do i tell or not?

[dodgynamechanger]

my principle has been to not keep any secrets from dh and so far i've managed.

i've just spent some time with my dh's db and his wife who live overseas. they're having marital problems. sil confided to me that she found out bil was having an emotional affair (it was long distance, so no physical contact). it's ended now, but she's very angry. bil doesn't know sil knows. she asked me afterwards not to tell dh as he thinks the world of bil and she wouldn't want to ruin their relationship. i agreed not to (against my better judgement). she was in tears and i felt very compromised.

so basically dh doesn't know the full extent of the problem, doesn't know what a sh*t bil is being, i've been dragged in and i don't know whether to tell him or not. i've decided not to so far, but i'm angry at having to keep this secret from him. i'm angry with sil for putting me in this position. she should have warned me before she told me. ultimately it's my mess though.

so, what to do?

Tricky one as she's asked you not to tell him. If you do tell him what would the repercussions be? Would he tell her you told him?

She shouldn't have asked you to lie to your dh for her, it's not up to her what you tell him. I know you agreed but I don't think you have to stand by it if it's affecting your marriage: you're not the one who had an affair so why should you keep secrets?

So in your position I'd tell my dh, definitely. She can't reveal something and THEN ask for conditions which are unfair.

I agree with WWW. I would tell my dh if I was in this position. It's a case of trust between you and that's really important - more so than trust between you and your SIL. Tell your dh that you want to tell him something that your SIL has told you not to and that he MUST be calm and sensible with the information otherwise he will put you in a mess with his family.

agree with ssu and WWW 100%

good luck with it

sounds to me like this poor woman really needed someone to talk to and support her, even thought the relationship was not a physical one she must still be hurting. she must have really trusted you to tell you this and if i was you i would try my hardest to keep it to myself, i think it would hurt her further if she found out that you had told dh, and it migh effect the elationship that your husband has with his brother, i agree that its not nice havin to keep this from your dh i would feel the same but i think in this situation it may be for the best.

If I agree to be told something having first been asked not to reveal it to dh, then I would stick with that. But to tell you something and then demand that you keep it a secret is unreasonable.

I would tell dh but warn sil that I had to do so to prevent damage to your own relationship.

I would tell Dh as we don't have secrets - if he respects you enough he wouldn't put you in a position where he would let on that he knows anything anyway.

Just to put the opposite side for the sake of argument though - it's not your secret, it's someone else's that THEY don't want him to know. You are not lying to him by not breaking someone else's confidence. Being honest about yourself is one thing, spilling your guts about other people is quite another.

Besides you've only got her word for it that it happened. You may be wrecking his relationship with his brother because she overreacted to something insignificant. He's not necessarily a sh*t for having had an emotional affair either - you've only heard one side.

In the end though, it's your choice, and a horrible position to be in, I agree.

i do feel for you if you and your husband have a very open relationship but in the spirit of sisterhood and compassion i suggest keeping schtum and letting them deal with their issues in their own time. i agree that sharing other peoples secrets is not your place and neither is injecting yourselves into their problems which is what will happen if you dh finds out. she must have been very upset and needed someone to talk to - who knows perhaps she is regretting it too so just leave it there. if she comes to you perpetually then i would say a quiet "look your putting me in a very difficult place, please stop" would be appropriate but not once when she was hurting. Just let them get on with it.

i do feel for you if you and your husband have a very open relationship but in the spirit of sisterhood and compassion i suggest keeping schtum and letting them deal with their issues in their own time. i agree that sharing other peoples secrets is not your place and neither is injecting yourselves into their problems which is what will happen if you dh finds out. she must have been very upset and needed someone to talk to - who knows perhaps she is regretting it too so just leave it there. if she comes to you perpetually then i would say a quiet "look your putting me in a very difficult place, please stop" would be appropriate but not once when she was hurting. Just let them get on with it.

you should speak with your SIl again and advise her to tell BIL that she knows. if she wishes to remain with him then it will help their relationship for it all to be out in the open.

the alternative is that she doesn't want to let him know she knows because she fears once it is out in the open he would feel able to leave and be with this other woman?

Explain that you dont keep secrets from your Dh and that you are unhappy at having to withold such information from him.

Your opinions of your BIl are irrelevant as are your Dh's. even if he is being an arse its not for you two to involve yourselves.

thanks all for your replies. they've been very helpful.

i spoke to dh this morning and said that sil had told me her side of the story, and afterwards had asked me to keep it confidential. we have agreed that i will not betray her trust, and that she can tell him when she wants to. so dh knows i know, but doesn't know any details.

we have both heard bil's side, and now knowing her side all the pieces fit into place. i have advised her to have it out with him, but she feels that she has power by having this information, and if she confronts him with it he will twist everything and she will have gotten nowhere. she is a different nationality and english is her second language. she feels she's tied up in knots whenever they argue because he's so good at twisting things and she can't articulate her thoughts when she's upset and angry. she wants him to come clean on his own and doesn't trust him until he does that.

so i don't really think there's much more i can do here. i'm certainly not going to tell him that she knows. hopefully they'll work things out.