Different types of female friendship

[Whooshandtheyweregone]

My main experience of female friendship is proper close friendship - knowing everything about them, going to their house, knowing most details of their life, getting to know their DC and family and them mine. Being able to - if asked - say how they feel about things, taking their side in disagreements. I’ve always assumed that if people did not want that kind of friendship with me then they did not want a friendship at all.

But i’ve met a few women through different areas (actual professional work. voluntary and community things I do, and school gate ) who seem to like having me around but are not interested in getting to know me well, nor me know them well. They invite me to events that they organise, ask me how I am, introduce me to people, show interest when a new thing happens to me at work or at home, socialise with me in groups, but they are not interested in going any deeper than that. Sometimes I will turn up to an event they invite me to and not speak to them at all because they are too busy - or they will not make it a priority to speak to me. Just a wave across the room.

I previously took this as a rejection, but i’m seeing now that it is just a different sort of friendship. They are reliably nice and friendly, they respect me, will send me work or things unrelated to work which they think I might be interested in, and there is a security in the sense that they are not going to suddenly blank me or turn against me. But then they are not going to tell me their deepest secrets either. And these friendships have been going on for years and there’s a kind of robustness in the consistency.

They don’t side with me in disagreements. They are mainly neutral.

I don’t know if i’m explaining this well. But what would you say these people are to me? And do you have friendships like this?

To be honest I don’t think I’ve ever had a relationship such as you described in your first paragraph with anyone except my DH.

Certainly not as an adult, possibly as a teenager but even then I kept my secrets to myself.

I wouldn’t expect any of my friends to take my side in an argument unless they actively agreed with me.

I have friends to visit my home and family but even my closest friends don’t know every detail of my life or my darkest secrets. I only have that kind of relationship with DH.

I have lots of female friends though. I have some very longstanding, close friendships but we don’t place the kinds of demands on each that you are implying.

I suspect that you are risking throwing away the potential for interesting, rewarding friendships because these women aren’t throwing their hearts at your feet.

You are asking for a level of vulnerability and trust that cannot be forced.

My experience of female friendships is like yours, OP — extremely close and on a deeper level. I think a lot of female friendships are like this. But it takes time to get there. Perhaps it isn’t the right time for you to get closer to the friends you speak of, it all depends on the phase of life they are in. I would keep the friendship going and enjoy it for what it is. It may become closer in time.

I personally haven't experienced the type of closeness you describe except perhaps once when I was about 14 and had a best friend for a couple of years in school. We drifted apart and don't speak anymore.

I'm not one of those 'I get on better with guys' types - I try and take people at face value regardless of gender - but my experience has been that I've always been much closer and much more open with my male friends. I find a lot of women (with exceptions, of course) much more guarded and like what you describe in the latter part of your post.

Mostly, though, I think it's just different people. Some you instantly click with and want to spend time with and feel comfortable divulging personal things to, others remain more peripheral acquaintances. That isn't a gender specific thing in my experience. And I agree with PP that close friends shouldn't automatically be expected to take your side in disagreements - remain supportive, yes, but that doesn't mean they can't disagree

Friendships can be like the layers of an onion. Anything from fair-weather and superficial, to deep and enduring like a marriage.

You can't have the marriage type of friendship with everyone, or even with more than one or two people - it would be exhausting and far too time consuming.

If you are the sort of person who always feels let down by others not giving as much of themselves as you give to them then perhaps you should ask yourself if you are a little too clingy, needy or intense?

Plenty of casual friendships work because of the time, place or circumstance (such as an ante-natal spin-off group or school gate mums who occasionally have a night out, or meet for coffee.) but those people are not necessarily going to drive 50 miles to see you if one of you moves away. There is nothing wrong with that, you just need to be realistic about your expectations.

I have very, very few friends I would tell my deepest secrets to and very few people I could stomach spending time several times a week without wanting to strangle them or slipping into a coma through boredom. I would find it incredibly claustrophobic. Not everyone needs those sorts of friendships.

Think I would run a mile at the first type of friendship you describe...way to full on for me personally, that's not to say it's wrong though, just people are different. I have a close set of friends 30+ years from school days. 2 of them have been in abusive relationships that they told none of us about at the time. I have another friend who because I have an illness checks in on me by text every day to see how I am, would never tell her as I know she means well but find it annoying some days as just don't want to talk.
I think the older you get the harder it is to make the deep connections you speak of and certainly take more time to develop.

I am very loyal and supportive of my friends, but I can honestly say I don't have the type of relationship you talk of in your first paragraph with anyone. I couldn't cope with it and it would actually make me anxious.

All my friendships are like you describe your current ones and I consider I am lucky to have excellent friends. The first description sounds very full on like teenage friendships.

I can count on my friends and they me but we don't agree with each other without limits, good friends surely tell you if you're being a twat?

My friends that I see regularly are like you describe. Other than that, I know lots of women who are the mums at school etc who I'll see at parties, school gates and are really nice but it's more general chit chat.