Where do I go from here?

[Indecisivemummy]

I've posted a few times in the past regarding my relationship basically we have been together 20+ years, we have children and I feel I'm at a crossroads.

I've realised (i think!) I no longer want to be with my dh I think I've progressively been falling out of love for the last 7 years and now it's hit crunch time.

The reasons I think It's happened is:
He has had a(part time) job the last 2 years but before that he only worked 4 weeks in 5 years (not for my lack of asking him to get a job!) and then quit the jobs without telling me first, I found this hard to get my head round.

All though he has been better lately (the last three months) every time he feels I don't give him enough affection (sex) he gets in a mood for days then says maybe we should seperate or need to make more effort (i feel like I am constantly trying to please him and it's hard work)

I've been having sex when I've not wanted to (to keep the peace) I don't now, but I think the damage is done.

He won't go see a marriage councillor.

To be honest I just feel worn down by it all coupled with the fact I feel he leaves me to do most things so my days off involve running around his watching the TV relaxing.

I think I'd be ok financially if we part but I'm concerned how the kids will cope as I know he will move away (he has told me this). I'm scared they will blame me for it all but I can't keep on acting everything is ok when it's not!

What do I do? Stay together and be unhappy but the kids be ok, dont and completely change their lives?!! I don't know what to do or what i expect even from posting any thoughts anyone please??

Your happiness is more important. Why did he work 4 weeks over 5 years. Was he seriously ill. I'd have been straight out at the first sign of laziness.

moving away with no money??

Why would your children blame you at all for the marriage's demise?. It sounds like it was over really years ago but you stayed for your own reasons, perhaps the kids and or a fear of being alone or change. They in turn have probably wondered of you why you have put him first all these years. They would certainly call you daft for staying with him, their feckless dad and they have seen and heard more than you care to realise.

Did your parents show you a similar example, I was wondering what you yourself learnt about relationships when growing up.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what have they learnt and seen from the two of you?. Do not continue to show your children that a loveless marriage is their norm too.

I think you would all manage well enough without him in your day to day lives; he has brought you in particular nothing but stress and aggravation over the years.

His only real contribution here has been to threaten to move away himself, that is his decision and not your responsibility. Just shows further how feckless and selfish he actually is.

Honestly I've stayed because of the guilt of breaking up my family. I love my kids more than anything and can't bear them being unhappy or hating me.

To answer some questions no there was no reason he couldn't work, just let me get on with it and promised to get a job, when we moved, youngest went to school etc. I probably made it to easy for him just buckled down and worked so we had enough money, my son made comments about me earning on my own (he has always been much closer to me) despite earning I never felt I could spend anything as I felt too guilty incase we needed it.

My parents are and have been happily married over 40 years, had their aguements but happy. Maybe that's part of the reason I've stayed I feel like a failure.

You are not a failure and your children will been fine after you have got rid of the dead wait holding you back ...as a man i dont understand how any man can not work and provide for his family . Do the right thing for you and the children and spend the next 20yrs happy ...

I'd lose all respect and sexual attraction for my DH if he didn't work and left me to be the financial provider.

It's not like he was looking after the DCs... I'd feel he was basically a parasite.

Your DC need a better example of a role model for a father.

I have Sandy that's the problem, I spent so much time working and sorting and didn't let it register, even now he only works p.t with no reason why.

I do struggle with why averageguy my Dad was and still is an amazing role model he worked hard (12 hours+ and Saturdays) when I was young and worked until he was over 70! He always did have a f.t job then we moved a fair distance from our family's and that was it!

To be honest I think I know what needs to happen I just need people to say I'm not being silly and my kids will be okay! I don't even want another relationship I just want to be on my own with my kids.

Your children won't hate you or blame you.

If he feels so little love for the children that he would move away then they will already know in their hearts that he doesn't care about them.

Children are inexperienced not stupid.

"Honestly I've stayed because of the guilt of breaking up my family. I love my kids more than anything and can't bear them being unhappy or hating me".

Do you think your H feels at all guilty here; probably not. He has broken up this family by his poor choices and actions. You have only now decided to potentially call time on this so called marriage. They are more likely confused by the two of you in that they are wondering why you have stayed together at all. I sincerely hope they do not think that you have to date put him before them.

They will not hate you either if you leave him, whatever gave you that idea in the first place?. Do you want them to grow up thinking that their dad's inertia and selfishness are the norms in relationships, would you want this sort of a relationship for them?. No you would not.

You are not being silly here in wanting this marriage to end, your children will not hate you and the sky will not fall in.

Thank you to everyone who has replied.

Attila I think the kids will blame me because it will have to come from me ill be the one saying mummy and daddy aren't going to be together, he loves me (well says he does). I know if he goes back to where we used to live (3.5 hours away) it won't be my doing but they know it will be hard for them to see him, I had hoped he would rent something local but he said not - obviously he may just be saying this and it may not happen I don't know.
I just feel there is a massive elephant in the room and I don't feel comfortable when he is home.
I don't think I can just carry on.

I also know if I don't do it soon birthdays, events and Christmas will come another year will pass and I'll still be in the same perdicument.
I know the kids deserve a happy Mum as well , I think I hide how I feel but I don't know that.