Fed up trying!!

[Bub3017]

I found out that my partner of 11 years cheated on me before Christmas and my whole world fell apart as did our kids. I made the decision that I wanted to keep the relationship and try again. For me when I experienced hurt I had my vices - sex, drugs, drinking and partying hard and bulimia to help dumb the heartache. I've kids and epilepsy now so the only one of those vices I can use is sex now! My issue is that I'm not a cheat so will only have sex with my partner but he has been so reluctant to do so and this is further adding to my pain and really damaging the little self confidence I have left. Sex is an important part for me to heal because trust me if I could I would be out partying hard again but I can't and I can't even binge and purge because I don't want a seizure. I've bought myself a new sex toy as I binned all that was in the house in anger but its not the same. Do I just get rid of him and go on tinder and get the intimacy elsewhere when it's his weekend with the kids? Am I overreacting and being silly?

Have you separated or not? You're talking about "his" weekend with the kids (and btw knock yourself out doing anything you fancy of those days.)

You're being a tad ridiculous by feeling that you need some kind of vice in order to get over your trauma. That's not very healthy or constructive behaviour. What you don't need in your life is more drama.

If you're really interested in fixing your relationship or your attitude towards yourself, I'd maybe look into some counselling.

You dont need a vice to get over this. Its not healthy.

I am not sure if you are together. If you are, going out and pursuing sex with other men is not ok. Whatever the reason. Its not going to help you. Its the same as your partner did.

You need to find a healthy way to move past this.

What does keep the relationship going actually mean to you? How does seeking sexual gratification from strangers contribute to that goal? Given the impact your partner’s infidelity has had on your kids, do you really think it’s in their best interests for their other parent to go off indulging themselves?

Your previous coping mechanisms for heartache weren’t healthy and activities that numb the pain don’t help you deal with your issues. Maybe this is an opportunity to explore more mature, healthier and constructive ways to deal with pain.

I know they're not healthy coping mechanisms but they were a way for me to heal, as ridiculous as it sounds. And they're not coping mechanisms I can use now. I don't know what to do, it's been 3 months from I found out and I don't know where I'm going. I want to try and work through it all but I'm not sure where to begin as I've never been through anything like this before and have no one to confide in. I'm feeling lost and very down in the dumps.

Sorry you're going through this. Agree with the others: a vice is not the way to go. You can't not deal with this because you have no vice. Iykwim.

The status quo sounds miserable so unfortunately - for your own wellbeing - I think you are going to have to go through the pain and loss. But knowing that it won't always feel this bad and you will come out the other side stronger, happier.

You can get support but no vice will help I'm afraid.

Focus on you and your children. You are worth more and it will get better. Have you any support? Family? Friends?

Honestly, I think it's a blessing you can't turn to those things - it would only make things worse and mean you are absolutely not dealing with it.

I'm sorry you and your children have been so hurt. You don't deserve that.

Of course you're feeling down in the dumps. And you will do for a while but it WILL get better but only if you face it. What you're feeling is normal and to be expected. There's no magic wand to take it away. Time will help. You can get there.

Could you go to the GP and ask about counselling for yourself. Think support rather than vice maybe? It might help you find strength to work out what you want to do.