Reducing the impact of his behaviour

[tweedlezee]

Help hive mind. I split from my ex 4 years ago. We 2 DC, 6&7. My ex has never been easy. His muscle reflex when dealing with me is No! Also ‘this is unfair ‘. It’s been traumatic just getting to here and the trauma won’t let up. I left him because he was controlling so many aspect of our life. I had to contact the police because he was physically violent to me. I left, found a house, had very other weekend without the kids and one day a week. He meets his partner, he asks for 50/50 childcare. I grant it. He then decides he doesn’t have to pay child maintenance, I agree over time, it stops. He has a baby, I move a mile away (don’t want to bump into ex and baby, we were living in the same area) I also lived because he enjoyed driving past us on the way to school, if I had annoyed him he would swear at me, so moving reduced this. I got a new job and for the first two weeks we are open, he parks his van outside 3 times a week. I had to change my phones number as he began to bully me by text, calling me a c* for not delivering some lunch boxes to him when he demanded I did. Now he is demanding (from me, not the official channels) that I give him half my child benefits and child tax credits (yes, he should make his own claim with them and discuss his situation and tell THEM how unreasonable I’m being) Culminating in him calling me a fucking prick and telling me I was extorting money from him, on my doorstep in front of the kids on Saturday morning. I have contacted the police, they are referring me to some organisations which can help. But Mumsnet is such a lab amazing space that I thought I would see what the thoughts are.
I realise I can’t see him, I also need to go through a third party when discussing matters. Angbother advice on how to manage this as I’ve been trying and failing for 5 years to reduce his bullying and manipulation.

Speak to a solicitor
Don't agree to giving him any of the child benefit and tell him he has to pay maintenance for his children. Otherwise refer him to the child support agency.
Keep a record of all his harassment and refer to the police. Consider whether it really is in your children's best interest to have contact with him

Contact women’s aid. Go see a solicitor. Ask the solicitor to sort out mediation. You shouldn’t have to put up with this. His claim to benefits is not your problem. He can think what he likes but your benefits are yours and he doesn’t get to demand anything. What a prick.

Ok. Solicitor it is. I have spoken to the school and police. I’ve logged harassment to date via email. I am about to make the move of having the kids with me Monday - Friday and he can see them every other weekend and half the holidays. His behaviour is beginning to be witnessed by the children. I know I’ll be accused of taking his children away, but more than that I just want him to stop using them as a means to bully and control me. This year he has asked for money, told me how I should spend my money, refused to buy the children clothes and refuses to notify me of holiday/half term plans. All those things feel controlling.

Ask the solicitor about parental alienation because that is what he’s doing to you and these days the law takes a very dim view. If he is behaving like that to the children then they will likely take any and all access away from him. They won’t stand for it. It’s very bad for the kids psychology and their well-being comes 1st. Go see a family breakdown solicitor and speak to women’s aid. Get as much advice as you can. Good luck

If he has 50/50 care why should he pay maintenance and why do you get all the child benefit? Not sure about tax credits as it doesn't apply in Ireland.

Why are you keeping the children Mon-Fri and if he only has them every other weekend who has them when he doesn't?

Not trying to be difficult, just trying to get information before I make suggestions.

Sorry, were you married?

He doesn’t pay any maintenance. He could apply for child benefit split - but he won’t. He could contact a solicitor, but he won’t. What he will do is park outside my new job, turn up at my house unannounced, send lengthy bullying emails, and fail to buy his children clothes which fit. He will then actively tell the children they don’t have clothes at his house because of me. He has refused to collect them from school until 18 months ago. His partner collects the kids from school with their new child and provides childcare on the days he has them. And he swears in front of the kids at me when I tell him no

We were never married

Definitely talk to a solicitor so. No one should have to put up with harrassment and the money issues are sortable by him.

Don't think his partner picking up the children and providing childcare is legally a problem though and I don't see why it should stop mid week contact, if that's the only reason why you're stopping it.

No I agree, but what I disagree with is the continued harassment and the impact it is having on the ability to parent our children. Why the refusal to buy clothes when you’ve said you would pay for half of everything? Why is he now saying not only will he not do that, but that I have to give him money? Why if I am so difficult is he engineering time alone with me to insult me on my doorstep? And why after insulting me on my doorstep in Saturday would he spend Tuesday emailing me, texting me and calling me? And when he won’t buy his children clothes, why would he email me to tell me he is buying my 6&7 year old a mobile phone? I am happy for him to have 50/50 care, but he has to do 50% of the work. That includes contacting the child benefit office if he feels he is entitled to it. But he refuses anything official. We sat in mediation 3 years ago and he has gone against every agreement we made together. He would rather bully me into submission.

I don't disagree with you at all at all. However, as unfair as it is, for the sack of your children you're going to have to send clothes with them.

Don't answer the door to him or close it in his face??