Not putting this very well..

Yy a lot of it is their stuff ie projection or plain envy (as if I am not vulnerable too in my way!). But I recognise the elephant in a China shop thing (mixing metaphors).

Laterally, I'm getting on a bit, I kind of don't care so much any more. Perhaps there's something in just going forward in fullness, celebrating who you are. Holding back can make one come across in an unconvincing way perhaps. Rather like a giraffe trying to be short.

FreeNiki
I don’t think you really get it, I sometimes think my personality is too strong, I’ve ended up in an abusive relationship

I worry I come across as a bit too loud and not soft, and opinionated so I get where you’re coming from
Maybe I am more over emotional than some people.
Not a lot I can say really other than don’t dumb yourself down, someone out there likes someone with a bit of bite

This resonates with me.

I’m quite confident and blunt in my opinions, but I’m also very approachable and people know they can come to me for help.

This week was the first time I pushed back on something in work and it ended up with one person crying and telling the manager I wasn’t supportive and the other person very upset that I’m so blunt and not nicey nicey pussy footing around people. This was the VERY FIRST time I said no to doing something in this team and I just don’t think they are used to me pushing back.

I think we all (strong opinionated women) have realised that not everyone can handle our personalities and some people need to be handled a bit more gently. I actually got told it’s a development issue for me if I want to progress (!) but I’ve taken it on the chin as it is something I’m aware of, but I won’t let it change the who I am fundamentally.

Laterally?? Latterly.

Sorry about the 'vile' comment, niki. A bit strong!

Thinking about this some more... As offside intimates, perhaps we can choose how we come across sometimes, the onus being on the other person. As long as we know that who and what we are is great, reserved for those who get it and celebrate it (including us!), we can tailor it to circs.

As long as we're not twisting ourselves into a pretzel.

I have a friend who is LOUD. She is incapable of speaking quietly and, hilariously, simply can't whisper. She is self conscious about it. Which is a shame bcs she's GREAT.

Offside I think you make a good point. I think what I'd love to do is learning how to have more control over how strongly my personality comes across. I wouldn't want to be a different person, I'd just like to be able to switch a filter on when needed.

Springy "As long as we're not twisting ourselves into a pretzel"

Namila this is something I have do too.

I don’t think it’s going to be easy doing it in natural moments, as in regular conversations, as I think it will take stepping back and thinking about things instead of just reacting to try and not come across so abrasive. However, something I’m going to practice when preparing for meetings etc is to pre-empt what is going to be discussed (usually pretty easy!) and think about how I can perhaps word things a bit differently beforehand so everyone is comfortable. I hope by doing this that it will soon just become another facet of my personality.

I don’t think you should change who you are, I think as many people appreciate the strong personality as don’t and sometimes it’s necessary to not pussy foot around things.

I don’t worry about it too much in a work environment
Because I think I am nice and easy to approach and deal with
It’s actually more the men side of things, obviously some men do like this, or I would never have managed to have a relationship, but I often think I’m boxed into a corner a bit and labelled and no longer seen as sexy or romantic if that makes sense

I spent a lot of my life trying to edit myself to please people. It made no difference.

As long as you are considerate of others, your personality is who you are. Please don't angst over whether you're good enough.