Heartbroken for DS

[Newwoman2017]

I've posted on here in brief about my relationship with my DH. I still love him very much but have been very frustrated over time with his lack of effort with me. Events of the past few days have pushed this into the background as more importantly my son is feeling upset about his own relationship with DH.
My DS Has been v moody past few days & after some talking he told me he feels his Dad is not interested in him, does anything to avoid being with him & that he doesn't know him. He feels he is closed off emotionally & is rude & negative towards him.
I feel heartbroken for my DS. It's true that over the years it's me that's done the childcare, I always did school runs, parties etc. Most weekends I will suggest a family walk or something but it usually ends up being just me DS & DD.
My DH does work hard but he never really want to do anything, last weekend we did go for a family walk in the woods first time in ages. I went to hold his hand and he just said I've got my hand in my pocket. As usual i felt rejected. I need to tackle this, recently u felt I couldn't go on in a relationship with so little giving back but now I have to be my son's advocate. (He's 11) how do I begin to explain this to DH without him feeling like he's being attacked. He never talks or discusses feelings.

Would it help if your son told his father directly ?

I dont think So, he's written down Heis feelings & I've promised that I will talk to my DH.

Feel sorry for both your kids; your son has certainly noticed how crap things are and has bravely spoken up about this. He's telling the truth isn't he, perhaps a truth that you have not wanted to properly face. Would you say those things that your son has said about his dad too?

Is this really what you both want to teach them about relationships?. What are they learning here from the two of you?. What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is in this for you?. And those are questions I would ask him too.

You cannot carry this relationship on your own, he has to want to do his bit as well. If he never talks or discusses feelings then I would argue that this whole relationship is pretty much at an end anyway. Be your own advocate as well as theirs.

I try not to think about it too much, I decided I would try writing DH a letter. When I try to talk to him I can't seem to explain things in the right way & he feels I'm blaming him for everything.

I realise that there must be fault on my side but he doesn't really say what I could do to improve things. I think I'm thoughtful, I always get him things he likes, favourite things e.g.. a scratch card and some sweets. Try to cook things he likes. He doesnt do any of this for me.

He's quite critical, I try to keep our house nice but it's never good enough. I work part time but only 10 hrs a week now. I do everything in the house, shopping, washing ironing cleaning & most of the cooking.

We get on well mostly we have a similar sense of humour, compatible home bodies with a bit if socialising in between.

I don't want to end our marriage and he doesn't see there is anything wrong with it but I do feel lonely & I want to be more of a family. I do feel absolutely devastated for my son though, I know he gets upset with his Dad as he can be hard on him but I didn't realise how stringly he felt. My DD doesn't really have these issues she is very laid back & also an adorable girl, always happy and sweet. DH doesn't give preference to her.

Its not you, its him. HE is the one who does not want to improve things because he is as happy as Larry with having you run around after him and trying to be thoughtful to and anticipate his needs. He gets what he wants out of this. Not surprisingly he does none of this for you, it shows his utter contempt for you as both his wife and as a person in your own right. You could prostrate yourself at his feet 24/7 and be a stepford wife but it still would not be enough for him. Such men are very adept at moving the goalposts around.

Writing a letter to him will make no difference whatsoever but it may help you by seeing his reactions to this.

If you do not want to end your marriage (Why? You must get something out of this so what is it?) your kids and you are going to be in for more of the same from their dad in forthcoming years. What is stopping you from pulling the plug here?. Fear of him and his reactions?. Money worries?. Your own inertia and fear of change/the unknown, being alone?. If you can articulate and or address your fears this would help you.

How did you feel hearing your son say what he did?. I feel for both your children and your DD sounds very much like you already. I sincerely hope she never marries someone like her dad but you are doing your bit here to show her too that your life at home is still acceptable to you on some level.

The only person your H gives preference to is him and he alone; the rest of you are all but bit part players in his universe.

So what? The man works and that's his sole contribution to the family?

From now on, keep your house to the standards that you're happy with and when he complains tell him to do it himself. Go out and have fun with your kids and friends (soon he'll no be wanting to spend time with his parents so make the most of it over the next two years). If your DH doesn't want to join you then he can piss off. Your kids seeing you bend over backwards trying to entice your boring distant dh isn't doing them any favours. He's not the king of the castle, he's an equal member of the family.

Honestly, all your efforts and all you get is a grudging grumpy tag along?

Can you find something for your son and DH to do together. Then just tell him 'I come across xyz and think it would be good for your to do with son as he's mentioned you don't seem to do anything with him'
If he agrees to it I'd see how that goes and hopefully keep finding little things to do together. If he refuses then you need to have a proper conversation with him.
I would tackle one thing at a time or he will definitely feel he is being attacked and it could push him the other way.

I had this (and a bit more) with my dh. He’d always worked a lot but after he lost both parents he got irritable too and it was damaging his relationship with our dd.

Difference in our case is that I have always loved my dh with all my heart and knew that year wasn’t him so I wanted to tackle it with him and make life better for us all. So that’s the context as to how I tackled things came from as it doesn’t match with yours OP but may be of some use to you or others reading.

I sat him down and said WE have a problem. That he may not of noticed but his behaviour had changed and whilst I loved him very much and understood why, something needed to change as it was now affecting our dd. I had a few suggestions ready so he could see a way forwards and we talked those through and I said that he obviously needed to think about solutions too and we could talk again in a couple of nights.

Then I hugged him tight and told him I loved him and that together we’d get through it and I could see he wasn’t happy either and that it was about time he learnt to be again. We both cried.

We did tackle things together. I never blamed or shouted, just gave the agreed signal when he slipped and a little smile so he could go to the loo or whatever to get out of the situation then come back in and start again.

We were also honest with our dd and he explained he was sad but that he needed w knew he was wrong and was trying hard to be different and then hugged dd and told her he loved her more than anything.

It really helped having and open and honest dialogue between the 3 of us.