My marriage is a sham

[balloonsforthetrade]

The basic facts of our situation - I have been with my husband for 11 years, married for 8. We have three DC - 6, 4 and 2. Our eldest DC has complex SN. I have a degenerative health condition.

From an outside perspective my husband is a saint. He works long hours, does all the DIY, is very hands on with the DC, very understanding of my deteriorating health, active in the community, very well respected professionally and personally, does his fair share of household tasks, church going God fearing all-round good guy.

But reality is that he is a liar and a cheat. He doesn't have a faithful bone in his body. From messaging escorts regularly to dating sites to, more recently, talking to women on Tinder looking for NSA sex. He's done it all. An overachiever in the cheating scumbag department! Over the years I've stopped crying. I've stopped expecting that one day I'll be enough. I've stopped looking to see what he's been up to. I've stopped being angry. He isn't going to change.

But I'm trapped. My health means that I would struggle to manage a household on my own. My eldest DC needs a lot of care and whilst he does attend school, out with that he is a handful on his own. Throw in two younger siblings and it's just not manageable. I don't have any family help - my parents live hundreds of miles away and are elderly and unwell themselves. I don't have siblings or any other family. Social services have been absolutely useless in supporting us so far so I don't expect that to change if I were on my own!

We own our house but only have £30k in equity. With £15k I couldn't afford to buy, cost of rent here - near to my DC's specialist school - are higher than what I would qualify for in housing benefit if I could even find a suitable house to begin with that would accept HB.

I'm trapped. I cannot leave, I cannot ask him to leave because I need his financial and practical help. And he knows it. What can I do?

A few thoughts.

First I would say, your parents may be elderly and unwell, but don’t write them off for that reason. If your parents care about you they will jump at any chance to help you. Anything, even if it’s only to talk.

If they don’t care about you, or you have never got on, that won’t apply.

Alternatively, is there any friend you can talk to in confidence, to help you talk through what’s happening, or think about your options. I just think you need someone in real life to speak to. Maybe a counsellor, if you can access one. You might begin to see some possibilities that you hadn’t considered, or at least begin to get some relief from keeping all this appalling deceit to yourself.

What would happen if he ended the relationship? Could you move away?

Citizens advise maybe?
Also, talk to your dc's school regarding catchment for special bus service to the school. You might be able to move further than you think.
Would you manage a joint custody arrangement or are you unable to look after the dc's alone? I doubt social services would be interested while you are living with an able bodied person- would moving out change things from ss perspective?
Or..
Could you agree to co-parent for now? End the relationship and any expectation of a commitment (the coward has done this anyway).

Actually I would speak to the vicar/minister/priest ask for their help/counsel. Even if they say twee stuff your H secrets will no longer be secret.

WHat would happen if your dh dropped dead tomorrow.
Sorry, perhaps not a nice thought, but would you cope? You would have to, and you would
You need some practical advice from a solicitor, you may be able to stay in the house, you might be finaciallly ok with him gone and you receiving maintenance

Or could you even discuss living together but no longer as a couple

And I genuinely hope you’re not still having sex with him, as far as he’s concerned he’s got it all wrapped up because he thinks you’re powerless. Think about how that must make you feel.

We're definitely not having sex. Our youngest DC was conceived during a time when I was trying to convince myself that if I only played the dutiful wife he wouldn't stray Before that it had been at least a year and nothing since, thank goodness. I have most definitely seen the light there! (And been tested, sigh.)

Unfortunately my parents are of no practical help. They can't cope with the younger DC for more than an hour and that's with us there. They love them and me but it's just too much for them now. Telling them how awful my reality is would break their hearts

The school catchment is tricky as the school is in the city and cheaper housing is in the shire. If we moved to the shire we wouldn't qualify for his extremely oversubscribed school and he would lose his precious place. He also wouldn't cope with school transport, we have tried.

If he dropped down dead tomorrow... Well, I'd come in to quite a bit of money. Between his death in service payment, pension funds and life insurance my problems would be solved. I'd have enough money to pay off the mortgage and play for practical help.

We're not really a couple. We share a bed because it's practical, nothing romantic. There is no intimacy or real affection.

I shall look in to seeing a solicitor, thank you. Maybe they can see something I'm missing.

I feel so sorry for you. What a horrible way to live. Have you tried to get any advice as to what financial support you may be entitled to. Try the CAB or a women’s aid. Do you have a good friend you could confide in? If you are in the Milton Keynes area I’d meet up to offer a shoulder to cry on.

I think you should consult a lawyer regardless.

If you don't mind disclosing, what is your degenerative condition?

I would also consider talking to the Church priest or head. If for nothing, then for guidance, presuming you're all generally a church-going type of family.

Personally...I'd declare the marriage officially open on both sides and at least have some hope of finding a better man and leaving him.

This is outing, but late last year I was diagnosed with MS. I'm only in my thirties, so it was a huge blow.

I will think about talking to the priest. He's not very approachable but if I don't try. Not sure how my husband would react. I assume he'd do the whole "I'm so sorry, I'll never do it again, I've made mistakes, you vowed to stay with me through better or worse" BS and turn it around on me, so I have to be strong enough to (metaphorically) shout him down.

I've made an appointment with the CAB next week. Thank you for the suggestion. I haven't had a chance to call solicitors today as my eldest is home sick from school but hopefully I'll get some peace if not tomorrow than Monday to do that too.

I don't have any interest in pursuing another relationship. This one has screwed me over enough. My illness doesn't make me a great catch, so no man would ever be interested anyway! Add in three kids and it's just never going to happen.

Thank you for listening to me. Writing it all out has lifted a weight I didn't know I was carrying. It's not my secret anymore.

Your situation isn't easy, but there will be a way out and a way forward for you. He sounds like a genuinely horrible person.

One thing for men, and particularly for men who value their image as a 'pillar of the community', is that they'd rather act like total arseholes in private and maintain the public image, than expose themselves to the shame of 'abandoning their wife and kids'.

Might it be the case if you sit down with him, tell him you feel the marriage is over, and that you're not interested in publicly casting him as the bad guy (even though he clearly is), and presenting it to all as a mutual decision, he might be amenable to an amicable split?

I'm thinking as well, with your condition, he'll be doubly aware of how bad it would look to leave you. If you make it clear it's your choice, and he needn't be cast as the one doing the 'abandoning', might he be on board with a split?

Just to be clear, I think he sounds like a piece of work, and undeserving of any saved reputation. But clearly his public reputation is important to him. You might be able to use that as an incentive to get him to play ball.