Would you invite your sisters abusive partner to your wedding?

[Timetochange72]

I know there is 2 sides to this which is why I wanted opinions, my sister has an emotionally abusive partner, he’s never hit her as far as I’m aware. He calls her a cunt, bitch, slapper, whore, made her had sex with him after she had a hysterectomy, he’s had an affair, he’s made comments about my niece saying oh you are just making want to have an affair but (neice) will sort me out she’ll give me a blow job. Various nasty comments about me, as he knows I’m on to him, unfortunately he has managed to pull my sister away from me too. My future husband can’t stand the guy and I suppose I’m worried with alcohol flowing there may be some sort of fight later on. I feel very uncomfortable around him, we don’t want him at our wedding but is the right thing to do invite him for my sisters sake, I’m all over the place with this, what would you do?

Definitely don't invite this vile man for everyone's sake and peace of mind.

I would invite him. Two reasons. Firstly I wouldn't want him to take a lack of invitation out on her. Secondly I find that with abusive arseholes it's best to befriend them. I've had two friends in this situation. All of their friends made it clear that they didn't like their partners and both friends pushed their friends away and ended up cutting themselves off. I, made out like I got on well with their partners to their partners faces and took a diplomatic approach with my friends, ie I support you and I want to be there for you. Both friends would confide in me and I would offer support and advice where I could. I never said anything negative about their partners but I did gently question their behaviour when I felt it was safe. Both friends left their partners in the end and I was able to offer support throughout because I hadn't been cut off.

I'm not saying this will always work in every situation, it's just my personal experience. In your shoes I would be wanting to be as involved in my sisters life as possible even if that meant putting up with the arsehole at my wedding.

Maverick, that’s a really good idea but we are unfortunately way past that, he knows I don’t like him, he knows I know what he said about my neice and you’re right my sister has now pushed me away as she still wants to be with him! Oh and then he threatened to commit suicide once he knew I knew, pity he didn’t! I have told my sister how I feel about him and said it’s only because I care about you and hopefully one day you will see that, I will always be here for you but I can’t condone the way he treats you. She has never acknowledged that and she still pacifys him. I’ve been in abusive relationship myself and it’s awful, I got out eventually police involved courts involved, no one to help me no family but I did it and I know how hard and scary it is but sometimes I feel so disappointed in her, she says she feels it is her last chance for a relationship she is in her 50s, she tells me what he says and does so how can she expect me to like him. It would of been so nice to have her involved in my wedding but she hasn’t done or asked anything, it makes it worse my dad died last year and my mum 18 years ago so no one to help. But that’s what happens in abusive relationships I know 😞

I’ve done exactly what maverick has described with friends. I wouldn’t be able to do it in your situation though because I wouldn’t be able to remain detached enough re a loved family member, and because of the serious level of his particular abuse.

He will find reasons for abusing her whether you invite him to the wedding or not, even if you do invite him he would likely turn it into an opportunity to abuse her. He is responsible for his abusive behaviour, people cannot control the risk from the outside without your sister wanting it to stop.

Don't invite him.

I think I will send the invite to my sister and her dd to her work, then it is up to her, I really can’t bring myself to invite him, i feel sick at the thought of it. I don’t think she will come but I have to leave it up to her to decide. She’s already not coming to my hen weekend but that doesn’t surprise me !

Forget the wedding invitation, I think your niece deserves to know what type of man she may be sharing a house with on occasion.
I'm sure she'd be pretty shocked and upset if she found out later that he had said such things and no one had bothered to tell her.

If it's gone that far then I definitely agree it's a different situation. I don't know of I'd invite him to the wedding. I think on balance I probably wouldn't want to but would be worried about upsetting my sister. He'd either hold it against her or he'd use it and say "see your sister doesn't care about you". I think therefore I probably would invite them both. That doesn't make it the right decision for you though.

I think whatever I do it’ll be wrong tbh! It’s a really hard situation to be in.

And my sister is already upset with me for saying I don’t like him and standing up to him once. That’s why I’m best staying away from him and not getting involved at all.

I wouldn’t invite him and I’d explicitly say why too. I wouldn’t be prepared to normalise that shit by ignoring it. It’s not ok, not any of it and she needs to see that people aren’t going to tolerate it.

It’s your wedding and you should be able to have a wonderful day without worrying about an abusive loose cannon. Agree with not inviting him. It is perfectly ok and actually good to take a stand.

Thank you everyone for your opinions and advice c

Of course you don't like him. He's abusive to your sister. I know it's causing conflict now, but knowing that YOU have a high bar on her behalf will be doing something for her self-esteem. It's watering a seedling I hope.

That’s what I don’t get, she tells me all this shit and there is plenty more of it, like he makes her repeat ‘I am a cunt’ nd she does! Then she is surprised offended even that I don’t like him. What does she expect?

Wow. That is a lot for you to bear. I kept the abuse secret until I left so people werent really supporting me but they knew. And you listening/supporting her drains you but puts just enough fuel in her tank for her to continue.

Yeh I was getting really drained by it all, but also worried sick and I wanted to help but she wouldn’t except help and she’s still not ready to leave so there is nothing I can do. But it’s her choice who she decides to be with but she’ll have to except the consequences that comes with that and one of those things is we don’t want him at our wedding, it’s past the smile and wave stage now unfortunately

NO.. I would not invite him..

Who is looking out for the DN here?

Is she living with this abusive cunt and has no idea that he is - at a minimum - leering over her.

She at risk and vulnerable to sexual abuse or attack.

Your DSis is making an informed decision to stay.

Your DN needs this info - you need to give it to her.

I would separate the invites to DSis and DN! As there is a chance to keep the peace Dsis will avoid all issues by just shredding the invite at work! Can you email/text DN inviting her so she knows she is welcome regardless of the circumstances? Sounds like she needs to know there are people she can turn to for help/support while living in such a toxic environment

No, I would not invite him. He sounds horrible.

Tell her straight he will not be around your children as you believe he is a danger to them.
She may fail her children but you don't plan to fail yours.

He's a disgusting sexual pervert. It would be grossly irresponsible of you to invite him and let him be around your DD and any other young females in attendance.

Good I’m glad people agree with me, there is not a lot I can do about my niece she is in her 20’s and very close to her Mum so probably believes everything she says, she’s never told me about anything to do with him, I almost think she thinks this sort of relationship is normal. She knows I’m here for both of them that is really all I can do, if she was a child however I would be doing more but she isn’t. My step dad used to be leery towards me and did a few inappropriate things, I left Home eventually, my mum never knew anything about it, I have said she can come to me about anything but whether she will or not I don’t know, it’s almosy like she’s brainwashed too!

At the very least you should tip her off that he is leery towards her so that she in a position to protect herself.

This man is high risk and potentially very dangerous. How would you feel if he raped her (like he does her mother).

This is how some women managed to swerve Weinstein - because other women tipped them off. Others did not have this info and were sexually assaulted and raped.

She also needs to know that this is a very abusive relationship. If this is her "normal" - you need to tell her - with your benefit of experience and wisdom that it isn't.

We all have a responsibility to speak the truth when others are at risk.