I am so afraid of turning into my father

[upsydaisydah]

Hi all - long time lurker but new poster. I'm really struggling so would massively appreciate some perspectives on this. I will try to keep this as short as possible without having to dripfeed.

I'm in my early twenties and my parents separated just after I turned 18. I've always had a bit of a distant relationship with my father, as a child I found him quite scary as he could turn nasty at the drop of a hat, he wouldn't often shout but didn't need to. I was a very good teenager, I have 2 disabled siblings so took on a caring role and very much recognised the pressure my parents were under so tried to be the "good kid". However if I ever did voice my opinions he would very quick to make sarcastic comments, sneer at me, put me down in a very clever way. I wasn't allowed to be upset or angry about anything. He would say things to me when my mum wasn't around, like "I know what you've done". I recognise he was emotionally abusive to my mum, particularly after my youngest sibling was born 5 years ago. He engineered her falling out with her family regularly, moved us around multiple times to isolate her from her friends. There's a huge history but I'd be here all day! Shortly before they separated I had began to notice just how EA his behaviour was, and questioned him which essentially meant he rejected me. It turns out he was having an affair for 9 months before my mum asked him to leave, but it was only discovered over a year after they'd split up. He paid my mum next to no maintenance for my siblings for two years until she went to CMS. He essentially abandoned us, very little visitation for my siblings. Now I am pretty much NC with him, I can go months without hearing from him and have no idea where he is most of the time.

The reason I'm posting is that I was recently diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I've been unwell for the best part of a year but started having suicidal thoughts in the autumn which gradually became significantly worse. At first I thought it was unprocessed stress from the separation (I'm a bottler and it's been drama after drama for years so when I think I've dealt with it, something else happens and everything comes back to the surface again) so I sought counselling. This helped a bit but I have now accepted I'm unwell, I'm on medication and having online CBT. When I started having suicidal thoughts they were frightening and I confided in a close friend. I wanted her to keep quiet but didn't seem to recognise the pressure and distress that must have caused to her. One of the symptoms of my depression has been withdrawing myself from my housemates and friends and I realise now this freaked her out as she was sure she'd find me in my room having done something. I was reminded of a period after my parents split that my father would regularly say he wanted to throw himself under busses, and then disappear for days on end. I'm also ridiculously paranoid about what others think of me, always want to appear good and not upset others, and I'm worried I inadvertently manipulate situations or people like my father does in order to appear the "good guy". I'm just so so scared of turning into him, I read so much about how people who are emotionally abused can turn into abusers themselves and I desperately don't want that to happen.

I don't really know what I'm asking, but I'm looking for some advice from people who have been in a similar situation where they've experienced EA and if they've felt the same way. Thank you

I’ve had similar worries, upsy. But the fact that you are concerned that you worried your friend suggests that you are empathetic and not manipulative.
I don’t know if your dad was alcoholic, but that picture of EA is familiar.
Perhaps have a look at the ‘laundry list’ on here:
www.adultchildrenofalcoholics.co.uk

Hey @AuntyElle, thanks so much. My father wasn't an alcoholic but I am 99% sure he does have issues with drinking now. He seems to have quite an addictive personality.

I recognise myself so much in the "laundry list". I relate to every single one of the points, it's like looking right into my soul. How very eye-opening - thank you.

This may also ring bells: m.huffpost.com/us/entry/us_59124c7de4b0e070cad709df
If it does that author has her own website.

I hope you get some healing op.

Actually, I trust you will. I also had a very rough start in life and, altho I don't think I'll ever be 100% (who is lol), I've experienced a lot of healing.

As pp says, you are empathic which shows you are not like him. You also know and acknowledge you were abused - those who go on to abuse are in denial about their own abuse.

I hope on your travels you can learn to love and cherish yourself. My heart goes out to you, you were exposed to a very very sick individual

I can understand your fears, I often have similar conversations with friends about my own fears about turning into my mother. Their advice is the same as I will give to you. You won’t, because you are self aware and you are working on yourself. These two factors are significantly different to your father who definitely was not self aware as if he was, he would have attempted to make amends for his behaviour. I still have concerns that some of my mothers traits may be repeated by me however, because I am so alert to them and adamant that they won’t I am very aware of my own actions and behaviour and adjust myself accordingly.

Hi Upsy

I have been through similar experiences, which i buried for a long time, and it all came to a head when i had my dd, my biggest fear was that i would end up being a self fulfilling prophecy... after years of being subtly bullied and diminished, alongside being told that you are loved and how much has been sacrificed for you... you end up with a skewed idea of what love and family connections are supposed to mean.

I saw a counsellor and the biggest lesson i learned is that if you are thinking about how your behaviour might appear, be taken, or develop, you are already winning... in order to be the kind of person your father is, you have to have an inability to reflect on yourself.

You sound like a lovely person who has hit some tomes of crisis... you need help and support and to be loved without condition... all of these will come, as soon as you can understand that you are a fine person, and the fact that you have driven yourself down some dark roads with the thoughts of becoming like your father is the reason you never will be x

Thank you all for your lovely, lovely replies - it made me want to cry! It's so nice (but also very sad) to hear from others who have been in the same situation with the same worries. Thank you.