Really struggling

[Disenchantress]

Hi...I don't know where to start really but I'm finding things really hard, I seem to have gone from having a very relaxed "low needs" baby to a demanding toddler quickly and it's been a shock.
I'm struggling I haven't before and it's heart breaking, I know all my dds behaviours are normal but I don't understand how everyone else I know seem to be sailing through and I end up in tears at the end of each day.
Here's the relationship bit I've finally opened up and told my husband I need more help! I know he can't do more than he's doing so asked about child care just a couple of days a week, which is something we can or rather he can afford. He agreed initially but now is dragging his feet.
It all came to a head the other night with a massive argument mostly just me breaking down a ranting(what's new). He's a wonderful man but really struggles to empathize with people, has always managed to with me until know. I can barely get anything out of him and the more I get upset the further he withdraws....I really don't if I have a question or even a point I'm just hurting and feel like I can't cope anymore.
Sorry/thanks for reading.

Really really sorry will proof read better if/when I post again!

I have 4 kids and nobody sails through. It's full on and now that they're slightly older and I see cute pictures of them when they were tiny, I know I didn't enjoy them at the time as much as I should have because I was fire fighting. But if you just go by my Facebook pictures it looks like everything was smiles and sunshines.

Also some kids are more demanding than others at different stages.

Have you considered going back to part time work and putting her in childcare?

What Cricrichan said with Bells on.

I’m open in how I find it hard but I know some on social media and I think if some first time moms were reading their status updates they would think it was actually nice to have kids

Joking aside it’s bloody hard. What saved my sanity was getting back to exercise classes. I do three 45 minutes classes a week and I really look forward to it.

Is there something you can do for yourself when your oh come in? Then you have something to look forward to and it’s not Groundhog Day. X

if he has agreed to childcare, why don't you just organise it? Or do you not have access to money and therefore can't do it even though as a family your'e agreed it?

If the latter, then that is a red flag right there. If you're a SAHP or even just on maternity leave, you should be able to access family finances to achieve things for the whole family.

If it's the former, I don't have any advice on how to handle his response, but I would say you WILL find things easier when you are less overwhelmed and getting your DC some childcare a few hours a week will give you that break you so desperately need.

I can't work unfortunately and my oh doesn't get home unit gone 7 of an evening, I don't drive and the gym is outside of town. On top of that there's a language barrier when it comes to dance classes. Sometimes I think I'm just not cut out for this.

I did have access to money but there was an issue with our bank account for where we're living so no money is going into it anymore and I don't have access to the bank account in the UK. My oh gives me money each week in case I want to go out with one of the other wives but that's not happening much so it just ends up in a jar in the kitchen. I guess I could use that but then I don't even know how to go about it, and as hard as I'm trying to solve it there's a language barrier so my husband will have to make calls to nurserys and such, I'm not very confident on the phone anyway.
Why did I say dance class obviously some hidden desire .

So to clarify, you're living in a country where you don't speak the language? You're struggling with managing childcare and socially you're isolated because you don't speak the language and have a very demanding LO? And on top of all this, you don't have access to money?

I think you need to get your dh to really step up here. This has red flags for me and I don't usually believe in leaping to conclusions about people's relationships.

In the first instance, take the money from the jar and put it somewhere safe. It's your money. Then look into expat organisations or groups locally you can join where you can meet other expats and english speakers. That will help with you feeling less isolated and it will probably also be a way to get help in other ways - eg perhaps someone from one of these groups can help with childcare recommendations etc. Depending on where you are, you may also find there are specialist childcare service aimed at expats or those of other languages - look into that.

And you need to get DH to sort out this bank account issue. You need to have access to funds if you're in another country. Never mind anything else, what if, god forbid, something happens to Dh and you need to get back to the UK?

I'm a forces wife I am used to being lost in translation and I see why things might appear a bit red flaggy but as a suvivour domestic abuse I have no fears with my husband! And if something happened I'd fly back with my money or my family would help or failing that they'd be some sort of service type thing to help wives.
Socially there's lots to do but this is the most clique community I've lived in and after some not nice comments at the toddler group I've kinda given up a lot, bar a couple of wives I do play dates with. This is the fist post abroad we've been in since having my lo, and I'm starting to realize what a huge difference she makes to this kind of life. If that makes sense or is even pertinent, I don't know Sorry!

Oh and there's a nursery others use out here but we wouldn't qualify for help with costs until dd is three, and that nursery is extortionate so we'd have to find our own.

But thank you for caring! It's great to notice the flags lots of people don't and thank you for the replies I really thought nobody would care or I'd be told to suck it up and get on with it.

This is not a way of life I'm too familiar with but you sound miserable and isolated. How about a trip over to see family and friends? Could they help with childcare a bit if you did? Perhaps it could be a nice break, time away from routine, other adult interaction. Use that money in the jar and continue to use it until you can make it a reality if it's something you'd like to do. I think you need and deserve a break.

Thanks, I'm feeling pretty miserable you're right, honestly I've never been this consistently down in my life. I think a trip back would be a wonderful! It's something I've been thinking about and I'd like to use my money to go towards driving home we've only done it once, but it was beautiful and probably one of the best experiences we've had as a family. Also I'd not anticipated how much a baby/toddler changes how you fly, it ends up as one big stress mess when we head home flying.

Why would people tell you to suck it up! Being in a strange place is hard.

What about the wives you do playdates with - perhaps they could make suggestions re childcare or might have some ideas or contacts? if they've been there for longer they may be more established in the community?

I don't know a lot about forces, but I thought there were also people who could help you and/or let you know about other services? Can you access anything like that?

There's no doubt that moving with children is hard. and I imagine that's even harder when you're in the forces and your choices are a bit more limited and you are going places you might not have chosen to go otherwise. Is it worth posting where you are or what language your'e dealing with in case there are mums netters who might be able to help?

Also, depending on where you are, you don't have to rely on other forces' families do you? If your'e somewhere relatively mainstream can you find other english speaking groups to join that are outside of the forces?

It's really not mainstream where we are, it's forces or nothing although I am learning the language albeit slower than I would I like. The nursery here that the wives use and works with the forces that be is very expensive, I've been googling other places and think one looks great. I know I need to start pulling myself together because I'm no use to anyone the way I'm feeling. I just wish my husband could understand more of how I feel...It's hard.

Ah lovely. It sounds tough. I only kept my sanity because I had a big group of friends with children and we did lots of stuff together. And having someone to talk to who is going through the same makes it normal and easier.

Do you have any local friends who speak the language which could help you organise childcare?

I once said to a colleague of mine exactly what your expressing ...how does everyone do this? She replied just because you don't see the other mothers cry at their office chairs does not mean they are not crying at home :) It was so true.My children are older now but I remember well my husband coming home and I'd be sitting on back step off house crying!!!,

It's very hard on a relationship as well.It's a lovely time but also a fraught time. Try talk to your husband again.What your experiencing is very common and it'll get better.x

As a side note my DH told me years later he used to cry in car on bad days!!We are very close and have been together for 25 years now and I'd no idea.Maybe your husband is struggling too you should ask it might help him /you sort the problem out.

Hello! Just wanted to pop back in and thank everyone that took the time to post. Things have really improved and it was a massive help to put my thoughts down in writing and see that I wasn't alone. Made it easier to get out what I need to my oh without crying(becoming hysterical ). Thank you again and happy Easter!