Help please think my marriage is over

[Rainbowcat1]

So confused my head is messed and just keep going round and round in circles...

Background- together for 18years, married for 10 with 2 primary aged children who adored their father.

This has been going on for the past 15 months. I realised I let things go with my husband we never argue, I make excuses for him e.g. no presents for birthdays etc because he works so hard, no support when I really needed it again because work always comes first. After the children, we didn’t have sex for over 6 years. Initially I was relieved as just constantly tired but then after awhile I couldn’t work out why he never came near me. My self esteem is so low even though I am a size 10 & try and make an effort with my appearance. However I think why would anyone want me if my own husband doesn’t.

So 15 months ago I felt like I woke up, I told him I can’t go on any longer like this and just asked him to do a few things like plan a night out for us, cook me a meal at home once the children were in bed, start to have sex again. All these things I thought were achievable. However, he just got the attitude well you are leaving me so what is the point?

Because of this we started Relate and went for 6 months. It turns out he is depressed and suffers from negative thoughts and that is why he can’t organise a night out, cook a meal, initiate sex etc. He is now receive treatment to help with his depression.

However, I just think I can’t go on any longer. I am so unhappy and spend most of time trying not to cry. I have finally found a part time job as I have been a SAHM since having the children. I just want to be with someone who wants to do things e.g. go out for a nice meal, organise a trip away, have sex with me.

I feel so guilty as I am the only one who is unhappy. He doesn’t want to end things. I can’t bear what it will do to my children but how do I continue. I have tried so many things and just feel exhausted both physically and mentally. I am not sure what i am asking but just needed to let it all out. On paper my life is wonderful no money worries, healthy children and he is a decent man overall e.g. would never cheat on me, hurt me, do drugs etc. But there is something major missing between us which makes me so sad. I just don’t know what to do?

OP your married life is incredibly similar to mine. I have decided I don't want to have any more regrets, they eat away at you. Once I have a grasp on our financial situation I am filing for divorce. I would rather have no relationship that stay in one so damaging to my self esteem.

AForest - sorry you are in the same position. I went to the citizen advice this morning to see where I stand financially. However, they weren’t any real help.

I feel the same about not having any more regrets - surely there is more to life that this?

However, I cannot help but think of my children. I know if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t still be here. My own parents are divorce so I know what is like and really don’t want to do the same to them.

Does your DH really want to work on the relationship or does he just want to put his head in the sand and continue on?
Is he saying he needs to sort his depression out first and then work on things - delaying and delaying for a better day for you that will never come?

I have known relationships like this and I sometimes wonder are the men just lying and actually have no desire for their partner anymore but because home is very comfy, they treat you as a mate, there would be hassle to arrange access with the DC, find somewhere to live, might be lonelier etc it is easier to stay put, put themselves first and not think about the misery they are causing their DW.

He is definitely a head in the sand kind of person. I told him he needs to sort himself out first. I can’t see how he can make me happy if he is miserable himself but may be I am being too easy on him.

I do still love him and I don’t want to hurt him. But I think it is now the wrong kind of love. I don’t fancy him anymore as I have spent the last 15 months trying to get him to have sex with me and now feel so rejected I don’t want him in that way anymore.

He said he fancies me and double takes sometimes as he can’t believe how lucky he is. However when it comes to the crunch he can’t do anything to show me how he feels.

Well done on getting a job - that might open up new interests and avenues.
I would try to " emotionally detach" do what you want to do, put yourself and the DC first and practice a lot of self care - using your energy for you.
Find out about your financials if you were to split - get all your info and "ducks in a row" this will make you feel more in control.
Cosset yourself - put the headphones in and watch TV/boxsets that you like in the evening in your own world, make food you want to eat, etc start delegating some of the mental load.

Have a read of "Should I stay or should I go" by Lundy Bancroft - might help with boundary setting and Depression Fallout by Anne Sheffield.

Do you think your DH will actually take the depression meds and engage with Therapy or will it be a "get out of jail free card" whenever you ask anything of him? Seems to be a strong possibility since the "negative thoughts" preclude him from having a meal out or cooking. These are very small things to ask of someone - even if they are depressed.

That is precisely what I told him I need to look after myself and the children. I haven’t,eat properly since Xmas and have started taking some tablets (just over the counter to help but they don’t seem to be working).

I haven’t read those books but did read ‘too good to leave, too bad to stay’ can’t remember who write it. This is exactly how if feel. I feel I should be grateful for my ‘nice’ life e.g. I don’t need to work, an spend money when I like, go to the gym etc however this doesn’t make up for how he makes me feel inside.

He is taking the tables, going to CBT and seeing a specialist. I have to go and meet the specialist as well. However I don’t feel strong enough to help him when I have my own conflicts going on.

Do I stick it out and see if he improves but I don’t know if I can ever get those feelings back now?

Do I stick it out and see if he improves - how long is a piece of string?
You are right your feelings may not come back and you may feel too much resentment about how long he let things drag on for before seeking help.

Get a plan in place, know all your financials and legal stuff. Don't feel you HAVE to make a final decision quickly - most people make plans and almost leave several times before they actually do it.

Would it help to speak to a therapist yourself - explore your feelings and set boundaries/plans? Work not to fall into depression yourself.

@Rainbowcat1 - so sorry you are feeling this way, it is tough I am feeling the same way. It is difficult because from the outside looking in everything looks ideal. Like you I am grateful for all the things I have particularly healthy dc but I miss the love of someone who see’s me as a woman not just a mother or wife or convenient domestic addition to everyone’s home life!

Kikashi - thanks for all your advice. I did have some separate counselling but since starting work I had to stop. Although really it wasn’t helping as although it gave me someone to talk to she didn’t really give me any advice - maybe I expecting too much?

Takemeiamalive - that is exactly it I want to be seen as a woman again. Sometimes I feel like I have 3 children. I just want him to do something for me & not the bloody washing up!