Is it me?

[easterholidays]

I've been in a long-distance relationship for two years. We always intended that he would move to my city eventually and he was due to move next month but has been dragging his feet about it. So this morning I asked him outright and he has admitted that he doesn't want to move.

I'm 41, so this relationship was probably my last chance to have children - I'm not desperate for them but I always thought I would have them, but it hasn't happened and now I feel as though he was stringing me along and wasting my time when I could have spent that time meeting someone who is here, and available, and committed.

My marriage a few years ago lasted eighteen months - he had an affair and left. All of my friends are married or cohabiting and they nearly all have children. And here I am, on my own again.

I don't think I'm a particularly awful person. And yet, I can't get a relationship right. When it has come down to it, none of my partners has loved me enough to stay. I've been in therapy twice without really getting much from it: I still have no idea whether the problem is me.

I have a successful career and enough money and friends and family whom I love and who love me, but what I want is a home and a life that I can share with someone else. So, what am I doing wrong? Or maybe my question is: what do I do next? I'm not ready to give up. All I want is someone to come home to.

Oops I meant to start this in Relationships! Will ask MNHQ to move.

We're moving this thread over to our Relationships topic now.

Firstly - be looking or someone more local.
Is a child your top priority?
If so then I have a friend who did it via sperm donor.
Had her DS at age 39.
Get going if that's what you want to do.
If you want someone to come home to then I'm afraid you just have to keep kissing all those frogs until you find your prince.
I'm still trying to find mine at 49!
Although I do have a DD from my marriage.

I'm sorry he didn't come through for you
Are you on dating sites?

I'm sorry to hear things have ended like this between you and your LDR.

Can I ask... Do you have any causes, activities, sports, hobbies, or interests that are A Big Thing to you? Is there an issue that you're really passionate about, or a thing you love to do? If so - to what extent is it part of your life - do you tend to that passion or is it something that's sort of on the back burner for you?

Do you know what your values are? Do you know what the most important things in life are - to you, if that makes sense. For example... If you were given money that you had your give to charity- do you instantly know which charity, and why?

I ask these questions because I've noticed that folk whose goal is in the area of "I just want someone to come home to" sometimes to come to grief in relationships as they overfocus on the romantic relationship as the most important thing in life. Which causes things like, overlooking red flags, not having boundaries, being dependent, even just being a bit boring (not having conversation topics) at times.

Is there a possibility this is you?

(Btw. It's more likely that it's just bad luck, you know. But I offer the one suggestion that comes to mind for me.)

Thanks MNHQ!

I'm not desperate to have a baby, but I suppose - like ending up in a long-term relationship which goes the distance - it's just something I sort of expected would happen to me! I'm struggling with the idea that things haven't panned out the way I expected to, and I also feel very lonely at times.

I haven't tried dating apps, maybe that is the next step! I need some wound-licking recovery time first. Also, (ex?) DP is now saying that he does want to move down, so I'm feeling conflicted about that too, because now I'm not sure whether it's him I want here, or just someone. (I don't feel he's treated me very well, all this time.)

Sorry, this is a very wishy-washy follow-up! I'm good at kissing the frogs but I seem to be less good at separating them from the princes.

Oh that's interesting PrizeOik, yes I do think I over-focus on it.

I don't think I have traditional "hobbies" but I do do things (sing in a choir, see a lot of films and plays, travel when I can afford the time and money). And I do have causes close to my heart and yes, I know which charity I would support with an unexpected sum of money. BUT, not having boundaries and ignoring red flags are definitely things I do.

Sorry OP. It must be hard for you. It’s unlikely to beypu though. I know a few really awesome people in this position-is usually just a case of bad timing and bad luck. It happens more often than people let on. Sure some people meet the love of their life and they are both on the same page and they stick it out andspend the rest of their lives together but for most people it doesn’t happen that way. For a lot of people a successful long term relationship is a result of settling for someone you aren’t completely in love with, putting in a lot of hard work, compromising, forgiving things for the sake of continuing the relationship etc. Even for those of us who have the idyllic love of my life type relationship there are times when we would walk out if we could but we can’t because we have children, we are too scared about hurting the other person, we’re too scared of hurting other people like our parents, we have financial obligations etc. When you are trapped like that you supressthe urge to get out and you just wait and then whatever it was that caused to problem fades and you go back to how things were more or less. When a relationship ends it’s usually because something has gone wrong with the person who is leaving. It doesn’t really make sense the other way-why would you be happy with someone one day andnot the next unless you changed some how? I really don’t think it’s you.

That's helpful to read, thank you! Yes I do know most relationships aren't a perfect idyll of togetherness, but I think some people have sticktoitiveness and I don't seem to, and/or neither do the men I've been in relationships with. The fling that ended my marriage might have been something we could have got over, but he didn't want to try. Likewise, this blip might be recoverable, but I'm not sure either of us has the energy to make the effort. It all feels a bit overwhelming to me.

The thing is, too, that I really need alone-time. And I do sometimes wonder whether I have a completely unrealistic set of expectations of a relationship. That's unlikely to change, though, because with no children or financial ties I wouldn't really have a barrier to leaving a relationship that was otherwise making me unhappy. (Except for not wanting to be by myself, which isn't really a good enough reason to stay.)

Easter

re your comment:-

"BUT, not having boundaries and ignoring red flags are definitely things I do".

Why is that?. And that is something you are going to have to stop doing to yourself because its hurting you and causing you also to choose poorly. I would also read the website entitled Baggage Reclaim as this could help you.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up, what sort of an example did your own parents show you?.

The worst thing in life is not to be alone but to be with someone who makes you feel alone. I would give this man, who is now saying he wants to move permanent marching orders, you do not need to be messed about. I think you do need some time on your own now to heal and to work out what it is that you really want from both a relationship and life. I would also develop a thicker skin before you enter the sometimes murky world of online dating.

Oh, what good questions. My parents are still together, have had some bumpy patches but I think are mostly OK these days. They were married at 25 and my mum thought she was too old, which has maybe affected me - I've always had a sort of sense of urgency about the NEED to be in a relationship which I don't think most people share.

Agreed re online dating and needing a thicker skin; I don't deal well with rejection and I imagine it's part and parcel!

I'll have a look at the website you mention, thanks so much. It's very helpful just to bounce this stuff off you wise MNers.