Paranoid or not?

[Comerainorshine1]

I have been with my DH for 8 years and on the whole he is very loving and caring but there are a couple of things I can’t help but feel uncomfortable about. He is a very good looking man and has a flirty manner, I must add that it is in his personality to be like this even with much older ladies! He has a way of talking to you that makes you feel special and many a time I have seen other women (including my nan!) fall for his patter. I know he loves me but I can’t help but feel insecure and it’s driving me mad! He seems oblivious to his actions and says he is just being friendly. Recently we were on a night out and talk turned to stag do’s everyone was pretty drunk and one of his friends was talking about a destination that is renowned for the red light area. One of his friend’s Said “ oh that’s right up his street!” Referring to my husband. I asked about it when we got home and he just said” not sure why he’d say that, he’s just trying to cause trouble” I let it go but it’s really bothered me since. I just worry that maybe he isn’t just a harmless flirt and it also makes me wonder what people think, do they know what he’s like and I’m in the dark? I feel an idiot posting this but not sure how to deal with it! He compliments me often but I still feel so insecure.

Ugh, a charmer.

He says he's only being friendly? He knows FULL WELL the effect he's having - and he enjoys it.

As for his friend and the red light comment - that's not sounding too good is it

But he's the type to seduce the whole world to being in love with him. No wonder you're feeling insecure.

I know it’s a really unsettling feeling. I’m very level headed and usually not easy to fool but he is so convincing when I confront him that I’m left a bit confused and it’s a feeling I’m not comfortable with believe me. He is attentive when we are in company so I can’t say he ignores me but it just doesn’t sit right with me.

Before we got together he was in a relationship where he was cheated on quite badly. It affected him massively. I wonder if he is now trying to prove that he can prove he is worth female attention? I just don’t want to be seen as the “poor wife” who doesn’t know what he is like!

• trying to prove he is worthy of female attention

I know someone like this who was obese when he was a young man and now seduces every female who crosses his path.

He needs a bloody health warning around his neck.

Yea that comment would make me paranoid too.

Does his friend have a reputation for winding people up?

No his friend is an ok bloke not a wind up as such there had been a lot of drinking but I think that comment went a bit further than a joke. The annoying thing is I can’t prove anything because it was said and I didn’t say anything at the time.

My DH is a really out-going person and likes to make everyone feel good - all ages and genders. His school year book predicted he would be a Blue Peter presenter. He isn't, but you get the idea.
I find that his personality brings the worse out in a certain type of person who refuse to believe he is as upbeat and kind as he seems.
I am the opposite of my DH and can get paranoid but I guess the 30+ years we have been happy together with no sign of cheating is the best proof that you can be a party animal and a good partner.

I don't really understand what form his flirting takes. I had a lovely friend who I thought was dead interested in me as a woman until another friend told me it was her. We were both wrong, he just had a lovely way of paying complete attention to whoever he was talking to that made you feel special.

It’s not a lechy or leering type of flirting more a jokey thing but to give you an example. He came into my work the other day to drop off something off to me which coincided with me going to lunch. He complimented my colleague on her hair (no problem there) but what pissed me off was as I left expecting him to walk out with me he carried on chatting to her. I just got in the car and went leaving him there.

I had a boyfriend like this a long time ago Comerain, sorry you're dealing with this. It made me really sensitive to this sort of thing for a while, so maybe I'm still biased but I would not be OK with him complimenting your colleague's hair, or staying to chat with her!

I know he can't completely change his personality, but could he dial it back? Have you told him how that incident made you feel?

I did tell him it pissed me off but he said “ I don’t understand why you’re annoyed, I was only chatting I haven’t seen her for ages” for the record she is late fifties and he knows her husband well. It’s not a jealousy thing I just feel a fool.

That example is friendly not flirty.

Yes it probably wasn’t the best example but you have to be there really. He’s complimenting, she is tittering away and I’m being blanked completely as I walk right past him. I didn’t make a point of waiting because I really thought he’d walk out with me. I just wouldn’t do it myself

I just wouldn’t do it myself

I completely get this. Everyone has different ideas of what is disrespectful/ dismissive, what is a personal affront and what isn't. It's just one of those things, you can't really change the way you feel on matters like this.

I will say...
My ex felt about me, as you feel about your husband. He felt constantly disrespected, ignored, insulted, etc. by the fact that I would talk to people, be interested in their lives etc. He felt that my socializing was at his expense. He tried very hard not to let it bother him, and I tried very hard to do it less.

And we made each other absolutely miserable over it.

What you describe above is, to me, an extroverted man who is friendly and interested in people. He has warmth and gregariousness and people like to talk to him. He probably makes women feel safe which makes them want to be around him, which obviously, as a social animal who is extroverted, he enjoys.

You sound like the kind of person who feels that attention is a finite resource and if he's giving attention to another person, particularly a woman, he has "spent" it and there isn't enough left over for you, or the idea that you don't get all of it, means that he thinks less of you, something like that.

You need to be with someone who doesn't feel a strong need to socialize. You can't make a man like this change. Well - you can try, and you'll make him properly miserable, and he'll inevitably not live up to your standards and you'll feel shit anyway. Which is exactly what happened with my ex and me...

I'm now with a man who's more like your partner. We are very happy together.

Whenever you're with someone and you think "well I just wouldn't behave like that myself, towards him", realize that you are not well matched. You can't make folk change. You've got to take them as they are.

It’s not a jealousy thing I just feel a fool.

Again, this is something my ex would say all the time. As if whenever my attention wasn't on him, espeically in public, it meant that I was somehow humiliating him, keeping from him what was rightfully his, that other folk must think I don't care about him, something like that. It was very confusing for someone like me who simply doesn't ever feel that way.

You just need to lay everything on the table and create boundaries. For some people flirting is actually seen as cheating as it might end up leading to more and for some it isn't.

Thank you prizeoik you have hit it spot on really. I probably should’ve mentioned that we had a two years apart and got back together. In that time we both saw other people because it at one point felt final. I suppose I’m still a bit insecure over that. We are trying to make it work but it isn’t helping my insecurities when he is like this, although as you rightly said I cannot change him and people are what they are.

2 years is a long break - was it this that broke you up before or something else?

No not primarily, I lost my mum unexpectedly and not long before that we arguing a lot. I did have trust issues as I hinted at in my original post. Before I met my husband he was a bit of a “player” which is fair enough, but I moved to his hometown where I knew no one and suppose I was always a bit uncomfortable with his reputation. He always seemed to be invited to everyone’s stag do and liked his nights out too. When I lost my mum I suddenly realised I was unhappy and got very much into the “life is too short” attitude. We split up and led our lives separately for a couple of years but decided to give it another try.