Money and sex, the two big ones

[BlondeWrites]

My partner and I have been together nearly 7 years, we're both 28, we rent a flat that's owned by his family and have a dog we both adore. Mostly, it's a really lovely relationship, but we're struggling with a couple of things and I could do with some outside perspectives.

The first is sex - it's not happening much at the moment, as we work on completely opposite schedules (I'm in an office and with the commute I'm out of the house from 7am-7pm) and he's a musician so works mainly evenings and weekends. Rightly or wrongly, I feel like I have far less time than he does, so when we are at home together, sex is not the highest thing on my list of priorities.

I'm also currently on antidepressants (for anxiety), which I know are notorious for killing one's sex drive. We're still very physically affectionate and attracted to each other, but I know the lack of actual sex is getting him down.

The other aspect to this is that he's into some pretty niche stuff, which I feel quite nervous about exploring with him, but I do want to try. I think at the moment, for me, feeling 'in the mood' is such a struggle, that feeling in the mood to do more kinky stuff is a whole other thing entirely.

He's seen me through a horrific patch of anxiety, is incredibly kind and does a lot of the chores round the flat while I'm at work, and a lot of the dog care. When I'm around in the evening and at weekends, I try and do my fair share of cleaning, dog walking and stuff - hence the more romantic side of our relationship suffering.

The other issue is money, and the lack of it. I'm on OK money (not amazing, but it'll do for now), but obviously given what he does, his income really fluctuates. We don't have a bad life - we can afford the dog, after all - but we don't go out very much and we never go on holiday. Most of the time, I'm more than OK with this, but occasionally it would be nice to have a trip away to look forward to. Nothing extravagant, just a small break.

I'd also really like to get engaged - I'm in no hurry to plan a wedding right now, I'd just really like it to be on the horizon - but though we discuss it a lot, the answer from him is always "when I have more money".

We do really love each other, and have built a lovely life together.
If anyone has any thoughts or advice, I'd be so grateful. Sorry for how long this got!

Well first off, I'd not be doing anything kinky unless i was into it also, having mismatched libido's is a relationship killer so not sure how you resolve that one.

If you want to keep your relationship alive then that involves effort and putting some mystery and romance into it; that has to come from both of you and not just you, also, I don't think I'd be much impressed at his response, that you keep asking too, don't!

Also, so what if he cleans his own flat and looks after his own dog whilst you are at work, sorry but your relationship doesn't sound that great but he also needs to address it.

Sorry Blonde but have you really got a lovely life with this person at all?. It sounds to me like the power and control balance in this relationship is well in his favour with you financially subbing him out as well as his family of origin (in whose flat you both live). You met this man as well when you were very young and had no real life experience behind you either. Do you think that in some ways you have outgrown him and his musician lifestyle?. Its okay not to want that for your own self.

Did these discussions not take place before you moved in together?.

You've been together now 7 years and you are still not engaged; I actually doubt very much if an engagement will ever happen let alone a wedding. What's he waiting for; if he wants more money then he will have to find another career (which he will not).

Do you feel obligated to do more dog care and housework after you yourself come home from work?.

How has he at all made you feel more comfortable about what he wants to try out sexually?.

What's his response to you about no holidays or short breaks, is that the same as his answer re any engagement?. As a jobbing musician he is never going to have much money at all and you are subbing him as well as his family of origin.

When did your problems with anxiety start?. It may be that how you are feeling about this relationship generally could well be the root cause of your anxiety issues.

Hi Attila, thanks for your reply. I definitely should have said in my first post, he has never expected me to support him financially. We manage to split everything 50-50 - the difference in income shows up most with the extras - i.e. I have a bit of disposable income, whereas he doesn't really. If I earned dramatically more than him, I wouldn't have a problem paying for us both to do something nice, but I'm not at that point.

To be absolutely fair to him, he has tried to make me more comfortable about the sex stuff, and I know he's very wary of seeming like he's pressuring me. We are good at talking about everything and always have been, but I think you're right in the sense that I want to feel a bit more settled - or at least to feel like I'm heading that way - whereas the lifestyle that his career choice demands doesn't really help with things like saving for a deposit/wedding, etc.

I've suggested he picks up some extra part-time work to boost his earnings a bit, and he agreed it was a good idea, so that might be a good start.

And the anxiety pre-dates the partner, don't worry - he hasn't caused it!

I wouldn't consider marrying him at the moment. It sounds as though you're incompatible in many ways and in ways that will only get worse with time.

He's 28 and earning a small wage doing what he loves. But what about in ten years' time? Will he just be doing the same thing? It's unlikely you'd be able to afford to have children together and if you did, you'd be back working full time afterwards. Is that what you want?

You don't have much sex - that tends to get worse rather than better.

He has a niche sexual interest (dying to know what this is!) which you don't share - again, this is unlikely to get better.

You work days, he works evenings - do you really want this as a future?

He's happy coasting along. The sex stuff, honestly, it sounds like you're incompatible and you're trying to alter yourself to suit his desires. It sounds like your relationship has run its course because he's not in a position to meet your needs for more stability and commitment. He's not matured to that level at present. He's still living a gig life and you've moved past this.

You can't even go on holiday at the moment, this is down to him not earning enough money, you have suggested he gets another job but so far he hasn't, sorry OP, I'm sure he has a lot of nice traits but being financially responsible and wanting to actually ensure you are helped out as well as making himself look like a good catch, I'm just not seeing it. I wouldn't want to marry someone like that.

Why do you suffer anxiety, what does he do to help you?

Bottom line is that you’re not into the kinky stuff, there’s no reason for you to try it if you don’t want it, you have different libidos and he will never earn much money. These differences will never go away they will just get more pronounced over time.

Why do you want to get engaged when there are such significant issues?

I think what you’re really saying is that you’d like to be with someone you could get engaged to. I don’t think it’s this guy.

the answer from him is always "when I have more money".

In some ways this isn't a bad response. Getting engaged is a prelude to marriage...it doesnt sound like he's in a place (in his mind) to get married.

It just doesn't come across like he's ready for that level of commitment.

You are always going to be the one with a stable, reliable income...that can put a lot of pressure on the relationship for you.

You say you don't want to plan a wedding right now...but a drawn out protracted engagement is meaningless without serious intent to get married. You'll only become more frustrated as time goes on.

If he wanted to ger married...He could buy a ring for £100. It's the intention of wanting marriage...not spending loads on a ring.

I think the money thing is something you're going to have to make a decision on. It's sensible to assume his money is not going to change any time soon, at least no drastically. Ask yourself if his earnings were roughly the same as they are now for the next 5 years would you stay? 10 years?

As for the sex, you don't actually say you want to have more sex? But assuming you do you're going to have to actively find time for it... I've been there! I think most people have. If you wait until you're 'in the mood' you won't ever do it. You could try setting aside a 'date night' (which could actually be a 'date morning' or 'date early afternoon' at the weekend if his schedule doesn't allow for any evenings free). Schedule some quality time together to do something you both enjoy, get out of your normal routine, talk about things that are not money/bills/family, do a little kissing with no pressure and see where it takes you. If it takes you nowhere that's fine – definitely don't frame it as 'this is when we're going to DTD!' (unless that works for you!). The aim should be to enjoy each other's company and have fun.

Thanks everyone for your replies so far, lots of food for thought.

littledinosaurs - yes, I would like to have more sex, but I think the antidepressants are dulling my desires somewhat. We actually had a conversation last night that was v similar to what you said - i.e. making time during the day at weekends, and not necessarily to DTD but to have fun with each other. Just to kind of get back in the swing of things.

Sex can be a habit, and it is a habit that we neglect with quite devastating results. I like the fact that you are looking for ways to rekindle things. What about his kink? One poster here said that she definitely wouldn't try something if she didn't like it - that sounds like a child and sprouts. You have to try something, usually more than once, to decide whether you might like it. Why not give his kink a try?

Kinky sex is a bit like ice cream, in my opinion. Ordinary sex is vanilla ice cream, and lots of us like vanilla. Other flavours are available though, and you don't know whether you like them until you sample them. Even if you find a new flavour that you really enjoy, it is highly unlikely that you will never again eat vanilla. New flavours allow variety, and that is extremely valuable in a couple's sex life.

I am 61 and my partner of 15 years is 51: we have recently begun to explore bondage, and we are having immense fun. We do not tie her up at every opportunity, but at last once a week does wonders. She has recently been brave enough to have her nipples pierced, and she is so happy at my reaction. I would heatedly recommend embracing his kink - never know what might come of it.

I meant to say that I heartily recommend exploring his kink - not headtedly.

I also wonder about anti-depressants: they certainly messed up my libido when I took Prozac 20 years ago, so is there a way for you to explore other methods of treatment with your GP? GPs love prescribing anti-depressants, as most patients want to leave the surgery with a piece of paper, but there's a lot of research that says they are little better than a placebo. I know that we are all different, but I would never again take the things.

Op, I don't think he's doing anything wrong by talking to you about his sexual frustrations and preference, or for following a career he loves (given that you split expenses 50/50 and he does his fair share of chores).

But you do sound incompatible because his lifestyle is not well suited to settling down, raising children or taking on financial commitments.

If you were minded similarly then not of that would matter but you're not. Sooner or later your resentments will become unmanageable.

'I would heatedly recommend embracing his kink - never know what might come of it.'

I would never, ever expect my partner to 'embrace my kink' unless he wanted to because to do otherwise is coercive and disrespectful to his own likes and dislikes. Some kinks can be something the other party finds painful, for example. If that meant we were therefore incompatible, then the best option is to move on because who on Earth would find their kink enjoyable if they know their other half had to talk themselves into it .

' but there's a lot of research that says they are little better than a placebo. I know that we are all different, but I would never again take the things.'

Tosh! Research results on the whole suggest they have a very valuable role to play in people's mental health, and for many people their mental illness takes priority over their libido .

expatinscotland, please check out this link:
www.newscientist.com/article/2093239-if-antidepressants-dont-work-well-why-are-they-so-popular/

The New Scientist is well-respected and this piece is one of a large number that pop up when you google the effectiveness of anti-depressants. You have an opinion regarding these drugs, and that is fine, but if I had known then what I now know about SSRIs I would never have taken them. It is not about putting my libido ahead of my mental health; it goes much deeper than that.

As far as her man's kink is concerned, I reckon it is something she needs to face up to. She is hoping to get engaged to him, yet is not able to get involved in what is a significant part of his life. That does not sound terribly healthy to me to want to marry someone, yet deny an area of their wants exists. How long will the relationship last if that kink is never faced up to? Whatever people get up to without harming others is OK (if they are happy to do it both as individuals and a couple), and asking a partner to try to be involved in your sexual kink is neither coercive, nor disrespectful. It could be, but it doesn't have to be. If my partner had an area of her life, not necessarily sexual, in which I did not want to be involved despite her exhortations for me to try it, I would classify myself as selfish. Life is about growing, about accommodating other's wants and needs, and about achieving a compromise that keeps everyone happy. For example, I will go to the cinema and see a film that would not be my choice, because I know my partner wants to watch it and I will get enjoyment from her enjoyment. I cannot see what happens in a bedroom, or anywhere else, to be much different.

I don't need to, xpc, I've already read that and many, many, many other research study results that demonstrate that anti-depressants are far from a placebo effect in patients with depression, anxiety disorder, PTSD and even some symptoms of menopause. That is not an opinion, they're a fact, but if you were willing to forgo your psychiatrist's recommendations regarding your mental health, that is your lookout.

'and asking a partner to try to be involved in your sexual kink is neither coercive, nor disrespectful.'

No one said it was, but expecting the other party to 'embrace it' or participate in it when they don't want to is. And if you cannot see the difference between a visit to a cinema and sexually intimate practises, well, that says more about you than anything else.

Hello, just to give a bit of counterpoint to many of the messages. I married my love and have a child, another on the way, and he really has very little earning potential. It’s been hard at times but since we married, my career has really taken off and he’s enabled that by staying at home full time and keeping house with our daughter. It’s an amazing arrangement for us - we can live pretty comfortably from my salary, we don’t pay for childcare and I know my daughter is in the best possible hands.

The libido thing I wonder if you could talk to your doctor about it and whether you could adjust meds? I think many relationships would struggle if one person had a particularly low libido. Maybe he would be willing to do more during the week also so you don’t have to do chores at the weekend. When my husband became a SAHD it took a bit of time to find the right balance but I find that if the weekends can just be about fun life is so much better.

Good luck.

Just reading up through other messages. Personally I would be up for trying a kink with the understanding it’s only a trial. I don’t get how that’s coercive - just being game and giving. I wouldn’t take advice on meds from internet strangers either . But I would consider - is the life you want in 10 years at all possible without him earning more than he does now? Are you willing to sacrifice parts of that life for him?

with his parents owning the flat (which is great if they are supportive of the young man's budding music career) he will really never need to be driven and HAVE to earn more.
although you have old history together whereby he was supportive and helpful, i suggest you really be honest with yourself...is this relationship the real source of your anxiety?
kink to me is not a sign of a healthy relationship.

Op has already said her anxiety predates the relationship.