Reflecting on an abusive relationship: what could your friends/family have done differently?

[frieda909]

I got out of an abusive relationship three years ago. It took me at least six months to even recognise it as abusive, and much longer for me to start referring to it that way to other people. It was mostly emotional and verbal abuse, although it turned physical and sexual a few times too.

As I’ve gradually opened up to friends and family about this, quite a few have said something along the lines of ‘if only I’d said something sooner...’ or ‘I thought something was wrong but I didn’t want to interfere’. One friend, the one I probably opened up to the most during the relationship after a particularly bad argument, seems to feel really guilty and told me that she wished she’d just driven over and I insisted that I pack my bags then and there.

It got me pondering, what could they have actually said or done that would have made any difference?

A few times I think I definitely felt some concern or judgement coming from friends, but that always made me immediately clam up or get incredibly defensive, and even stop talking to them altogether, so I think it would actually have just made things worse if they’d tried to intervene any further. So I honestly don’t know what I’d suggest the friend/relative should do in that situation. The only advice I ever really think to give is to keep talking and to let the person know you’ll always be there to listen without judgement.

Does anyone else ever think about this?

I dint think there is anything anyone can do tbh. I honestly think in most cases trying to get them away from the abuser tends to push them closer towards them. They have to be ready in there own time. All you can do is be there to support them when the time comes.

I'm answering from the viewpoint of a friend. There was nothing I could have done until she decided to leave him, and the more I let him know that I'd sussed him out the more he tried to keep her away from me.

It did unfortunately impact on her friendship eg he wouldn't let her come to my wedding, I joined them at a festival and spent most of the time wandering round on my own as he resented me etc.

So although I didn't judge her for her decision to stay it did impact on the relationship between me and her. Not sure it has ever been the same since to be honest.

I think the only thing people can do is to keep being there and trying to boost your confidence so you feel able to leave. It's kindly meant often, but trying to force someone out of a relationship often ends up making the person in it feel even more helpless.

And if you know friends disapprove, you'll end up not disclosing the details any longer.

My 19 year old daughter was at uni and in an abusive relationship. I didn't want to interfere but when the she told me how he made her stay up all night to clean the kitchen, refused any of her friends entrance to their shared flat and read all her messages - I had to tell her that I was worried about her as he seemed too controlling. She finally had a breakdown and the university were briliantly supportive. She says now that she wished that she had spoken out sooner as she didn't realise that it was wrong and abusive.

I didn't say too much at first because I didn't want to be the mother who interefers and I was worried that she would withdraw. I think the best thing is to listen and give advice if asked for. It can be a difficult one.

mograt
Similar happened to my DD at uni, although she was living at home, and was a couple of years older.
Her BF was an arse who disliked us, and did everything in his power to turn DD against us. Such a frightening time - I didn't keep my nose out as much as I should have done, but when you can see your DD being hurt (emotionally and physically that I know of), it's heartbreaking.
She saw the light - but after several months of a very stressed atmosphere.
One thing that helped was that I spoke to her Godmother (who she adores) and told her what was happening. We agreed that I would be the baddie, but she would keep all communication channels open, and be there to talk to. Wouldn't have been so easy if DD had been older.
Glad you're out of it Freida - and hope that your DD is in a better place Mograt. Nightmare times.

And if you know friends disapprove, you'll end up not disclosing the details any longer.

^^ very true.

@ajandjjmum She is in a safe house supplied by the uni and getting counselling, which is really useful. This happened in January, so early days but I think she's going to be ok xx

I think the best thing anyone can do is to just be there, be a friend and a listening ear, without necessarily saying too much either way.

I had an abusive relationship at uni and a wise friend said to me "nothing we can say will make you leave him, you'll just keep going back until YOU are ready to leave him and we'll be here for you". It was a really lovely thing to hear, she wasn't judging me for being weak or telling me what to do (when you're in an abusive relationship you get enough of people trying to control you - feeling like you are able to make this decision on your own time is vital).

I was in an emotionally abusive marriage for 12+ years and then another shitty relationship for 5 years with someone who I only came to consider abusive the week I left him. I have a bad track record!

As for friends and family, I feel like I can't really tell them too much because it is so insidious that it doesn't really explain how I felt, how utterly powerless to change anything. If they haven't been in a relationship with a controlling man or know anything about emotional abuse it can be difficult for them to grasp what its like, so there's no way they could have pre-empted the split really.

All they can do now is to help keep me busy, try not to say "you're better off without him" - because I don't feel like that yet, I miss the shit out of him - and just try and think of me occasionally, send me a text or something so I don't feel so alone.

In future if I pick another bully I hope they will keep an eye out for me, but if he's charming and lovely and all the good stuff for the first two years or so (as they all seem to be!) then it will be difficult for any of us to spot.

Thank you all for your lovely replies.

As for friends and family, I feel like I can't really tell them too much because it is so insidious that it doesn't really explain how I felt, how utterly powerless to change anything.

I totally get this. I still don’t really feel like I’ve ever truly told everyone the full extent of how bad it really was. I normally focus on stuff that I can sort of make a joke out of at his expense, like how crap he was around the house or how he expected to be waited on hand and foot when he was sick. I was talking like that to a reasonably new friend recently and after a while I paused and said ‘but you know, there was other stuff too...’ and she said ‘I totally get it. You talk about the stuff that’s easy to talk about but I know it all points to something much bigger’. I was so, so grateful to hear her say that. But in general, it’s so hard to convey in words what nine years of systematic manipulation and gaslighting actually feel like.

mograt I’m so glad your daughter is getting help and I hope things continue to improve for her soon. I also wish I had spoken out sooner, although it’s easy to say that now isn’t it? At the time I think I just ended up feeling like our relationship was terribly misunderstood, which made me feel like we were somehow really different and special, and which in turn made me withdraw from my family even more. I think my ex tapped into that too, and he’d say things like ‘your family don’t really understand you, I’m the only one who truly cares about you, I’m the only one looking after you’ which I’m sad to say I started to believe

for everyone.

Yes, all the arguing and nastiness was just the flip side of the passion and intense love. He always said we had the best relationship of anyone he knew, that he would never want what they all had (stable marriages where they were able to bicker about domestic crap because they knew it wouldn't end with being called a cunt )

My counsellor nailed it when she said its a game that is rigged so that you will always lose. When I tried to talk to him about anything that bothered me it was always a bad time, the wrong tone of voice or the way I said it that was wrong. She said to me "You need to know, there would never have been a right time, a proper tone of voice or the correct words for him to hear how he has let you down". I knew it really, but hearing someone else say it really hit home.

The friendships that survived my abusive relationship were the ones that listened and didn't judge me for staying. They were the ones that helped me put the pieces back together afterwards. I respect that my family and friends all did what they thought was best, but I do wish someone had been upfront and told me what he was doing was wrong. In retrospect it was obvious but at the time I thought it was me. It wasn't until I heard someone else say out loud that what he was doing was both wrong and shocking that I started to hear it. Hearing that out loud gave me strength to leave.

I guess just listen be there. A text a phone call knowing you have support is enough for me. Sometimes your not ready to hear what they have to say. Youtube videos about abuse or reading up about it have helped me understand its not your fault! Ive just left an abusive relationship so i still feel quite controlled. I broke down to my mum a few times about how bad it had been and she had no idea. For me i'm embarrased that i let it happen. Having to explain to my family they still dont know the full extent. Ive been to the police for assault , stalking screaming at me in the street but didnt take it further. Its hard breaking free from someone who thinks there not to blame that its all you.

God MyRelationshipIsWeird that sounds so familiar My ex would always tell me my friends’ wonderful partners were just wimps, that they were putting on an act and that I should be glad I had a ‘real’ man who would be honest with me. By ‘honest’ he of course meant someone who would freely tell me how shit I was. Then if I complained I would be told I was being oversensitive or that I was picking a fight with him. A game that’s rigged to lose is so, so true!

"nothing we can say will make you leave him, you'll just keep going back until YOU are ready to leave him and we'll be here for you". It was a really lovely thing to hear, she wasn't judging me for being weak or telling me what to do

Exactly the above is perfect.

It's a balancing act. On one had I would have had a feeling of having to act immediately if I told anyone (so I never did). On the other hand my family are quite passive and never gave me any indication that they thought anything was wrong. If I had the confidence that they would be there for me and help me, I would have left far sooner. My DSis now goes on about how she always hated STBXH and was waiting for me to leave, and it really annoys me. She didn't have to say anything direct, just a subtle "we're here for you if you need us for anything"