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Original poster

Struggling to talk to or understand husband

17 replies

Pays4All · 07/03/2018 15:55

Have been debating how to word this fro a while now. Hubby always worked full time until nearly 3 years ago when he refused to apply for his own job after a company takeover ‘because its time I worked for myself’. I didn’t agree with this as we have 3 kids (aged 10 and up) who needed providing for but he accused me of being unsupportive and negative I’d his ideas so I shut up. He did nothing for six months including not applying to the job centre and I took over paying for everything. When I finally persuaded him to apply at the job centre he spent the next couple of months complaining that they just wanted to force him into any available work which he wasn’t prepared to do and moaning that he couldn’t just have access to his pension which he paid I to for his whole working life.

After 4 months of being on the dole he ‘started his own business’. This business has made a loss both years it’s been open and now all I get is ‘When I get my [pension] money I can buy this, that and the other.

He’s living on his credit card for pretty much all his expenses and I still pay for everything, food, bills etc.

I’m not sure what to do as the house is in both names, I think he’s setting an awful example to the kids and we have virtually nothing in common. I’ve slept downstairs for four years (in other words I moved down there before all this started) and can’t see an end to this. Any advise please.

OP posts:
Blaablaablaa · 07/03/2018 16:35

Honestly...I’d have to leave.
You have two issues - one you aren’t a team. You’re sleeping downstairs and taking all responsibility for keeping your family afloat. That’s unfair on a massive scale. Does he contribute is other ways? House work, childcare etc?
Two - I would lose all respect for a partner who was unwilling to step up and provide financially for their family. You do what you need to do to put food on the table and a roof over your head. My DH would literally take any job to ensure we had money coming in...as would I

He’s taking the piss.

Jenasaurus · 07/03/2018 16:48

Definitely leave. Its not fair on you or the kids, they are watching this play out in front of them and will be aware that dad basically played at being a grown up, while mum had to fund his dreams and I expect the children have missed out on things because of him following his dreams too. You have my sympathy here. How can your H not be aware that you are unhappy, your sleeping on the couch and have been for 4 years, it sounds like you have given him more than adequate time to sort himself out and he hasn't so I would leave and make a life for yourself and the children and he can play at running a business and pay his own bills.

bastardkitty · 07/03/2018 16:51

He's walked away from your marriage and your family. I would formalise that and divorce. Please ensure he does not pull any kind of primary care giver stunt as a benefit to his laziness.

Shen0102 · 07/03/2018 16:59

seems like youre already living a single parents life. He's just weighing you down to be fair. See how he'd react to you talking about separating, if there's still hope it might give him a wake up call and he might put his shit together. Otherwise just go your separate ways.

RaspberryCheese · 07/03/2018 17:09

Maybe he just became incredibly depressed? When and how did you arrive at sleeping downstairs?

Adora10 · 07/03/2018 17:13

He did nothing for six months including not applying to the job centre and I took over paying for everything.

3 kids and he sat on his arse for half a year; sorry OP, I'd be separating, he's a cocklodger and not a very nice one at that.

ravenmum · 07/03/2018 17:19

Did he really not apply because he wanted to be independent? Might he secretly have been afraid of his application being rejected? Sounds a bit suspicious to me.

In any case, you don't have to be dragged down with him in his downward spiral. Sounds like you were not happy together before it even began?

RaspberryCheese · 07/03/2018 17:32

What about all that ." in sickness and in health.." malarky?

Adora10 · 07/03/2018 17:45

But he's not sick, he's chosen for six months not to support his 3 kids; happy for his wife to shoulder the responsibility, that's not a marriage, that's a one sided perspective that suits him but doubt very much it suits his wife; bloody awful expecting her to shoulder everything whilst he deliberates on what he wants to do, fine if it's just him, not fine when there are three kids that need fed and clothed.

He won't end it OP, so it carries on unless you get rid of this dead weight.

ravenmum · 07/03/2018 17:50

If he is depressed, he needs to be honest with OP so that she knows what is going on, and he can get treatment. Otherwise, as long as there's every indication that he's just being a dick, she can just act on that assumption.

Original poster
Pays4All · 07/03/2018 20:45

I often feel like I’m a single parent to four kids rather than three. He’s harder work than the kids are! I have wondered/worried whether he’s depressed but he honestly doesn’t seem to be fussed about anything unless either I disagree with him or one of the kids/dogs does something he doesn’t like. He’s never queried my sleeping downstairs although I have seen a sarcastic email to one of his friends that said ‘she prefers sleeping downstairs with the dogs than with me’!

OP posts:
Original poster
Pays4All · 07/03/2018 21:13

We’ve been married for nearly 20 years and he’s always been inclined to do what he wants regardless of whether I like it or not. He’s 10 years older than me and back when he first suggested not reapplying for his job I wondered whether the age gap had finally become a problem, if that makes sense.

OP posts:
paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 07/03/2018 21:18

Sounds like he's written off his working life at your expense and is looking forward to retirement.

I'd have to leave. There's no love there, sounds like there's not even friendship or respect or companionship. Life is too short.

Original poster
Pays4All · 08/03/2018 15:21

It’s the house that worries me more than anything. It’s fully paid for and in both names so presumably I’d have to find a way of buying him out if we were to go our separate ways. The kids have to have somewhere to live no matter what. I don’t know how that would work out as I only work part time and tax credits wouldn’t count as income for a mortgage application

OP posts:
Adora10 · 08/03/2018 15:50

Get the house sold, buy another place for yourself and kids and get yourself away from him, it will only get worse and just wait, he's also ten years older so as well as supporting him financially you will probably be tied to looking after him, a man, that clearly is not one jot interested in you. Move on with your life now whilst you can.

Guiltypleasures001 · 09/03/2018 06:42

Tell him he can keep his pension if he signs over the house to you
Use it as leverage if it's the only thing he cares about op 💐

OneEpisode · 09/03/2018 06:49

Do get a pension valuation first. If it’s 30 years of pension it could be worth millions

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