Recently widowed

[Darnley]

Lost DH 3 months ago, have had to put our house on the market, have moved and am trying to keep our business going.
I am a good cook, enjoy cooking, but am just eating crap at the moment. Does it get better...

I can't advise whether it gets better but wanted to send you . Sounds like you have had a bloody lot to deal with in 3 months. You must be exhausted

Thanks. That’s probably the understatement of the century.... it’s not all I have going on, but that’s a whole other , very long, thread.

By the way, love your user name. Have you ever hear of Facscinating Aida...

Definitely an understatement... kind of difficult to know what to say when I read your thread, just thought 'bloody hell, what a woman'. Just googled Fascinating Aida hadn't heard of them before. I assume from the photo that they appreciate a sequin or two.
What sort of crap are you eating at the moment?

Chicken bloody nuggets, ham sandwiches and crisps. I really want to cook again, good food, I crave cabbage of all things, but I just can’t be bothered. Red wine seems to be the answer, and chicken nuggets .

Fascinating Aida do a number called sew on a sequin, it’s probably on YouTube.

Am not sure I would say better, but in my experience your grief will soften over time and you will create a new life for yourself.

The advice I was given when I lost DH in an accident, was to be very kind to yourself. Do what you want to do, when you want to do it and in a way that feels right for you. If you need help, ask for it. Friends and family will be wanting to support you, they may just not know what it is that you need.

Thank you, you’re so right. My friends and family have, and continue to be brilliant, but it’s me. I just can’t be bothered. I’m sitting here now, desperately tired but I don’t want to go to bed. Like so many other nights, I’ll prbably just fall asleep on the sofa.

So sorry about your DH

Take care of yourself. My sleep pattern to quite a while to get back to any normality. I would recommend trying to get back to sleeping in bed, as I did what you did (sleeping on the couch) and I became sick with exhaustion - well the whole losing DH had a lot to do with that, but lavender baths, warm bed and getting into a routine of bed before midnight really helped me get back on track with health.

Do whatever you need to get you thru atm though - 3 months is very very early days. You sound strong and resourceful, I admire you.

I’m sorry for your loss Darnley - we’ve spoken before I think?

It’s still very early days for you, you’re probably still in shock. Imo it will get better to some extent but it’ll never go away completely. There’ll be times when you feel you’re dealing with it ok, and other times when you feel completely overwhelmed. Don’t be too hard on yourself if you feel you’ve regressed, it’s all part of the process.

I hear you on the food and sleep issue. As far as sleep goes, I’ve tried everything I can think of, including prescription drugs, and nothing has helped. I know that I’ve brought this on myself by deflecting any upsetting thoughts at night time and refusing to switch my brain off. It’s now become such an entrenched habit that I’ve totally messed up my sleep pattern. So I’d advise you not to go down that route if possible! As others have said though, routine is important.

I don’t know if you’ve had, or would consider, any bereavement counselling? I didn’t think I needed any as I felt I was dealing with it. But I’ve recently decided that I do actually need some help to come to some sort of acceptance. Maybe it’s something to consider?

I’m trying to think of other things that have helped me but aside from the obvious things like the love and support of friends in rl and on-line, nothing’s jumping out at me! It’s just one of those horrible arduous processes that we have to work our way through in the best way we can. There are no rights or wrongs.

Wishing you all the very best.

I understand the not going to bed thing Darnley. My bereavement counsellor told me that this is totally normal.

She encouraged me to make my bedroom very cosy with lovely cushions, throws, books, flowers etc and then treat it as my safe space.

It really worked for me. When I couldn't cope, I would go there and cuddle up to watch a film. Even now, years later, it is still my safe space !!

I’ve not been in your position Darnley, but I am married to a man who was widowed, so I can safely say his life did get better. I’m not being boastful, it’s what he tells me.
Do you think you could make yourself a nice healthy pot of veggie soup of maybe a chilli, just something you know you will enjoy and that will do you good. Then you can just dip in when you’re hungry.
💋