Dreaming about my ex husband - very confused.

[BG2015]

I've been divorced for 10 years (separated for 18 months before that). We have 2 boys together, 14 & 18. It was an amicable divorce. We have both since talked about why our marriage failed, both to blame in many ways. It devastated me, as he was the one that ended it but I moved on. He has constantly hinted that he made a BIG mistake ending our marriage but I was hurt so that's all ways been in my head. We are friends and support our kids equally.

After my divorce I Had a 6 year relationship that wasn't great . Currently in a relationship, just over 3 years in. Not always easy, but what relationship is? My current partner has many wonderful qualities, I love him but he's not the love of my life. Very different upbringings, education, expectations, differing politics. My boys think he's great and he's generous, loving and very funny. But he can be moody, critical and lacking in empathy.

My boys recently went on holiday with their dad. Whilst away they met up with my parents whose cruise ship docked in a port close to where they were staying. I was so happy for them all, they FaceTimed me and my mum sent me loads of photos - but it really upset me too. I was so sad of all the holidays we could have had, the 6 of us if we'd still been married.

I've been dreaming about my ex husband loads since then. I've dreamt about him on and off over the years, the one that got away.

I probably aren't happy in my current relationship. I know it's hard to end a relationship, especially when it's not terrible.

Sorry for the ridiculously long post.

Most of us have times when we look back at what might have been. Hope you get over this soon as it is in the past.

I know! Over the years I've had to separate feelings of nostalgia between feelings that I still love my ex husband.

He's such a decent person. But then I have to remind myself that I actually don't know him much anymore - he left in 2006.

I think you need to end your current relationship. It doesn't matter that it's not terrible. You deserve more than that, though. Do you ever see your ex socially for a drink and a chat? You are probably looking back at the past with rose-tinted specs on, and another cliche alert the grass is always greener etc etc. That being said, you have two children together, and compared to your current partner's moodiness and other not-so-great qualities, maybe there's a chance you can rekindle something with XDH?

Maybe because you’re not truly happy with your current DP, you’re dreams are sort of wishful thinking?

It might be worth suggesting a family holiday with your ex and see how you get on? Or see if he wants to come for dinner a few nights a week for family time so you can try and get to know him again? Or just go for it and ask him if he wants to go on a date?
It sounds like this is something you need to play out to resolve in your own head.

When my previous relationship ended my ex husband and I did meet up, we skirted around the issue but he was in a relationship at the time.

I don't think my current relationship is right. We have had some good times and it's hard to think of life again without someone. But at 49 I'm a big girl, I can and would cope.

I went away last weekend with friends, he showed no interest in what I'd done - I chatted away but nothing. He's since told me, what I do with my friends isn't interesting to him, it's my life not his. I was stunned at that.

That's what's clinched it for me.

Oh god, dump that bloke. He's awful! And don't forget for some people it's easy to be generous with money if they have it anyway - it's far harder to be generous with your time and emotions.

As for your ex, why did you split up? Was anyone else involved? Was he horrible to you at the time? You say he made the decision - were you relieved in any way?

We split because we had just built a house, we'd got 2 little boys and I was teaching full time. My husband wasn't a brilliant dad, I was left to do it all. He didn't have a great relationship with his boys.

But I was also at fault (after counselling) I realised i often undermined him, my experience in chid care meant I could do everything better! I get that now. He gave up and wasn't strong enough to stand up to me and tell me that HE was changing a nappy, taking them to the park etc.

He had a female friend who he turned to, I do genuinely believe it was an emotional affair initially. He had to leave before it went further and even then he struggled with the guilt.

He's a brilliant dad now. He had to be.

Well I would definitely end your current relationship. It’s not right for you. You deserve better.

With regards to dreaming about your ex - I dream about an ex boyfriend all the time. It’s really odd. Just before I started ivf years ago I had recurring dreams that I was wandering around where we used to work together looking for him to ask him if it was ok to have ivf! (Even odder I have spoken to him since and it turns out he and his wife had to have ivf too - didn’t tell him about the dreams though! )

It does sound like you and your ex might have unfinished business. You are both older and hopefully wiser. But you won’t know if you stick with your current relationship.

I think if I were you I would end the current relationship and have some time alone to figure out what you want.

I definitely know this relationship can't continue- I just hate that thought of it ending. It hurts. Been here before. It's shit. I shall miss him.

Thankfully we aren't linked financially. But I can't settle.

At least I won't have to hear the phrase...."there are just too many people in the country" again. He says it everyday.

Him not being interested in what you got up to with your friends speaks volumes. Time to end things for sure. How bloody old is he? My dad comes out with stuff like that 😬

He's 52, I'm 49.

He also refuses to talk about his previous relationships which I don't understand. He says they're in the past, over - which I get. But I've learnt from my past relationships and talking about them has helped.

There are loads of things that

It might be that once you get rid of Loserboy that your ex doesn't look as tempting. At the moment he looks like the greener grass - a catalyst for you to realise you want/need A, B & C in a relationship and Loserboy isn't giving you that. When you are single you might look at the ex and cringe - or not -

He's sounds about 75 and closed off. Bite the bullet and put yourself out of misery.

Your ex is a red herring here. Your unhappiness with the current relationship is the problem.

Do what you need to do. 12 years is a very long time! Rose tinted specs and all that!

I agree my ex is a red herring.

My partner is not a loser however, I think my ex leaving me and 2 kids aged 5 & 3 is the bigger loser.

My DP has much more about him than I can write in a post. When I said he was generous, yes I get flowers and he pays for an odd meal, I earn more than him so it's appreciated, but he's generous with his time more. Last year I had a major operation and was off work, couldn't drive, he was amazing. We also had a new kitchen fitted during my recovery, again he went above, and beyond emptying the kitchen, ripping up flooring. Sorting out meals etc.

He painted the outside of the house, he and my dad spent a whole weekend putting in a new fence and when I had some problems with my eldest son linked to a friends drug taking, he was there for me.

He was brought up by parents who thought little of the importance of education, he was brilliant at sport and a very good mathematician, but he was never encouraged to pursue anything. they divorced and at 18 his mum died leaving him to get on with it. That's where I think his emotional difficulties come from. I believe he needs counselling.

I do believe that a lot of men struggle emotionally. If you're with a man whose emotionally intelligent then you are very lucky. I think many men struggle to read a woman's emotional state.

I've not slept well and at all and have much to think about.