What he said

[VigEvoWard]

My DP and I were talking today and he said out of the blue ‘I bet you’d be difficult to live with’

This really upset me because I thought we were moving towards the stage of moving in together (we’ve been together a long time). If he thinks I’d be difficult to live with, then he’s not on the same page as me is he?

I told him I was a bit hurt by that and asked why he thought I’d be difficult. The only thing he could come up with was that I don’t like mess and he is messy.

The thing is, I genuinely think he meant it - it seemed to come out of his mouth in an unguarded moment.

He’s just not into me is he?

Mmmm, not necessarily OP, perhaps he just meant it as an off the cuff remark, his reason for saying it seems reasonable, you are a tidy person, he's messy.....I'd want to know exactly if it was this though, or something else before I planned any future with him.

This really upset me because I thought we were moving towards the stage of moving in together (we’ve been together a long time)

Is this the real issue? Do you think or do you know? Or is this just wishful thinking?

Maybe not put the nicest way but, what he says is logical, if he’s messy & you're not. Straight away that may see like stress to him.

How long is a long time?
If he's messy, do you really want to live with him??

There seem to be layers to this.

Have you discussed wanting to move in with him? How long is long?

Living together takes compromise as we’re all different, maybe this is the start of a conversation about what both your compromises would be? (DP has made me a bit tidier and I’ve made him a bit messier...)

Just ask him if he ever sees himself living with you. He knows more about the situation than anyone on MN.

Can I ask why you want to move in with him? I know it's the conventional thing etc but I could quite honestly meet the love of my life tomorrow and NOT want to ever move in together.

Have tried it 3 times. Each time, I end up doing all the housework, rows start about who's turn it is to do the washing up, I go off sex due to the rows, relationship deteriorates... end of.

If HE is saying he is messy, be warned! You'll be picking up after him all the time.

Who cares if he is messy? I have lived with a woman who kept a spotless house and was a controlling nightmare, and my current partner keeps a fundamentally clean home, but with the odd cobweb here & there, dust on surfaces, etc. Guess what? I love the bones of her and she is a super person. I wouldn't change anything about her.

If you are looking for a perfect partner, be aware that you'll be at it for eternity. What you need to look for is someone who is perfect for you - the two are not the same.

Well if you don't like mess and he's messy, you will be difficult to live with, won't you?!

I thought we were heading in that direction. We have been together a couple of years.

His mess wouldn’t bother me. I make my own mess!

You’re right - I need to speak to him really.
Thanks.

Seems a good time to talk about where the relationship is headed. Best not to waste time if he's not thinking the same way.

It's normal to want to live with someone you've been in a long term relationship with.

Before I even got to the end of your post, I was thinking what reason would DP think I would be difficult to live with and I thought because I’m messy.

DP is ex military. If he is cooking for us at mine, he takes my pans out of the cupboards and limes them up in size order because he is that anal.

He would find it difficult me being messy. I would find it difficult him being so precise.

Doesn’t mean we wouldn’t live together. We just would have to be mindful of each other’s preferences.

I don’t think it means he isn’t on the same page as you.