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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

mama's boy and his narcissistic mum

20 replies

sonamu · 10/03/2018 00:08

My boyfriend meets his mum(single) once or twice a week and one phone call and messages.

After 30 years stay with her, he has his own place where takes 15 mins drive from her. They have a dinner once a week during a weekday. If he is just mama's boy, I may understand.

But she makes a list of chores such as gardening, bin and asks him to do them. Or in order to go to hospital, airport, aunt's, or even get rid of christmas decoration on weekend. I live in central london and he lives in surrey so she knows we usually meet during weekend.

He is so afraid to disappoint her so he drove her 4 hours to his brother's during his serious illness. He often complains about her. However if I agree with it, he becomes defensive and says that she is always supportive to him and he is happy with her.

I've her her four times. His mum is jealousy, self centric, and complain all the time and endlessly ask to spend time with her. I must say she is the most unpleasant person I have met in UK. His mum involved in our relationship often and we break up several times.

He still says it is completely normal to meet her once or twice a week and I should change attitudes. He forces me to meet her as saying if I meet her, everything is okay.

I really wish to know I am the one who blames him without reason and need to have a therapy. If many people agrees, I wish to fix it.

Please give me an advice. we are on the verge of break up...again and again.

OP posts:

Paperdolly · 10/03/2018 00:35

You sound jealous and a little possessive. This relationship may not be good for either of you.

LinesInTheSand · 10/03/2018 00:42

Honestly, you don't sound happy and I'm not surprised. I'd break up and start again with a more compatible partner.

TiffinForTea · 10/03/2018 00:45

Break up for good, is the simple answer.

Original poster

sonamu · 10/03/2018 01:11

I got rid of stories of meeting her because it is too long.

Four times of visit was unpleasant. Because I am a lonely foreigner, I wished to have a family. I just thought my boyfriend is a lovely son and family guy.

First meeting was not too bad. He complained about her in front of me so I secretly asked not to. She kept talking about her so I smiled and nodded.

But I stayed in his flat due to my knee surgery. the second day of stay, he suddenly called his mum to stay with us because she will have an operation. I was panicked to stay with her in a one bedroom apartment. Luckily she stayed at hospital. But I gently asked him to discuss first with me to make a decision which affects to me. I haven't seen such outrage, shouting, and swearing at me. I was terrified to stay at his place.

Second meeting was his mum and brother's couple. She was a bit jealousy between two couples but mostly okay. I said to my boyfriend cautiously that I am willing to meet his mum once a month but if it is more often, it may be difficult.

But he already set a meeting with her a week later. We needed to follow her shopping. I was really surprised how she treated the sales person. She spent 3 hours to be extremely picky and rude to him. Even my boyfriend says he is not proud of her behaviour and admits she is selfish and hard to people. I keep saying that meeting her once a month is bearable but would be hard if we meet more often.

The highlight was a christmas. He asked me to have christmas dinner with her. So I said if I don't stay over, I will do it for him. A week later, he asked us to go to his aunt's place on christmas day. So I agreed if I don't stay over. And few days before christmas, he said we need to stay at her place for two days. I said I didn't agree with it. Then he outraged again because he already told her to stay two nights. In fact, she kept sending him a message and he agreed to stay one night. and she kept asking more and more to stay two nights. We had a big fight....mostly he shouted, and sweared at me and I was shaking with fear if he hurts me. Finally his brother who was supposed to be with his girlfriend and her family spent christmas eve with her.

I spend christmas day at his aunt's place. Whenever she opens presents, she asked a receipt to refund. I need to shut up because once I made a joke about him, she came to me and said "that's not nice, bless you!" with slight spank. She kept shouting at kids(5, 9 year boys) and scold them. Boxing day, she spend time with him and his brother's couple. I stayed at his place alone.

Since then I refuse to meet her. he keeps saying what he and his mum did. he said there is no problem and all is just my misunderstand and imagination.

Is it true? Then I will go counseling.
By the way, he saved her number with name "mob mum".

OP posts:

Custardo · 10/03/2018 01:20

couple of things - he can call his mum names but you can't - its just the way it is
his behavour towards you - if you are scared - he is a cunt and you need to leave

i think thats all

Shen0102 · 10/03/2018 02:07

what are you hoping to get out of this relationship ??

newyearoldme · 10/03/2018 02:13

If he shouts at you and you feel threatened by him then you don't need to stay with him. He doesn't sound very committed to you or your relationship as he doesn't seem able to recognise your needs or to make time for you. His family don't seem very pleasant either. Have you been together long?

Original poster

sonamu · 10/03/2018 02:31

We have been 9 month.
He usually cynical or calm. Since he lose control whenever I complain about her mum's involvement in our relationship. He recognise his temper and doing anger issue therapy. I appreciate he is trying his best.

But when he meets his mum on weekend, he feel sorry or guilty for me (I don't know why his main feeling for relationship is guilty) and suggests to meet me during weekday. While he is vomit, he drove his mum for 4 hours and came to see me on the same day. I don't want him to torture himself to meet two woman's need. I suggest not to meet me or I visit him when he meets his mum on weekend (which is every two to three weeks plus once a weekday dinner) But I feel lonely when I need him.

OP posts:

newyearoldme · 10/03/2018 02:48

You've been with him 9 months.
He has anger issues.
He makes you scared when he gets cross
He gets cross when you want him to spend more time with you than with his mum.

He doesn't sound very nice and it doesn't sound like he's making much time for you.

Can you imagine him defending your relationship to his mum? If not, then maybe it's time to move on.

newyearoldme · 10/03/2018 02:49

You don't need him, honey.

Coyoacan · 10/03/2018 03:45

Another one here thinking that it is really time you got out of that relationship and find someone who cares about you with a tolerable family.

As for anger issues, run!

DPotter · 10/03/2018 03:50

Sounds like way too much hard work at such an early stage of a relationship. Get rid and move on
I wouldn't read too much into his name for her on his mobile 'mob Mum'- probably short for mobile - Mum, ie her mobile phone number

Paperdolly · 10/03/2018 07:09

Don't even think of having any children in this relationship. It would be so cruel.

elisenbrunnen · 10/03/2018 07:37

OP - I think you are investing too much into this 'relationship'. You are lonely, and want to belong to a family.

This family sounds hard work. You don't belong, and never will.

You need to find better friends.

Dump him.

offside · 10/03/2018 07:41

Not RTFT.

This is exactly like the relationship between my brother and mother. There is no way I would get involved in a relationship with a mummy’s boy and narcissistic mother, recipe for disaster.

DevilsDoorbell · 10/03/2018 07:43

His mum isn’t going to change. Neither is he.

Get out now and find someone else.

SandyY2K · 10/03/2018 07:47

End this relationship...because it's never going to make you happy. You can find a much better man than this.

Lillylollylandy · 10/03/2018 07:53

It's his mum. You have no right to tell him how often he can or cannot see her...

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/03/2018 07:54

Its not you, its them. This relationship has really been a disaster from the start and you should not be together now. If this is what it is like after only nine months then its not going to get better. His mother and he have an enmeshed relationship of their own and they will never be happy people.

I would end it completely before you embark on the getting together and breaking up cycle again. He and his family of origin are both horrible and dysfunctional.

Zaphodsotherhead · 10/03/2018 09:51

Anyone who shouts and swears at you to the point of needing therapy, is not a good person for you.

He can't see anything wrong with the relationship he has with his mum and he won't change. You need to leave him and find someone who can be your partner, not a stand in for his mum's.

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