Struggling after being ghosted

[TheTRex]

I know this is completely pathetic and well prepared to be told so and I apologise in advance for the pointless ramble. It really does just help to write things down and get some perspective.

Came out of an abusive relationship about 6 months ago, and have been harassed right up until about 2 months ago by said ex. I got talking to someone who I met when I was younger and decided to try the dating world. We went on a date. I've had my fair share of dates with men who just want one thing in the past, and this really didn't feel like one of them. The signs were all there. He was so lovely and caring towards me. We didn't sleep together and he didn't even try to. He was keen to spend as long with me as possible, and after dropping me off he was texting me pretty much straight away, and for the next week we were chatting. And now poof. Out of nowhere.

I didn't expect to feel this way. I'm taking it really hard. I know these things happen, I know it's common, but it's really knocked me for six to be perfectly honest.

I feel angry with myself as I prepared myself, when he initially asked me out, for the date not to even happen, but then the date went ahead. After the date, I prepared myself for him to go quiet, but he didn't. So I finally let myself get excited. What's more, his last message to me is a very long one, telling me stories, asking me questions that he didn't NEED to do if he was just being polite. Why did he do that and invite conversation and response if he wasn't interested?!

I do wonder if this is less about him and more about the relationship I've come out of. I never had counselling despite being offered as they needed me to attend set days, which I wasn't able to do because of my work. I was punished by ex with the silent treatment whenever he felt I did something wrong. So I am completely over analysing everything I said or did, and I have now convinced myself it was all my fault.

My ex also told me when harassing me that the reason he treated me the way he did is because he cares and loves me so much and other men will pretend to care but really they dont. This guy was so caring towards me but then dropped me so easily without a care in the world, that now those words are echoing.

It's left me feeling completely worthless. I feel like he had so much opportunity to leave it where no confrontation would have been required ie, not asking me to go onto a bar afterwards, not texting me 2 minutes after dropping me off starting a new conversation, not sending long texts asking me questions.

I know what everyone will say. It was only a date. It's life. It happens. I shouldn't take it personally. And they are completely right, but I just can't shake how I feel. I just want to make sense of it all and I can't. I guess I'm just posting to see if anyone else can understand!

I feel for you, OP. It's an awful feeling being ignored. It's bloody excruciating.

I've had it happen to me several times in the last few years, in one form or another. Like you, I'm also wondering if it is me. Or if I'm just bloody unlucky to keep coming across arseholes like this.

My abusive ex used to make out his abusive tactics were because he cared. It's bullshit and never let those silly words echo.
If someone cares about you they wouldn't want you to hurt - he did hurt.
If they care, your tears upset them - didn't seem to upset him.

PLEASE do not use the dysfunctional relationship as anything to do with your future endeavours except for what to avoid.

Quite possibly this guy has met someone else who he may have fallen for. Maybe even was intimidated by your ex (possibility?).

I always take things head on, I personally would just message him something like:

'Hey, I understand things don't always work out, but I was just wondering why you've gone so quiet lately. Don't worry, I won't take any offence to anything, I would just like to know for closure'. However, I'm quite ballsy in these sort of situations.

I definitely think not getting closure will harm your thoughts like they are already starting to! Plus, you might find out he's had a family emergency or his intentions were not in line with yours.

It's so hard isn't it djnoun. I just cannot make sense of it and it does make me doubt myself as if he messaged instantly after the date, it can't have just been a chemistry thing?

I know you're right downandout and thank you. It's just so hard to think logically when all other logic doesn't seem to stand up. I'm normally quite ballsy myself but on this occasion I just don't think I can be. I have no confidence after my ex. I do need that closure but I'm not sure that someone who has ghosted would particularly care much about my feelings so I really don't think I would get it if I asked, I can't see him being honest! Also the bitter part of me doesn't want to give him the satisfaction!!

Sweetheart, please accept this in the right way, but you’re not ready for a relationship just yet.

You still have fear and adrenaline in your system, you’ll be giving off the wrong vibe and it’ll be like a beacon to other twats.

Please take the time to spend quality time with yourself, learn about your strengths and above all else learn to be kind and protective of yourself.

I’ve been there, 9 years ago. I’m light years away from where I was

It takes a couple of years to fully recover from abuse, and it’s a lot of work, but OMG it’s worth it!

Maybe he just didn't feel a spark and was too coward to say? Was it just the one date?

Just chalk it up to him having no fucking manners, remind yourself you’re worth better and don’t ever settle for this shit again

This has happened to me a couple of times when I tried OLD after breaking up from a long relationship last year.
I really took it to heart at first. I used to try and figure out what I said wrong, what I did wrong, what could have possibly happened.
Then I realised that its usually either a) they are all talk and no action and don't have the balls to see things through or b) they are talking to other women too and have just hooked up with one of them instead.
Its not you, its them.
I agree maybe you're not quite ready yet. Don't be dis-heartened but it does start to lower your expectations.

I think you are projecting all your heartbreak and hurt and feelings of self worthlessness from your previous abusive relationship onto this one. That's what I think anyway. Like delayed reaction

Because Anonagain is right. The ghosting will be because of something that's happening in his life, not because of anything you've said or done

Thanks everyone, I'm pretty sure you are all right and I am not ready, and I will be focusing on me now. This situation has definitely highlighted that to me. The constant fear and panic that I might say the wrong thing and the very low self esteem causing me to feel worthless really need resolving before I can consider dating again. I think I had repressed all feelings regarding my ex in the last 6 months and now, like you say bitoutofpractice, I am projecting.

I have had a good think and I sort of feel like it's had an opposite effect than I expected. Rather than not trusting men, I almost feel like any man should be a nice person because they are not my ex, and this attitude is likely to have me end up in another terrible relationship. But is more than likely why I'm feeling so disappointed.

ThisLittleKitty - of course that did occur to me. Thing is though, if that was the case he has led me on a right merry dance. No spark and too coward to say? Fine. No need to be messaging instantly after parting ways and constantly initiating new conversations with long enthusiastic messages for well over a week.

I am thinking to get back in touch with the people who offered me counselling. They said they could only do set days but in the circumstances maybe I could talk to work and give it a try. This is obviously more complex than I thought it was.

I think that sounds like a good idea. I hope work are accommodating - like they would be for a medical appointment?

Some blokes on OLD are complete arseholes. A LOT of them are single for VERY GOOD REASON!

If you want evidence of this, spending more than 30seconds on Relationships and see what some women do put up with (for whatever reason and I know it's not that straightforward etc etc) but if someone has drawn a line to the point where they have ended a relationship, there is likely to be a good solid reason.

I also think that a lot of men think OLD is a chance to behave like shit and they go at OLD like a kid in a sweetshop.

His vanishing is nothing to do with you per se, it's about him. He's found a shag or something.

What this teaches you (and there is no short cut to this, OR to healing from abuse in general) is that YOU are worth better than this.

So if a guy goes silent on you, punishes you for some perceived wrong, treats you with anything less than kindness, consideration and respect, then he is NOT worth a moment of your time.

I appreciate that at this stage you can't identify with this way of thinking, and even I struggle on some days, but this is what you are aiming for and its what you can not negotiate on.

There will be some hard decisions to make along the way, some people that you like the idea of who won't make the cut. Some of them will be very keen to tell you that you are wrong, but it's what they DO, not what they say.

The constant fear and panic that I might say the wrong thing
God I remember this. I became agoraphobic due to this kind of thinking, I was terrified of life, of being 'found out' Irrational I know, but that's a phobia for you You can't be in a relationship when you feel like this, the only way to not feel like this is to take the time to be kind to yourself and be in a relationship with yourself until you start to feel more at home with yourself. To start with I became a Fortress, kept everyone out and away and dealt with my own issues with the ex and worst with my family. Eventually you feel stong enough to widen the circle of trust around you, and the Fortress defences are lowered.

When the poison of abuse leaves your system, you will feel stronger, this, in turn, gives off a stronger energy, one that doesn't appeal to men who would try to control.

I'm very sensitive to emotional blackmail and mind trips. I don't tolerate them at all.

Although nowadays in my relationship I don't have to. I love the sweetest man in the world and he absolutely adores me

Invest in you. You are more than worth it, you deserve it.
Counselling is a great idea, move heaven and earth to get it and it will help a bit. this is the start of the journey back to you. It gets easier. I promise.

Just to be sure, is he still alive? Maybe something happened to him.

can he get in touch any other way? what if his phone was stolen/lost? it is quite unusual to be full on and messaging a LOT, then suddenly disappearing.

sadly it’s not at all unusual.

In any event IF something had happened to him, there are others in his life to help him that have known him more than a week or 2.

Met someone else- no it's not at all uncommon from personal experience to be ghosted even from guys who try to connect with you in RL who happen to find out you are newly single

Thanks so much hissy, I've read what you've written over and over and it really means a lot. It's easier said than done but it's definitely what I need to be aiming for from now on! I'm glad you got through it and you've met someone  it's a really difficult phobia that I haven't realised I had until now. The first day I didn't hear from him, I was panicking it was because I'd been out with friends the night before and was tagged in some stuff with male friends. That would've definitely had my ex ignoring me! Obviously the logical head in me knows that most people, especially after one date, wouldn't ignore someone over that, so it's unlikely to be the reason (and if it were I am definitely better off!) but the fear in me just causes me to panic. Now I'm just thinking of any conversation we had over and over again and wondering if I'd said something wrong.

We are friends on social media from when I knew him previously, so there are other methods.

I have an appointment with my doctor this morning to talk about how down I've been etc so fingers crossed I might get some sort of help to deal with my past.

You still have fear and adrenaline in your system, you’ll be giving off the wrong vibe and it’ll be like a beacon to other twats.*

What hissy said here is so very true. It's not your fault, it's that arsehole who abused you. You must take time out for yourself for a bit and enjoy who YOU are

Never forget that a lot of men do not like women. No manners, no respect. You just have to get to a point where you can sift out these people. You can never guarantee it won’t happen again though

What people who ghost dont appreciate is how it unsettles the other person's view of what normal is. Especially when that person is naturally anxious. You think as an adult you can expect maturity and respect and kindness. Even a simple, "this isnt working out" by text is better than just disappearing. When they do that, you dont feel safe trusting your own judgement and that is just shit. This is about them and their lack of manners, not about you. Please dont wonder and worry why it happened. Take this opportunity to build yourself up. Do things you love and surround yourself with people who you know care about you.

Hello there TheTRex ! First, you are doing well, in fact you have taken your first baby steps towards recovery by sharing on this platform and admitting that you feel awful. It is not pathetic of you at all, neither is it a pointless ramble. I applaud your honesty.

Now, let me try to hold your hand towards healing.

I think it's possible you connected with this guy on some frequencies but not all. His being loving and caring struck a cord with you, as well as good conversation. I have a feeling, however, that you were probably a very good friend as far as he could see. No doubt, he enjoyed your company and conversations; but probably, he couldn't see a full fledged romantic relationship.
I was in a similar situation myself, a while back, with a very lovely woman, who, despite her good company, long phone conversations, her caring and sensitive nature, I was not sexually attracted to her, and it troubled me a lot, as she was looking for something more than friendship. As far as she was concerned, we 'clicked' and had a 'connection'. But on my side, I was really finding the going tricky and wondered how to end things before things could escalate from the dating stage to full blown relationship. Fun enough, someone actually suggested to me that I should just ghost her, as I was really scared of telling her that despite the 'connection' , things could never work between us.
In my case, in the end I garnered enough courage to tell and 'break' things off decently - though it was hard. Otherwise, I'd have wasted her time and dragged things along when I knew it was never going to work.
Do not therefore, read too much into what he did, or said or this or that question. Men are strange creatures - and many women have been dragged along a merry go round - sometimes into marriage - by guys who deep down knew it could never work. Why do they do that? A vile mixture of cowardice and hypocrisy and confusion and selfishness!!! That's what devils are made of!

In your case, however, I fear your need to heal completely from the abusive relationship you suffered before the ghosting fellow showed up. Be thou strengthened and have your self esteem restored. In other words, lets build up your emotional immune system first, by a good emotional diet full of emotional and mental vitamins and other good nutrients.
You are vulnerable at the moment - and yes, disappointments that ordinarily should brush off your back, are wearing you down and draining the life out of you. The result is you end up attaching the wrong meaning or labels to your experiences. You will start blaming yourself for stuff and wondering if your tormentor was after all, right. Then the whole thing can easily become a self full filling prophesy.

You do come across as intelligent and clever - but obviously hurt and sad at the moment. But guess what, its okay to be sad! You are not made of stone - you are flesh and blood and you do have feelings that can be hurt. Don't let anyone trivialise that, and don't believe prophets of doom such as you previous abusive partner.
Drink that bitter cup of disappointment for there are nutrients to be had, even from that. But then shake it off by, first of all, clear thinking, and recognising that sometimes it is a great blessing when things end - never mind how they end. Because if he is the sort of guy to ghost people, then maybe he lacks moral courage and could have done a great deal of damage to you in future. Ultimately he is not the one for you, or rather he is not good for you. He may have validated you and made you feel special, especially in the light of you bad previous relationship. But also TheTRex , begin to move the centre of gravity of your life so that you don't rely much on partners validation. Let your sense of worth and happiness spring from inside of you - partner or no partner. Find books, friends - whatever you can do to move in this direction. ' Do not lean on a arm of flesh' . Then as your life begins to shift in this new direction , you will attract the right kind of partner, who will truly cherish you - and you will feel and know it.
I have a few more tips but I know I have been rambling too much, so I will stop now. Please do let me know how you get on. Counselling or doctor, will benefit you more if you also do your own emotional and mental work. And its hard to treat sadness anyway.

I agree with everything Hissy wrote.

Imho, once you (generalized) notice someone is not responding, the quicker you can move on off of your own decision, the better. Presumably, people want “closure” or an explanation. It seems like the final power play for the ghoster to not provide that. Do they get some sort of perverse entertainment knowing someone is waiting/expecting to hear from them in vain? Take that away from them and move on ASAP. Bounce that ball right back to them.

Imho, the texting you right after departing company would be a red flag. It is controlling your thoughts- wants you thinking about him all the time . It would, on the surface, seem flattering, but on second thought would be very annoying.

Thanks everyone again, I am really trying to not let it get to me but it is difficult, especially as an over thinker. All your comments have helped me see the attitude I need to be working towards.

The doctor thinks I may be suffering from PTSD, which explains why this has been triggering. I have counsellor referral and also a prescription for some antidepressants although I'm incredibly nervous to take them

DanielCraig - yes that's spot on really. I do keep wondering how the hell I managed to misjudge all the signs so badly.

Moyo- He was particularly affectionate with me, and also complimentary in that department. Also, when I knew him previously it was always in a mutual attraction sort of way and not as friends, so while I hate to sound like I'm tooting my own horn, it would seem odd if that was the case. But who knows, because I certainly don't, and probably never will. Thank you for your words though. That is all hopefully the aim in the future and I know I need to work on that.

AndTheBand - I hadnt really about that with the texting thing but you could be right. Especially considering what's happened now.

Bleh, I'm done overthinking!! (That's probably a lie, but I'm definitely done overthinking out loud)

MoyoGaza emotional immune system- is that your term? That’s exactly it!

The process of recovery from abuse or even from a difficult childhood is exactly the same way as a child builds up an immune system to bugs and illnesses, little by little, through exposure to a little more of what frightens/challenges us we grow stronger, we’re able to face more and learn from each person that passes through our lives and I can assure you that it all adds up in the end

You’re on the path to a better future, yes you’ll stumble, but when you learn to trust yourself and your instincts you’ll see just how much love there is inside you, for you, and how special someone has to be to be your other half

I agree with HIssy.

I don't know how you could have a relationship right now. You need to repair the damage that an abusive relationship does.

It was THREE years before I went out with a man after abusive x. I accidentally directed his car in to the wrong car park and after film, discovered his car was locked in and he had to phone a number and pay 60 quid to get let out. He was nice about it. And I felt this incredible tension that he must really secretly be blaming me, even though he wasn't saying that he blamed me. I had been working on raising my self-esteem as well.

I've come a long way since then but when I read your post i just think you need to nurture yourself and fix the damage that your x did to you. That is priority.