Huge resentment of husband - how to get over it?

[olddogsnewtricks]

I have been married for 15 years, in that time my husband's career has gone from strength to strength and mine has stagnated. I have also cut down my hours as I was finding full-time too stressful as DH's work often takes him abroad, late finishes, no other help etc. Logically I should be pleased and supportive, no? But it's not what I wanted - I wanted to be an equal partner, have an equal say in what we do and where we live as a family (I don't). I am so angry with him and he is not a bad bloke and I am even more angry at myself for getting into this situation. Help!

I think the fact that you had to cut back on your hours to accommodate his work means the chances of being equal partners was pretty low. More importantly, being equal partners isn't dependent on your career or income. Either your partner respects you and your contributions to family life or he doesn't.

There are two issues here.

1. That you are unhappy that your career stagnated while his flourished.

2.That you don't have an equal say in family decisions (presumably because your husband deems your lower earning power does not deserve it).

2 is simpler to tackle and is wrong wrong wrong. Have you challenged him?

All because someone earns more or has a better job doesn’t make them in charge of a relationship
We work from home my husband earns loads more than I do but no way is he better than me or in charge

I think you are jacking inself confidence if you can change career paths maybe self employment or a new job

But please don’t think think or let him think your not equal if he’s treating you not equal I think he has issues tbh

Do you have kids? Does he pull his weight equally at home?

Could you take time now to prioritise your career as it’s taken a back seat to his for some time?

Well you should have an equal say, although for many couples the primary bread winners work will dictate a lot in terms of location,neither of you get much say unless the person resigns.

Is there more going on though in terms of how he treats you, or is this simply you resent some of the decisions you've made and are blaming him?

Thank you for your thoughts, I really appreciate it.

Honeylulu - I don't think it is a question of money. Despite earning less, he never makes me feel that money is part of the equation. We each pay towards household expenses in proportion to our wages and the money is very much family money.

Tatiana - yes we have kids and these problems have only really come to the fore since we have. I know he wouldn't accept prioritising my career over his ever! Realistically, it would mean a drop in a salary for him and only a potential increase in mine so doesn't make sense for family finances. Still annoys me though.

meme- I think you could be right that I am lacking somewhat in self-confidence but I am not sure that even with more assertiveness I would get what I want.

Bluntness Is there more going on though in terms of how he treats you, or is this simply you resent some of the decisions you've made and are blaming him?

I think it's a mixture of both. He doesn't treat me badly at all but he quite often in his own "bubble". He has made really big decisions for the family without even consulting me. He knows how upset this makes me but quite often "forgets" again. I feel that he subconsciously (I don't think he does it on purpose!) behaves like his dad did when he was a child (sole breadwinner, mother happy to delegate all decisions) and forgets that that is not the type of couple we are (or at least I hope we aren't). I want to feel that we are on the same team, whereas I often feel that we are not even on the same page!

I am also probably blaming him in part for my own (bad) decisions. I put myself in this situation, as many wives do I am sure, because it made sense at the time for one of us to take a step back and logically it had to be the lower earner. It really grates though as this has changed the dynamic of our relationship, where we live etc and I bear the brunt of that - plus the infuriating knowledge that it is (partly) my fault! I guess I don't want to leave him but I do desperately want him to acknowledge that I am an equal partner and support me a bit more.

if he genuinely is a good man, he can't possibly fail to respond to the impassioned and eloquent plea in your last message. If he doesn't, he isn't a good man.
Somehow you need to communicate in s deadly serious way, or it will just get worse.

Start to make little changes. Do one thing that is totally your decision. When he suggests stuff say let me think about that and maybe we can discuss it again at the weekend. He is probably used to making big decisions on his own at work and treats home the same. Make a list of things you would like to change and do one of them. The things you did were right at the time due to babies etc but this is a new day. Possibly your dc are older and now is the time to step it up. If you blame him you are a victim. So decide today what is your first change.

Having equality in the relationship is not about the hours worked or the pay received. Both of you are doing things that are for the good of your family. So you should both have equal say in decisions.

I do think you need to sit down and talk this through with him - does he know that you feel this way?

You mention it would be difficult to shift the career balance now, and if that's the case it's a very difficult situation for you OP. If it's hard now due to kids at home / needing a certain level of income, is there anything you could do to plan for the future when these things aren't the case? Not sure how far away this time might be - might not be a suggestion that would work if this is some time off.

The strongest and happiest marriage I know, my sister, she earns nothing and he is a very high earner. She does pretty much all of the running of the house and looking after the children but they are very much a team and completely equal. It’s their money and they make important decisions together. The status of your relationship has nothing to do with your job.

I’m sure you’re right that he is subconsciously reverting to the norms of his parents’ relationship - many of us do this.

I agree with others that you can change the dynamic though. First of all, be clear with him that this is something you’re not happy about and need to change (he may not be fully aware of how you’re feeling?). Then, next time he makes a family decision without consulting you, big or small, insist that the decision is revisited, however much of a hassle that is.

And think about things that you want, just for you. Would you like to increase your hours at work and get more help with childcare or around the house?

I always think you should feel like the main protagonist in your own life. You obviously don’t.

I think it’s so easy for women to step back and do the unpaid role at home because it makes financial sense but then they get into the position you are in where someone else, who may be lovely and all that, is the main protagonist in your life and your family choices. That’s a very sure route to at least a degree of unhappiness.

I think it’s pretty vital for your wellbeing and the wellbeing of your marriage that you step forward again - in whatever way makes sense to you. If DH doesn’t see that then he’s not a good husband.

Tatiana - yes we have kids and these problems have only really come to the fore since we have. I know he wouldn't accept prioritising my career over his ever! Realistically, it would mean a drop in a salary for him and only a potential increase in mine so doesn't make sense for family finances.

This is the problem,in that this says that the ability for one partner to bring more financially to the partnership is the most important thing,and outweighs anything else.
Yes,you have to earn enough as a couple to survive and provide for your family.
But when I read that he won't accept prioritising your career - if you partner up with someone,then you are entering a relationship where you might not get to do exactly what you want all the time.And part of that is accepting that your career choices may be affected or curtailed because your partner will be making career choices as well.
If you earn less as a couple (still assuming enough to survive here) because you both have paths you want to follow then that is what it is.No one should get to do exactly what they want because what they want is the outcome that will produce the most money - that's not a valid argument unless it is the only way you can live or unless you have agreed in advance as a couple that that's what you want.
IMO...( yes,I know the real world doesn't work like that...)

OP, it might seem like an possible situation to change, but anybody can eat an elephant!
If it’s the career progression that upsets you the most, remember children aren’t small forever. Even part time, you could, potentially, get some more courses under your belt, go to conferences/courses, go for more senior shared positions (no idea what you do, I can do this in my job).
Yes, it’s not the same as being full time, it’s harder and it takes longer, but hey, it is what it is.

Also, you are your own person. Might not seem that way. But look, I suggest you do a mind map. In the middle of a page, write ME, circle it, and then write all your roles: mother, employee, wife, daughter, friend, citizen, runner, cook...etc.
Then,for each of the roles write 5 good things and 5 things you need to work on/you dislike/you want to change.

It will, hopefully, give you a bit more of a perspective, bite sizing makes a task easier.

Oh, and read ‘Wifework’ if you haven’t done it already. It will help you see just how many tasks you take on and hopefully will make you stronger :)
Hth

Totally agree with infinitecurve.

OP - he doesn’t forget to consult you - to do that he would have to forget he’s married. He simply thinks he’s entitled to make these high-handed decisions and doesn’t respect you enough to bother to involve you. He lacks consideration. He probably knows you won’t kick up too much fuss so he gets to do life his way.

My parents are old school, they’re 80 now, but neither would or ever have taken a major decision without discussion, ever. I mention them because you say that he’s following the traditional pattern of his parents. But a traditional pattern of older generations doesn’t have to selfishness and lack of consideration.