Confessed my affair, trying to move on

[Pixiemeat]

I'm probably going to get a savaging on here but I'm confused and in pain and I'm desperate for help. This is going to be long.

I have been with my husband for 8 years, 1 DS 4yo. Have had strong bouts of depression since childhood due to growing up with constant stress and anxiety (drug addict bullying parent). After a horrendous pregnancy and a gradual wearing away of my personal identity including the loss of my career due to having a child, my marriage started to become filled with frustration, lack of communication, resentment and detachment. I felt completely lost and numb and then suffered a huge bereavement which my husband didn't support me through or understand. Consequently I had an affair with a single man I worked with in another town to where I live for around 6 months last year. I felt "awake" and able to feel again for the first time in years. Though the guilt weighed heavy on me, the OM was my reason for getting out of bed in the morning. Which sounds dreadful as that reason should have been my son. Though I always knew OM wasn't right for me long-term due to fundamental differences, I became completely obsessed with him. He did have reservations about getting involved with me but was very lonely himself and allowed himself to get swept up in it all.
About 6 months in I ended things and left the job as the guilt and lies were eating away at me and I knew my husband and child deserved better.
Then my husband lost his job. It was very worrying at first but he received a decent payout so wasn't financially stressful and we began spending more time together at home. We reconnected and things got much better between us. Though I still held this horrible secret and was still having sporadic contact with OM that usually ended in an argument. Then after a few months OM got a new partner and it absolutely knocked me for six. The pain was immense. The jealousy, the feelings of rejection. I have since stopped all contact.

Then I told my husband about the affair.

He reacted with kindness, empathy and compassion. Understood our marriage was such a broken and lonely one that it could have been either of us that seeked comfort elsewhere. He has been a tower of strength. We have had marriage counselling and we are healing. The problem is I still feel obsessed with OM. I feel bitter and jealous and somehow rejected/replaced despite knowing he's not really what I want. I've been practically stalking his new partner on social media and can't seem to tear myself away. It's making me feel ill and also like I'm right back to keeping secrets from DH again.

Has anyone else been through similar? I have a counsellor and we're working through it but other than that one hour a week when I see her I'm struggling and hate myself and just want to erase OM from my mind and move on.

You'll probably get flamed on here, but you have my sympathy. I honestly think that time is the only healer for this, but I know that's not what you want to hear. You sound like you're doing all the right things tbh & have support from your DH. I wondered if you have other outlets for your emotions eg exercise, opportunities to let off steam?

You need to keep reminding yourself how lucky you are that you were given the gift of reconciliation by your DH. Many a man would have ended the marriage and been done.

Also try and imagine how you'd feel if the shoe was on the other foot...that your H had an affair and continued to be obsessed with the OW.

Why are you torturing yourself?

The grass is greener where you water it

I also wondered if you are on ADs for your depression? I think it's more common than people imagine for women to feel frustrated & lonely after marriage and kids, and to want to feel 'awake' again as you put it. I've definitely felt the same & even knowing that it's just a classic mid life crisis doesn't take away how strong the feelings are.

I am on antidepressants. I have been for years. My doctor uggestef changing them to a different type but they keep my OCD at bay and I'm scared to switch in case it comes back. Though having written that down I suppose my feeling towards OM and his GF could be OCD symptoms in itself.

My DH has been compassion personified. I am so grateful to him and I've remembered that his emotional intelligence was one of the things that most attracted me to him in the first place. He really is my best friend and I know I'm lucky. We just lost our way and in a fog of depression I made some terrible selfish choices.

Maybe I'm punishing myself because he isn't, iyswim

He reacted with kindness, empathy and compassion. Understood our marriage was such a broken and lonely one that it could have been either of us that seeked comfort elsewhere|

I'd be very grateful about that OP, what you did was awful, you felt that guilty you carried it on for six months and then after still had sporadic contact with him, it's not your depression that did all that OP, you did that of your own volition so quit with the woe is me, you were not that down it didn't stop you shagging another man for six months.

Sorry but I don't think you should be with either man, can you not just be on your own, concentrate on getting better and loving your child, all this affair business has probably not helped you become you, but, only you can change things.

Thanks for all responses. I don't mean to pin it all on depression like it was some separate entity that made the choices for me. I made the choices. And I've tried my hardest to make amends and take responsibility. But it is relevant, it made me numb and selfish. I can't go back and change the past. All I can do is try to make things better going forward.

people make mistakes. well done for admitting yours and working through things with your partner.
speak to your doctor about your meds...and keep taking it one step at a time. perhaps discuss with your counsellor about telling your OH about your on-going obsession with OM. it seems to me that by being honest about it, it may help to resolve it, but be guided by the expert!

I am sorry for the situation you are in. I can sort of understand as I am a chronic depression who has used external things to distract me - and I am sure that it what you are doing.

However I take issue with one things you said 'Consequently I had an affair '...... An affair isn't a consequence of any of the things you mention. It's a choice you made. It's vital at this point to take responsibility for your actions. Truly understanding that I and I alone am the author of my actions has really helped me with my illness. Being a hapless victim caught up by outside forces is a very disempowering thing to be.

Turn your attention from OM and his new partner - look at YOU - don't let them distract you from what matters - you and your life and your health. Your DH is being supportive and loving - don't throw that away, use it to build yourself back up. The biggest reward your DH can get is to see you healthy, happier and back in the marriage,.

Good luck x

Thank you

Treat it like any other addiction you need to get over. Delete social media apps from your phone and make it as hard as possible to check on either OM or his new partner. Have a plan in place for when you get the urge to look them up. You need to break the habit and once you've done that, you'll find it easier to forget about them.

Thanks Caffeine. That is how I'm going to try to approach it

You need to realise how amazing your husband is and appreciate him and what you two have.

I was just about to suggest deleting your social media accounts too, or at least from your phone

You HAVE to come off social media. It will lead you to madness. You are torturing yourself by looking. Just stop. Let them get on with it. It is their life, not yours. Concentrate on your own relationship and making it work. Put the past behind you and move forward.

How long has your DH known? A few months at a guess from your OP. Although he has been compasionate and kind about your affair you need to realise this may not last, especially if you are still directing your focus on OM. Your DH will being going through all kinds of emotions, and at the start relief is usally one of them. Relief that the affair is over. The problem is that unless he is very unusual anger and resentment are likely to kick in at some point. Reconciliation is very hard for the betrayed partner. Things tend to get worse before they get better.

With that in mind try to take the focus of yourself and OM and put it on your DH. There is a very real risk that you will still lose him.

I think that your childhood, and having an unavailable parent is triggering this’obession’. I’m in therapy for a very similar situation. Stick with your husband. He sounds amazing x

Backtoblack - this is exactly what I'm working on with my therapist. It's been a recurring theme throughout my life.

Perhaps it might help to turn the tables a bit in your mind
You’re obsessing about him having a new relationship and getting on with his life.
But that’s what you decided you wanted to do to.
He has been an adult and realised that you wanted to get on with your life, that you couldn’t be together and that he had to move on. It wouldn’t really be fair, if you got to do all the moving on, having a great understanding husband and he stays stuck in a shit life because it’s hard for you to handle!?
Perhaps he feels shit that you quit your job and went nc. You don’t mention what you ended up arguing about, but if it was you going back to your dh then you’re being incredibly unfair to the om, who deserves a life just as much as you do
Just let him go

Hunting - I know the feelings are irrational and unfair. Your post helps. I just need advice on how to move on.