Do you ever recover from betrayal?

[purplelass]

There are so many threads on MN where women are having to go through the hell of suspecting their partners are cheating on them (and are generally proved right I'm sorry to say), it's so sad...

I've been there myself, exH was emotionally supporting younger woman at work who was having MH and marriage problems. Although I told him so many times to step away as she was going to fall for him he didn't, she did, and it became an affair. They're still together nearly 3 years later and I wish them all the luck in the world but nothing will ever fully heal the pain that I went through.

I've been in a relationship for 2 years with a lovely bloke, but although we're definitely a couple there's no plans to get married or move in together, and I can imagine it staying that way. Sometimes I think it's the safest way - neither of us feel tied down so if we wanted to be with someone else then we could just walk away from our relationship.

I'm not saying it wouldn't break my heart again if he left because I love him to bits, but I just feel this way that we stay together because we want to, not because we have to.

Have I just had all the romance knocked out of me? How do you marry again when you knew first time round that you'd be together forever but it didn't work out that way?

How do you marry again when you knew first time round that you'd be together forever but it didn't work out that way?

This, this with bells on, I've been having similar thoughts myself recently having experienced a failed marriage some years ago and now in another long term relationship. I don't have the answer but am interested in what others have to say. Nice to know I'm not alone

Thanks Hale, it's not something that's been mentioned in my relationship thankfully, and maybe never will, but when you see people on their 2nd, 3rd, etc. marriage I'd love to know if they've been let down before how they'll ever be sure enough that it won't happen again...

I guess it depends on why people marry for some its about the big day itself, making a statement about their social standing or showing family and friends how committed they are, for others its the suggestion that marriage means financial stability, kids, having a shared name, religious and cultural convention around monogamy, having legal rights that you wouldn't automatically get if you just lived together...etc.

When you drill down to the root of it non of those things scream romance. On top of that no one HAS to stay married its always a choice you make, married or not people stay together until they don't.

I certainly think it changes your mindset as even many partners who seem incredibly trustworthy on the surface often seem to have a funny 5 minutes and become untrustworthy shits even to people they do genuinely think they love a lot and in many cases are totally baffled as to why they did become so, they cant explain it themselves either. I think its possible to recover, whether you ever feel 100% the same about that person is a different thing as is whether you can live with that change . I think you can still love, but with more waryness in there.

I agree yetmore - you can definitely love again, but for me at least it's different now. It's made me live for the moment rather than making wishful plans, and I think that my expectations are more realistic.

I used to be such a romantic though, and it makes me sad that that's been knocked out of me by the selfish actions of someone who was supposed to be my happily ever after...

Totally agree , I think the romantic love goes out the window

My faith in men and relationships has been completely shattered by my husband’s betrayal. A close friend has just been through a similar thing too and our partners were men I would have said were great guys with moral integrity who were loyal, trustworthy, and devoted to their wives. I couldn’t have see either of them ever cheating as they’re ‘just not like that’ but they both did and I was wrong. I feel like if they’re capable, anyone is and that is just so depressing.

I wonder if it’s worth destroying my family unit and completely disrupting my children’s lives by leaving because if I do, and meet someone else at some point, what’s to say the same thing won’t happen. It’s just shit really.

I am only 3 months post-discovery so it’s still very raw for me.

My first husband cheated on me with a work colleague when I had 3 young children. He wouldn't give her up so eventually ( I know) divorced him.
I have since remarried and am living happily ever ever - I hope!! I feel lucky that I've got a better deal second time round.
I 100% trusted my first husband. I only 99% trust this one.
Reading other people's experience of cheating husbands makes me feel bitter all these years later - not good. I shouldn't read stuff.

I don’t believe in forever and don’t believe that life should be restricted by only being able to love one person. I come from a very unconventional background though. By bit expecting the earth, I have founf a lot of peace with myself and a lot of happinesss

I think the good times of living together/children/marriage are worth the risk of it not working out - I survived it last time & I know I could survive it again.

I got married again, after my first DH cheated on me. You have to trust again!

You have to trust again!

I trust the guy I'm with, I just don't know if I can ever trust anyone not to change...

I'm completely disillusioned, I definitely feel I have had the romance knocked out of me. I just don't think I'll ever trust anyone that way again. I've know of so so many people who have betrayed their partners, I used to think I just 'had a good loyal one' until he did exactly the same and wove a whole web of lies. If I ever left my husband I think anyone new would be at a distance just in case

I have never been cheated on, not to my knowledge, so I can't sympathise with how it feels. But I think betrayal comes in many forms...my ex pretended to be something very different to what he was. He turned out to be a violent alcoholic. After we split (very sudden violent and traumatic end) I felt like he had blown my life apart. I'm sure it's similar when you find out about an affair, as though I had been living a lie. Many things came out of the woodwork after our break up. Lies he had told me, it was unbelievable the layers of shit I had to dig through. So in a different way but I definitely get the betrayal. Accepting how someone who you loved, trusted and shared your life with can treat you with such little respect is hard whichever way you look at it.
I used to be very trusting (probably too much) and a hopeless romantic. Now i couldn't imagine sharing my home and trusting another man to not turn on me again. I hope I do love again but I'm not sure I want to make myself that vulnerable again, if that makes sense.
The thing

I used to think I just 'had a good loyal one'
I thought that about my ex. His afair changed my whole view about what people are like. I was quite naive before, thinking that some people were honest and reliable and others not, and you could tell the difference. Now I don't think that, which does kind of put pay to real romanticism. But it is less judgemental, I guess!

If we go into a relationship with distrust as the default position we are onto a hiding to nothing. Distrust and suspicion are incredibly corrosive when your partner deserves to be trusted, and usually it will not be long before they have had enough.

So saying that, I think we have to adopt a position of trust when entering a new relationship, even though our previous experiences tell us that we have been treated appallingly by other partners.

I adopt a position of hope. I don't distrust my partner. I am just realistic about human beings in general.

The betrayals I've suffered have taught me that every human being is frail, frightened and capable of behaving awfully.

It's made me more compassionate but also more.realistic. I don't think the level of trust we tend to put in partners is healthy, tbh. Our culture is toxic when it comes to putting romantic love on this huge pedestal and making it mandatory that we conceal our flaws and weaknesses in order to be "relationship material"... Leads to horrendous secrets being kept.

Everyone is awful in their own way. Including me. Everyones primary relationship should be with themselves, not a partner... Build your life where you are the one you rely on... That makes it possible for one to simply enjoy ones relationships instead of fretting about whether they will end / be a disappointment etc

Xpc I don't completely agree, I think you need to work hard on your baggage before you go into another relatioship, I understand where you are coming from there.
But going forward I will not be giving my trust again from the get go. I wouldn't trust a stranger with my kid or home why should I trust them with heart.
From now on I will think anyone is capable of betraying, hurting, letting me down, because quite simply they are (except my immediate family) . I don't accuse anyone of doing it before they have or expect anyone to but I always know it's a possibility, so someone has to earn my trust now. The hard way. It's not a gift I give freely and automatically.