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[UserFran43]

My partner of 10 years has an active profile on a dating website. I found out this weekend when he received an email containing new 'matches' whilst sat next to me. I checked it out prior to confronting him as thought it could be one of these spam type emails but no it is a live profile with a fairly recent picture. Queue me calmly bringing it up, can you tell me why there is a.... And him relaying an embarrassingly stereotypical script ''I don't know. Then, oh I went on there once years ago. Oh right, why a recent picture? It must be pulled from Facebook (obviously it doesn't work like that). Then suddenly he signed up when we were not together. We separated for a short period 4 years ago during which he appeared distraught and wanting reconcilliation. The profile picture is more recent than this. He swears he has done nothing wrong, has no reason to be on a dating site, loves me to death, is fully committed to our future etc. He did briefly try the I can't believe you don't believe me victim card but quickly realised that I was not going to rise to any such gaslighting rubbish and I was going off what was in front of me. It does seem a bit out of context as there has recently been quite a big life event and he has been slightly more anxious than usual but nothing that seemed directed at anything other than this. A few weeks ago there was a period where he seemed more aware of what he was doing on his phone than usual, although this could also have been related to the life event so I didn't think too much of it. He does have form for being unfaithful historically (as in was a bit of a player / insecure type that 'needed to feel wanted' when younger) but not (that I am aware) during our relationship. After I confronted him I left the house. He immediately tried to call, then text with justifications and went onto the profile to remove the picture and amend his 'location' from our home town to somewhere more generic. I am by no means naïve and would like to think I have good boundaries in my relationship. He says he 'would not do anything to jeopardise what we have'. I would like to believe him but don't due to his past behaviour and what is being dangled in front of my nose. Not sure why I am posting... similar stories, reactions?

My reaction would be to break up with him. Do you have kids?

He says he 'would not do anything to jeopardise what we have'

But he already has. Then blatantly lied about it trying to stumble his way through an explanation.

Do you have DC together?
It's not looking good though.
Could you do some digging on his phone?

You can check in settings the 'battery' and find out what apps he's been on recently and what % usage it's been at.
Ask for his phone and see if you can do that.
If he won't hand it over, well then that tells you all you need to know!

Thanks both. No there are no kids to consider thank goodness. You're right I guess I hoped there would be a unanimous vote that in ending it I would be over reacting.

Hellsbells I imagine he would have deleted any 'evidence' now he's aware that I am aware. He is now saying that he used to use dating sites when he was 'feeling lonely' but not actively whilst we have been together. I'm now sat here thinking how stupid I have been to think this person had genuinely grown / changed his ways.

It doesn’t sound like he will ever change. It’s time to call it quits. You don’t want to find out about his various hook-ups and affairs when you have a 6 week old baby to care for.

Find someone who respects you, ie someone who could never be referred to as a player.

Indeed. I plan to find somewhere to stay tonight and work on the logistics of separating. No children out of choice but either way I would never bring a child into this situation. Thanks again

He can't delete that evidence though.
See if it's on your phone.
Settings - battery - wait a few seconds.
Scroll down and it shows usage.
He can't tamper with that!

Oh I see hells. Sorry I misunderstood. Not sure it really matters to me at this point. You would expect a 50 year old professional male to be aware that having a live dating profile whilst cohabiting with someone they refer to as their life partner and the love of their life is unacceptable

Absolutely - but some people (including myself in previous relationships) want 'proof'
It's true, we don't need it but we want it before we change our lives forever.
You are strong enough to not need that and just end it and that's a really good thing.

And him relaying an embarrassingly stereotypical script ''I don't know. Then, oh I went on there once years ago. Oh right, why a recent picture? It must be pulled from Facebook (obviously it doesn't work like that). Then suddenly he signed up when we were not together

To me this is the worst bit of it actually. Fair enough to come clean and say look I'm sorry I signed up when we weren't together and I still sometimes use it for flirty entertainment [or whatever he would say] but I think that kind of lying about it speaks volumes.

First he starts of lying - never good.
Second it's gas lighting and treating you like an idiot - twice (old/FB takes picture - I mean who would believe that?)
Third it suggests he has a guilty conscience and is lying because he does have something he wants to hide and not just a profile used for the odd bit of entertainment with no real intention.

And all of that's before you get to

Fourth the problems with having a live dating profile if you are in a long term cohibiting relationship.

You just don't know how long this has been going on. I'd break up with him.

Too many lies makes it hard to trust him again.

Yeah I think you shld break up with him too
He's been lying to you

Thanks everyone. Hells I'm not sure about strong enough not to need proof, absolutely understand why people would want this. Truthfully I think I always had niggling thoughts in the back of my mind that he could revert to type and so was 'prepared' for the same. Some men hey.

How people can be so insincere. The epitome of the doting partner whilst checking out others online and god knows what else.

Take his phone off him and replace it with an old Nokia.

Be prepared for him to come out with more claptrap such as "my best mate set it up as a hilarious joke"

Followed by back-tracking: he just did it for a laugh, he's lonely, it's your fault because you're too cold to him, anything but the truth which is "I fancied shagging someone else even though we're supposedly exclusive."

Nottheford ridiculous isn't it. Some of the lies and 'justifications' are fit for the stage.

Having stated that I no longer want to be with someone of his character and will be looking for somewhere else to stay he has now 'absolutely not been on this website and has done nothing wrong'. Obviously it is completely normal to have online dating profiles out there and I am missing out

I really cannot understand why his response to this question was ultimately to take off the photo and to change his “location”. How does this help? If (and I don’t believe it for a second) he genuinely wasn’t using it anymore after you got back together, surely he’d delete the profile altogether now because he doesn’t need it (and to show you he means it), he wouldn’t just tinker with the settings. To me, that tells you everything you need to know. He doesn’t want to delete the profile, even now you’ve found it.

If I were you I’d change his location for him, permanently.

He immediately tried to call, then text with justifications and went onto the profile to remove the picture and amend his 'location' from our home town to somewhere more generic.

Similar to Angelf1sh, this is what stuck out the most in your post. Why not delete it completely after you confronted him about it??? Makes no sense to me.....

I've just checked and he has now deleted the profile completely. However has shot himself in the foot doing so as previously stated the reason it was still 'live' was that he didn't know how to disable it