Is this behaviour a result of mental health issues? Or are they just horrible?

[Aria2015]

If someone has a customer facing job and is pleasant and nice but at home they have massive anger issues, lash out verbally (sometimes physically) or just give the silent treatment and ignores everyone. Do you think they might have mental health problems? Or does the fact they behave differently (nicely) at work and with friends mean they do actually know how to behave but they just choose not to at home? Also, do you think someone who has such bad anger issues can change? If so, what kind of thing would help them change? My gut reaction is to feel like they are just a horrible person but I know some people suffer with hidden mental health issues and I don’t want to right someone off if they can’t help their behaviour.

sounds like choice to me

Think sometimes it takes all their strength to act normally and they can't continue with the pretence at home. Too exhausting for them. Think mental health issues. Have you spoken to them about it?

I've tried talking to them but while there is some acknowledgement that the way they behave isn't nice, others are blamed for driving them to feel that anger and act the way they do. The problem is, when people make an effort to behave in the way the person says they want them to behave, they don't respond to it. Eg. They say that no one ever asks them how they are or if they're ok but when people do, they just ignore them or give one word answers.

This reminds me of every teenager ever - lovely to everyone else, usually horrendous to those closest where they feel loved unconditionally. Maybe this person is reliving their teenage years...but mental health issues, no probably not.

LesIsMiserable - that's exactly what this person is like! A stroppy teenager but in an adult body. Mind you the level of anger expressed by this person is more than I've ever seen in a teenager. Problem is that teenagers grow out of their unreasonable ways, not sure what the chances are of someone over 40 growing out of it unfortunately.

Sounds like someone who is at the end of their tether and really hates their work! They can only show their true feelings to people they love and trust. A bit like a toddler who goes ape sh!t when the parents turn up and becomes all angry and violent.
Seen it lots of times. A manager at my old office was always super polite to customers and others in the office. But as soon as she was away from work it was blinding F language non stop!

He's an abusive arse. Lashes out physically then blames others for making him angry? Have a read of Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that", you'll find him described in there.

Does it matter?

A MH diagnosis isn't a free pass to be a dick.

I'd argue that everyone who is a total dick obviously has MH problems. Why would putting a label on a problem make it acceptable?

If someone is actively seeking professional help to change some of their behaviours then I would likely cut them some slack. That applies whether or not they can be diagnosed with a specific MH condition.

If the person is not taking serious steps to change then I would not be tolerant. I don't care if they've got a diagnosis of something or not.

PoisonousSmurf - I'd be surprised if work was the issue because this person maintains they love their job because they get to meet lots of people and no day is the same. Unless they aren't been honest?

Anyway, no efforts are being made to change their behaviour and I think RunRabbit makes a good point, even if they do have mental health problems, that's not a free pass to treat people badly.

Thanks for your replies. You've made things a bit clearer in my mind now.

Someone who chooses exactly who to take their temper out on.

They know if they did it at work, they would get the sack/arrested because it is 100% unaceptable & abusive.

NotTheFordType - just looked up that book and read some of the online snippets. There are definitely similarities. Thanks for the suggestion.

If that's your partner then they're abusive
Ltb