How long is the ex going to play god

[Davidgrohl]

I've been with my partner for over 2 years.hes a son who's 8.we played it cool and after 6 months I got introduced to her as his dad's friend and in time my son also got introduced into the situation and we had wonderful family days out all of us together etc with both our children getting on and no hassles.anyway my parents sons mum has suddenly decided that me and my son can't see his son anymore.no warning nothing.my partner said to his sons mother that's not right etc.the next time he went to collect his son and we had arranged a full day of activities for my child and his.his son has turned round n said he hates me and my son.my partner knows that's not his son talking and that's the mother as he questioned everything like have they ever said anything wrong too u etc and there is no reason he is saying it.my partner thinks he's doing the right thing by keeping his son away from me and my son now even though he knows his son is being manipulated.the problem being is my son is missing my partner's son as we became a little family unit. I'm clearly upset as I love his son too but what frustrates me is I've asked him to have a quiet word with his sons mother and say I know what your game is and u won't break us apart.but he is just continuing with saying nothing and having his son alone ever visit and please don't think I'm wrong as we had an arrangement that every weekend he had him one weekend would be just them two and the other we would spend together. I know a million per cent she doesn't want him back she's really married and just had a baby with her new husband and btw she left my partner when there son was one to be with her husband. I'm just struggling as I'm actually missing his son and so is my son but my partner just says let's wait till his son realises the truth but he's only 9 now.is it going to be like this the next 17 yrs when he comes home after seeing him and lying to my son that he was working as my son would be upset that he couldn't see him.its the mother playing god with a child's life.theres so much more to it but I'm trying to be brief x

I know that you’re upset but I think you are over reacting. It’s not imperative that your son and his son see each other or have a relationship. They aren’t related. I’m not sure why you are making such a massive deal of it and getting so upset. You aren’t married to this man. Can’t you just enjoy the times you spend together. You don’t have to be involved with his son. By getting upset and making a thing of it you are just causing problems and pushing a wedge between you. Just be cool. He sees his son and spends time with him alone and then when his son is at his mums you guys spend time together. It also gives you the chance to spend time together with your son alone. Honestly, you’re coming across as being a bit needy, over emotional and dramatic.

my partner knows that's not his son talking

even though he knows his son is being manipulated.

No he doesn't. He doesn't know anything of the sort and neither do you. Stop assuming that a child of nine in this sort of situation doesn't know his own mind and cannot articulate how he feels.

It might suit you both to think he's being manipulated by his mother, because it's in both your interests to insist that everyone gets along swimmingly so your DP doesn't have to split his time between his son and you.

But honestly, it soundest me as though he has spoken to his child at length and does accept that this comes from him. I think he's telling you what you want to hear to keep the peace and to spare your feelings, while accepting privately that his child is feeling unsettled and needs more one to one time with him.

There could be several things going on here.

His mother has just had a baby and he may be feeling a bit pushed out at home, however unintentionally. He's exerting some control the only way he knows how.

Perhaps he just doesn't like your son much and resents being forced into a brotherly friendship with him if he finds him annoying? This sounds likely if there were no issues previously with spending time with just you and his father.

It's also possible that he is struggling to deal with feelings of jealousy having to watch his dad interact with your son, especially if your partner now lives with you and your son. If your son is all over your DP, competing for his attention and calling him Dad that would be very hard for his son to see, and deal with emotionally. I don't know if that is happening but if it is, then you can bet his son is hurting over that.

Of course I expect you to refute that any of this is happening, but this isn't a matter of truth or lie, right or wrong, it's one of perception. If it's his son's perception of what is happening then he deserves to have his feelings acknowledged and respected.

I think you need be patient and not push it. I for one am glad that your partner is putting his child's feelings first and he will tell you when the time is right to reintroduce the idea of that 'little family unit' you obviously crave.

Perhaps he just doesn't like your son much and resents being forced into a brotherly friendship with him if he finds him annoying?

I'm not casting aspersions on your son, by the way, it's just the way things go sometimes. I made a mistake of assuming that my dd would get along with my friend's perfectly lovely child, but she just didn't like him at all and there was nothing I could do about it.

Does your son not have other children he can see and spend time with?

I've asked him to have a quiet word with his sons mother and say I know what your game is and u won't break us apart.but he is just continuing with saying nothing

That's because he doesn't think she is trying to break you apart. It's you that thinks that, not him. If he felt she had an agenda he'd have challenged her himself before now. You are coming across as a bit pushy and insecure to be honest.

we had an arrangement that every weekend he had him one weekend would be just them two and the other we would spend together.

So your partner has always kept sensible boundaries for his son's sake, taken things slowly and divided his time sensibly and fairly. He sounds like a great dad. And now he's decided to backpedal a bit. This might be entirely motivated by his son's feelings but I have a hunch it may also be motivated by wanting you to back off and slow down a bit. I imagine he's not quite as keen on establishing this 'little family unit' as you are.

I know a million per cent she doesn't want him back she's really married and just had a baby with her new husband and btw she left my partner when there son was one to be with her husband.

And yet you are convinced she has an agenda to break you up. Can't you see it doesn't make sense? What does she have to gain? Nothing.

I think there maybe slightly more to this tbh. Did the mother originally have a problem with you meeting her ds? Problems like this usually begin at the starting point of the relationship - like when your dp mentioned to his ex he is in a new relationship, if she had a problem she would most likely say there and then ' well she's not meeting our son anytime soon' etc etc....

Or when your do felt it was the right time to meet you, the ex would of said something about it then if she wasn't happy.

For you to have had lots meetings....and the ex had absolutely no problem with this, I'd be slightly wary that maybe there is something going on but not necessarily from the ex. Maybe it's just all too much for the son? Maybe he wants just time with this dad on a one to one? Does he get that?

It's sooooo important in new relationships the the dcs have time with their actual parent. You don't have to spend every weekend together. You and dp need to remember that this is all still very new and for your dcs....it can get to much.

Also I'm guessing your child lives with you so will get that one on one time. But dps ds I'm guessing lives with his mum? Therefore won't see his dad as much.

I could be way off here but from my experience, ex's who are going to make things difficult do it from the start.

Sorry I've just read the every other weekend part. In that case, I'd see it as your dps son just really loves the weekends with just him and his dad. He weekends he is due to spend with you, he maybe just finds to much and then he probably will go home and speak to his mum about it which he has every right too.

I know I always ask my dcs about their weekends with their dad and his partner. Not to be nosey, just to ask if they've enjoyed it. And I can always pick up on it when they haven't.

I'd say, when dps ds is ready, and dp is too, go to the park. Meet there for an hour and go your separate ways. Build it up. No more massive days out as that's just too much to begin with. Just an hour here and there is probs the best way to go when your dp and his ds are ready. I really feel for your dp as he must be in a really tricky situation. You need to support him through it as he sounds like a great dad. Good luck x

It seems strange that all was well for 18 months of the boys knowing each other and now this.

It could be because his son has a new baby sibling and isn't the centre of attention at mum's house. Then he isn't getting enough one on one time with his dad and is reacting to all these things combined.

He needs more attention from his dad...because as you know...new babies take up a lot of time. His step dad now has his own child and based on how many stepmums here on MN change towards their step child when they have their own.. the poor boy may be feeling pushed out and perhaps even feel rejected by stepdad.