Is it bad for me to move the goalposts?

[penypass]

If not, tell me how to do it gently and with stealth mumsnetters!

I have been married 30 years and we are very best friends we do almost everything together, we work together every day. We enjoy our time together but also enjoy time with our own friends doing our own hobbies. The goalposts I want to move are to do with the romance in our marriage, we have never been the lovey - dovey types and have even laughed privately at couples who are, saying they are a bit sickly! But, and it is a big but, I am changing, I know why it is my menopausal hormones at work here, but I don't know how to get him to join in without him thinking I am unhappy with him, as I am not, I just want to get a bit more soppy and tactile in public. I went to put my arm around him in the pub last week and he looked at me like I smacked him in the facegrin I need tips on how to get him to show and tell what I know he feels without him then feeling like a bit of a tit. He did hold my hand when we were out walking at the weekend but we were in the middle of nowhere and no-one could see!

Can you not just tell him?

Why do you want people to see? Why's that important?

Me and my dp are naturally touched feely with each other.. not all over each other in public but will hold hands, he'll randomly slap my ass or he'll give me a peck on the lips or forehead kiss. But it's not done to a audience.

I think you'll hust have a conversation and explain that you want to be more tactful with each other.

Have you told him this?

And I think you might want to revisit your concept of what 'moving the goalpost' is. It isn't attempting to be more tactile with one's partner.

You have been married, happily it seems for 30 years and yet you cannot talk to your husband and share your feelings.
Surely your husband is aware that you are going through the menopause? There should be no need for stealth you need to be honest.
Tell your husband how much you love him and all though you too have never been lovey dovey your hormones make you feel the need to hold him and openly show him affection. Explain that is a craving or a complusion.Stress that your still happy but that you would love him to reciprocate and see where it goes from there.

I think it’s a bit weird to be honest that him holding your hand when you were out for a walk isn’t what you want, you want someone to see him holding your hand. Why is it so important that it’s seen? Surely the affectionate touch is the important part?

I also question why you can’t just tell your husband of 30 years that you’d like to hold his hand a bit more frequently. It’s not a difficult message.

You say
" I know I've laughed at it in the past, but I seem to need more displays of affection at the moment. I don't know why, maybe because I feel like he a walking menopause. So do you think you could oblige? "
As he's your best friend, he should understand. If it feels really odd doing it, give him time to warm up, and keep communicating about it.
There nothing wrong with asking for your needs to be met. You don't need to explain yourself, or have a rational reason. Just knowing you want it is enough.

I wouldn't be able to do this - It's just not me. Luckily DP is on the same page and we just match; but if he expected me to step it up, I wouldn't be able to comfortably do it. I'd want to, but I know I couldn't. It'd be false and awkward.

Talk to him. He might be able to be more tactile; or he might not, but perhaps if he can't; you can find something else that means as much to you. Being more tactile when you're alone? Showing he loves you in other ways?

It sounds like I just want to be seen, it’s not that as such it is just that we have both been very much on the same page where holding hands and showing affection in public is concerned etc. We have never had an issue talking to each other about anything but I know he would feel uncomfortable doing it in public, as I would have up until recently, but I honestly love him and fancy him so much I can’t keep from touching him, I am a bit like a teenager I suppose, I want people to know we are in love and I am sure that is all to do with my hormones! He does try and will do anything for me but I would hate to make him feel uncomfortable so wanted tips to help him feel ok about it. I am probably not making any sense, I usually dont

To be honest, from what you've said you have such a great relationship that if you simply told him how you feel, and even why you thing you feel this way I would imagine he'd be totally supportive and do his best to give you what you want.

I think the need to do this in public and to make sure that the gestures of affection are seen by others is weird TBH. What matters is that you love each other and show affection between yourselves.

As long as he's tactile enough at home it shouldn't really matter if he's not comfortable with PDAs? Maybe your having a confidence crisis and are reading into it that he's ashamed of you in public? I'm sure that's not the case.

As for getting him to do it in stealth mode? Surreptitiously apply a layer of superglue to his palm before leaving the house and then place his hand round your waist for the desired effect.

That is funny 😄 I may try that! It seems I am a little weird, as I said, I feel like a teenager and they are fairly weird I may try and curb my own desire for displays of affection!!

When put like that I get it and understand it more.

And I think it's sweet, I'm sure your dh would see that way to.

How about a wedding renewal. 🤔

You want other people to know you are in love ???

Is this what the menopause does to you? Turns you into a teenager? Oh dear I'm dreading it.
How about His and Hers outfits? Or just talk to him I suppose and find a compromise like holding hands but no actual public snogs.

I doubt it's about wanting 'others' to see you are in love more than it is about the idea of being tactile regardless of whereabouts. I.e. One's receptiveness to their partner regardless of where they are.

So ideally; in OP's world there should be no difference (to her partner) between holding hands in some kind of hidden woodland than holding hands walking down Oxford Circus in rush hour.

I just think you should tell him. Your marriage is older than some people I work with. Talk to him woman!

Lost, it is what it has done to me, yes, I am glad of the extra energy I have and the desire for more sex (so is my dp.) I seem to have it easy compared to some, if it means curbing my desires I will do, a compromise is what I intend to persue going forward.

Ah its so lovely this, sounds like you're falling for him all over again, can't believe any posters are being negative, its great 😊

Lesis, you know they is exactly it, you have hit the nail right on its head. Thankyou got understanding me.