Do you ever imagine a different life?

[downandout1222]

I'm not writing this for advice or to talk through my relationship woes.

I'm just genuinely intrigued - do you ever imagine a different life? Different husband? Different person? Kids/no kids?

When I'm upset by DP I imagine this fantasy life. I imagine I'm with someone who knows my soul. All the things that would take someone a lot of time and knocking down the wall to ever discover.
I imagine him putting me first and thinking I'm the best thing since sliced bread.

I know it's really silly and some may say 'well why not go and find that' but it's never that simple is it?

I know my relationship cannot last and my thoughts may not even necessarily be fair. But I never imagine a specific person, just that things in my life were different. It is a strange comforting coping mechanism I use when times are bad. It helps me not cry so much if I'm being shouted at or told everything that's wrong with me.

Oh downandout, why do you get shouted at and told everything is wrong with you? I think everyone has little fantasy worlds but it sounds like you have more to escape than most. I hope you're OK.

I'd like a life where I have a partner who wants to spend time with me and not be off doing things away from me all of the time. I really want someone who likes being with me.

Hope you're ok OP

Yeh all the time.

God, yes. When I'm tired of feeling like a piece of furniture, I imagine what it's like to be with someone who was actually interested in me. I never have, though.

Yes I imagined it for years. Then on Sunday I ended my marriage and now I hope I may not have to imagine what it is to be valued, liked and not ignored anymore. I’m not even looking for a perfect relationship, anything than what I was in will be an improvement.

Yes all the time. I enjoy reading Facebook updates from friends who get thoughtful gifts from their partners.

Whose partners are proud to be out with them, standing tall next to them and proud of all their achievements big or small.

I imagine what life would be like with a supportive partner who cares about all your worries, listens to you without judgement, and thinks about you first sometimes.

I was never lucky enough to find the person that put me first, no fun surprises, no big wedding, no support to take time off to care for my child.

I've realised that I'm better off alone than without this, so I'm taking steps to rectify it. I'm going to put myself first in the future - even though it's out of my comfort zone a bit. But I'm not getting any younger and life is just too short.

I hope you can find the strength to put yourself first too.

I used to imagine a different life, just wondering how things could have been different. My husband had to travel a lot, and was not the attentive kind, especially after kids. I never dreamt of actually leaving, though, as he was a decent guy and I was just being picky.*

Then he had an affair and we broke up. I have a different life. My current partner is attentive. It's much nicer. I don't regret staying with my ex all that time, as it wasn't that bad*, and there were good things about being a family together. I don't like to dwell on regret.

But instead of dreaming, I should have tried to change the situation in other ways. I should have taken the "minor" issues more seriously. Either things would have improved, or we would have broken up earlier. And the latter would not have been the end of the world.

*He didn't shout at me or tell me what was wrong with me.

My situation is very complex and also I have a lot of blame in it. I have carried my 'baggage' from an abusive (physically and emotionally) to my current DP and I think the constant anxiety of me thinking he will hurt me sometimes pushes him to the edge.

He is bad at arguing/communicating/disagreeing. So instead of just saying how he feels, he can only ever say things that are sometimes hurtful. It's a shame.

However, I picked up this coping tactic when I was in the ex relationship. Everytime he hurt me i'd imagine being with someone who is actually like my current DP. Then I went out and found my current DP. It's just that years in his flaws have shown and we are having our issues. but it's far too long and complex to discuss.

I just wanted to know what you guys do! I am very young (twenties) and already feel like I've battled too much.

I like hearing about other people's happy places, where they go for solace and what their dreams are for their future.

I know you don't want advice, but just acting as if requiring fantasies to cope was OK would be far too sad, sorry. I can't do that. You are not to blame for his poor behaviour. Really not. Take some time out from relationships to work on your self esteem. Sorry I can't give you the answer you'd like.

I feel like I could have written this OP, I do exactly the same thing. My relationship isn't terrible, but I don't feel cherished or particularly appreciated, I do often wish that I had waited longer before settling down and had better self esteem to find someone more like my ideal who would treat me a bit better. I had very low standards after an abusive relationship in my teens and wasn't out of the fog when I met DH. I'm also in my twenties and I'm not sure my marriage will last, I feel awfully guilty about it but do have a small part of me that hopes I will meet someone else later in life. When I see friends whose partners really cherish them I feel a pang of sadness then guilt.

I love my DC but given the choice would have remained childless. I don't find childcare rewarding; it eats up my life and I never have five minutes to myself, nor do I get a full night's sleep. I used to enjoy lengthy baths, movies and tv, meals out, evenings at the theatre, reading books, hobbies, and drinking a full bottle of wine if I felt like it. All of that has been taken away by 24/7 supervision of a child. I can't have a career because the cost of childcare exceeds how much I would earn. I can't even eat a meal uninterrupted while it's still hot. My stomach has been ruined with stretch marks and loose skin so I can never wear a bikini again or look sexy in underwear. Even just going out of the house for a coffee takes ages because of all the car seats and kid stuff. I don't have time to think about any of the things I used to enjoy and find interesting. I barely recognise my own body or personality. When I have a minute to think, I still dream about travelling or having a career and making a difference in the world. But I guess I gave up those opportunities when I agreed to have a child.

@leavemealone I'm sorry you also feel this way. I think when you're used to this way of thinking it is hard to explain to those who don't. Things aren't terrible, they're just not great either. And the grass isn't always greener, so what do you do?!

I don't think perfect exists in reality in terms of my demands and wants/needs to imaging a world where they are is so nice sometimes.

@Bella Although I don't have any DC, my own mum has said this to me. Never in spite, but as I got older and more mature and we talked about my future and children, she did explain how she felt having my brother(and then me) was something that put a halt to her own desires. She then was stuck in life.

The takeaway is that whilst life isn't perfect and we have our woes, finding a way to deal with them is a nice little escape sometimes. I hope you find something just for you and your own happiness, Bella.

I could have written this 5 years ago. So I left and actually found my fantasy life. It's not perfect all the time but it's pretty close to what I imagined/wanted

I can't complain - my life could have been a lot worse. I was lonely and barely earned minimum wage when DH came along with a good salary and a detached house, offering companionship and a future. I have a trustworthy husband to keep me company and take care of me, a lovely home, a car paid for by DH, I spend my time doing housework and looking after DC and I don't have to work... But I'm stuck at home with DC and every day is the same, my opportunities are limited by the burden of 24/7 childcare, and I still sometimes imagine being with a good looking man and feeling attraction and romantic love. I suppose you can't have everything.

I had a lovely partner then something happened, no third party and I was devasatated that he didn't support me. But I left him almost immediately. It gave him the Exocet missle he needed. Months of painful talks and we are back together and stronger than the last few years.

Apart from thinking that I was worth more than crap treatment I also had the means to be financially viable alone. That is a huge problem for women. So many posters that write in the relationships board are not viable alone.

You have my sympathies, To be let down by the person who is supposed to cherish you. Lots of my hair fell out form stress at the time.

Yeah. In my dream I wouldn’t have had kids (Too much like hard work and cost too much.) I also would be with a wife that I had more in common with and more of a sexual connection with instead of the the nice but dull one I have.

@balidreams
You can’t of always felt like that
Or why would you have got married in the first place

Yes. I used to when I was very unhappy. I would take baby DS and go walking to get him to sleep. We lived near some low blocks of flats and every day I'd walk past them, look at the different windows, smell the cooking smells, hear the sounds of people living their lives and wonder what it would be like to be them.

It's not a good way to live, wondering what it would be like to be anyone but yourself. I was much happier when I did end that relationship. No, I didn't immediately find somebody wonderful, but I was in control of my own life and if I didn't like something about it, I had the power to change it rather than wait forever for somebody else to.

What are your demands and wants? Sometimes these are not as far fetched as we think. (Of course, they might be, I don't know :o)

@hunting.

Didn’t seem to matter as much then.

We have just grown apart like many couples do as they get older.

@balidreams
Yeah I know what you mean. There might be hope though if you loved each other in the first place

I used to.

When I was in a bad relationship, severely depressed & crying every day, I dreamed of what it would be like to be single, free, independent & confident. Happy.

Then with the help of ADs & therapy, I found the strength to leave & start again, and the life I dreamed about is everything I hoped it would be .

I tend to do this a lot when I'm at a low point. As a teenager I literally wanted to be someone else, I wanted a new life, i wanted to be in someone else's shoes. I eventually fully accepted that this was impossible. But I still wonder from time to time about what my life would be like if I didn't do one thing and I did another. I wonder what it's like to be my friends, most of them don't have kids, they aren't married, they mostly live with friends. It's not that I don't like my life as a mum and a wife but sometimes I can't help but wonder

I'm a bit like this. I daydream a lot and in great detail about alternate lives and selves, particularly when I'm under stress. I didn't realise this was a recognised thing until I read a thread about it on here and discovered it's called maladaptive daydreaming, and is a common coping mechanism in people who had difficult childhoods. Until then, I oscillated between thinking that I'd missed my vocation as a screenwriter and feeling I was just a bit of a basket case. Now that I realise it's a valid coping mechanism, I beat myself up a lot less about the timewasting aspects of it, and try to use it as a constructive tool for understanding what aspects of my life aren't working well for me and what changes might help. My relationship is still a bit of a curate's egg, but my career has massively improved since I woke up to the (actually blindingly obvious) fact that for many years my daydream self tended to work in a particular field I had assumed since childhood was off limits. When I finally noticed this, it felt like a corneal transplant. I think we massively underestimate the value of fantasy as a tool for personal change because we associate it with trashy romances and think it's a trivial and embarrassing way to pass time.

When day to day life starts to grind, I dream of having a lovely little flat.

Decorated to my own taste and it's always tidy, washing up doesn't exist and all the delicious food in the fridge and the wine is calorie free.

Every item in my wardrobe makes me look like a supermodel and my DH visits occasionally to have dinner and shag me senseless.

I visit the kids who live with DH and all the mess and yuck stays with them.

This however is just a silly dream that makes me feel calm when things get a bit stressful.

The difference is I don't ever dream of being with anyone else and my DH isn't an arsehole that says hurtful things to me.

Please don't waste your twenties with the wrong man OP. I did and it is the biggest regret of my life.