Ending marriage

[Inch]

I’m looking for advice, really and maybe a kick; I’m desperately unhappy in a marriage that lacks intimacy on any level but is bound together by longevity and financial complexity. I’m aware that neither of these is reason enough for the marriage to continue, but they are complicating factors.
I’m sure my husband isn’t happy, but oddly , he would make it as hard for me to leave as possible. For clarity, there isn’t anywhere I could go, as in, walk out tomorrow. We don’t get on any more. We don’t sleep together or sit in the same room much. Conversation is minimal and lacks warmth.We haven’t really come together or supported each other through two recent bereavements on both sides: on mine, the untimely death of a sibling, on his, the death of a very elderly parent and consequent difficulties with a sibling. We’ve just argued and the subjects are minefields. It’s just awful really, and I’m drinking heavily just to cope.

This is the rub. He hasn’t done anything terrible. Everyone thinks he’s marvellous. Our unhappiness is subtle and not obvious to outsiders..

I cannot talk to him. Please don’t suggest it. It just leads to a headache and stalemate, yet I feel he must also long for peace and freedom.

But what possible grounds can I give a solicitor? All the negatives eg not sleeping together stem from me.
Can anyone advise please as to whether I can go forward with a divorce?

No experience but wouldn't the grounds be "irreconcilable differences"

Best of luck for the future OP

Little there is no such thing in UK divorce law. You're thinking about the US.

OP, it sounds like a really difficult situation and legally speaking if he won't cooperate, your only option is to move out and wait 5 years - 2 if you think he will consent to the divorce.

How long ago are the bereavement? I just think you might need to get yourself some support especially if you are drinking heavily.

Do you have children?
Focus on getting counselling and through this you will get solutions to your marriage, You can separate and divorce after 2 years without "blame"

Exactly the same here OP. He's a great dad, people think our marriage is great and he's wonderful but the reality is the same as your situation. Barely talk, separate bedrooms, for at least the last 4 years....only converse to sort logistics for the kids. I got into a spiral of feeling depressed and crying most days being desperately unhappy but not knowing what to do - got 2 kids and had built this life; but then thought I couldn't live like this anymore. I felt like ending my own life. All while he seemed fine with the arrangement and wasn't bothered. But then I read more about relationships and realised this was far from not common! My thinking changed and I thought life is too short to not be happy. And also what was this showing the kids in terms of what love/relationships are about? I went to a solicitor and mentioned to him that's what I did, we had mediation sessions to talk about separating. Told the kids. Then he got made redundant and found a new job abroad, that he's moving out to soon. So the upshot is I feel happier in myself...I see light at the end of the tunnel. We are actually talking more amicably as there's lots to sort out. No idea if I'll meet anyone else suited relationship wise, though that hope gets me through. But most importantly I'm not depressed or crying anymore.

Your first try on grounds would be 'unreasonable behaviour' - such things as no sexual life, don't do joint activities, never says "I love you", no shared interests, lots of arguing, lack of support during bereavement, etc. This can be written in a not-too-blaming way.

However, divorce petitions can be defended if he's really stubborn! Worst case would be 5 years separation if he won't consent ... but hopefully wouldn't get to that!

Inch I don't have any advice but just know you aren't the only one feeling like this. I could have written your post. Some days I am adamant that today is the day I tell him it's over, there has to be more to life than a sexless marriage because I no longer want to be anywhere near him and where we only communicate to do with DD. That there has to be more to life at 30. Then other days I beat myself up for being selfish and wanting more. Thinking maybe this is normal and how marriages are, that I should just get on with it and be unhappy.

I hope you find your answers xx

It would probably be wise to talk to a solicitor first, if you want to, rather than putting obstacles in your own way which may not be there.

I’m always concerned when posters say things like ‘everyone else thinks he’s marvellous.’ Many people are great, but few are marvellous: so when that impression is given to others, but not you, it suggests there may be artifice going on.

In addition, you say he would make it as hard for you to leave as possible, even though you are sure he’s unhappy. This too rings an alarm bell. Throwing up obstacles would indeed be odd, in a previously healthy but now failing relationship. However, it is absolutely par for the course in a controlling or emotionally abusive relationship.

It’s possible you might shy away from these terms. Even so, read up on emotional abuse in case you see any echoes there.

If you do, it will help you understand your situation, and begin to make the break. Ending a controlling relationship comes with particular challenges.