Other half family from hell

[bahimi]

i have been with my partner 3 years and we just recently bought a house. we are both 28. we have no children and are not engaged. when i first met my OH he lived at home with his mum dad and sister. they didnt come across like a close family and he never said they were. his mum told me when i first met him how his sister didnt have many friends ( his sister is 30 this year). the sister started of polite but over the time they have all become out of control with the way they treat me. It started with the sister who was obviously jealous her brother had a gf, she was single and would do things like invite him to the gym when i was at his house ( which he went to, and left me in the house) ask him to go visit family but make him aware it was 'family' only so therefore i was not invited. His mum told him to not neglect her now he had a gf which i found odd, she was 27 when we met. now she has a partner and is even worse. We dont talk because i became sick of how i was treated, i could openly hear his mum and sister talk about me in the house. They would say to him im rude but i didnt feel like i had anything to say after i said hi because everytime i was in their company they would just talk about other people which i found draining.When we completed on our property nobody congratulated us, instead they ay things to him like are you sure you can afford to buy, and is it a bit soon. I never have taken money of my partner and earn more, yet he basically pays their mortgage in rent and is constantly giving them money.The mum wasnt ambitious with her career choice which is fine but blames it on having children ( even thought they are now 28 and 30) and i feel has a problem with the fact i carved out a good carer and encouraged her son to start his own successful business when they told him never to start his own business. it came to a head recently and i walked out their home with the intention of never returning. I have never been rude, never spoke about them to my partner- only told him when i found their behaviour unsettling. Now we have bought and moved ( it took him 3 months to even tell them we bought) i feel anxious about them coming to our home. They emotionally blackmail him, he gets texts saying how they will struggle without him and he should remember they were around before i was. I try not to talk about them as they are his family and he gets mad pretty quick when i do and says ive always had a problem with them, which isnt true i just realised very early on they couldnt accept their son being with someone who could potentially bring more to his life then what they offer. His mum trys to compete with presents etc and it makes me feel uncomfortable, im his gf not his mum, nor do i want to be.I feel like i was bullied for 3 years and dont know how to ever accept them.In the time i was with him i never took anything from their house,, i would even bring my own bread, yet they would eat my shopping or dinner even though i was only their once or twice a week.They have caused me alot of anxiety and i struggle to relate to people who talk about other people constantly and it always seems to be people who have made a success of their lives. I know they will have to visit but i dont know how to act, i havent seen them since i walked out of his house. i dont expect my partner to have a problem with them but there is lists of reasons i dislike them and im unsure how to move forward with my partner.some of the things he doesnt see as rude as hes been brought up around it but i am going to struggle being around them.

Op, please think carefully whether your partner is worth the issue of his family for the next 30/40 years......Can you stand it and do you want to be with him enough to try?

I think you need to just go out when they come round.

They sound extremely odd and unwelcoming to you.

Tell us Korea about how your partner responds when you raise your concerns. This is important. Does he see your point of view at all?

This sounds very draining. Is your partner worth it? I would really have a think if this is what you want your life to look like.

Korea?!?! More!

He does sound quite heavily enmeshed in a bad family dynamic. That is unlikely to change if he has no insight jnto this unpleasantness and thinks it all totally normal, with you being the problem. Think very very carefully about bringing kids into this environment.

Hello! Fellow nightmare-family-sufferer here! My MIL calls herself "mummy" to my baby and pretends her and my DH are her parents... SIL texted me horrific abuse when I decided to go back to work! Huge essays about how I am 'disrespectful', 'immature' and don't 'take responsibility for the consequences of my actions' wtf does that even mean?

Anyway it gets worse. FIL had affair with my best friend (same age as me and DH) and they now have 2 kids. Youngest is same age as ours.

Christmas is weird. Birthdays are weird. I kind of want to move to Australia.

Why are you attracted to your partner?

He seems quite hard work, from your post, tbh.

so my partner only sticks up for me when he actually sees it happening, he stuck up for me when i walked out because h watched them be rude to me for no reason and i just smiled, went into his room got my stuff and left. His mum text me a week later trying to justify what happned but by then i already knew about what she had said to my partner about them being around longer and its obvious they are no good for me.

If he doesnt see it happening then he gets mad and says im trying to create a problem. eg- i told him i overheard the talking about me and when he confronted them they denied it so he asked me to apologise for mishearing them.

i see why the sister has little friends and the parents ont have much of a life either but i cant understand why they would begrudge their son happiness.
I often debate if its worth it but he is a good partner- in three years the only rows we have had are over his family. His sister cries that im taking her brother away and has done for 3 years and then the mum will text him saying the sisters upset. Christmas day i had a panic attack on the way to his and as soon as i was in the toilet they started asking him what my parents bought him and how much they spent and then will say things like money isnt everything.
the mum emotionally blackmails him, will send texts thats shes been crying at the thought of him leaving etc my mums upset im leaving home but not once has she text me when im at work saying how she will struggle etc. She is overly nice infront of him but ive heard her talk about me and when shes had a glass of wine she makes comments when hes oout the room,

i feel like long term i cant actually bring myself to want to be in a room with them so i dont know what to do next.

Hi op
It sounds like there is a power struggle between you and them, with him in the midddle.

Your trying to,change him for the better and they don't want it change him at all
Maybe they see you as bullying him or turning him against them.

You come across as slightly snobby and he's good enough for you now, because of his business and you advising him. Now because he doesn't back you up against them you are not happy.

I wonder why you bought a house with all this drama going on, it's obvious your not happy.

he is a good partner to me, we laugh alot and have great memories. I am lucky as i would say i have a good upbringing, my parents are respectful even to people they may not necessairly liked and are always horrified when i tell them whats happened. They dont want to meet his parents as my dad will struggle with the fact he thinks they are bullies. Sometimes when i say to my partner well i dont think its ok to act like that my parents dont treat people like that he thinks im saying mine are better than his. I know its awful but i do think that sometimes, i think arent you embarrassed they are so rude and nasty to other people.

i havent asked him to change at all, i was happy when he worked for someone else, infact it was less stressful as i didnt have to worry about whether he was earning etc.i was with him two years before his business, i just encouraged him to go solo which is something he wanted to do but was told by his family its a bad idea. I encouraged him to do what makes me happy and that i had faith he would make a success.. i also took on a second job so we wouldnt need to worry about money while he was in the first year of his business.

Its not a case of them not wanting to change him, they see him as a bank account, they also do not own their house which again is fine but just because they didnt manage to doesnt mean he cant own his own one and they arent happy for him.

I have bought the house as i have no problems with our relationship just his family, i was always planning to buy and would of last year but we decided to get a place together instead.

OP the only way I have found dealing with people that meddle like this is to a) let your DP catch them in the act so never ever be alone with them, make sure you always have himwithin earshot if possible. Or b) just don't engage, have a frank conversation with DO and say this is how you feel, explain that you'll be polite if you ever encounter them but won't actively engage with them and here's the important part: don't ever stop him from seeing them or show your discontent, he will take offence. And if they're talking shit about you to him well then at least he's seeing first hand how much they think of you.

It's hard and it does take patience but don't sweat the little things. So what if the Mum asks what your parents got him as presents and how much. That just says more about his mum than it does about you or your parents. Sooner or later he may well just get sick of the questions and stuff.

A lot of it is not letting them get under your skin, they're here to rock the boat and you just need to keep a cool head and not let them get in the way of your relationship. It is jealousy on their part and they will play dirty but the problem is if you stoop to their level then it doesn't make you look like the bigger person.

Again I speak from a couple of years of experience, and if you hadn't just bought a house I would be telling you to LTB but the end game now is to make them be seen for who they are and for your DP to realise it on his own.

You make a few comments about his family that are a bit rude like his dm never managed to carve out a career for herself. Thats a horrible comment to make. I am concerned this guy is moving from one overbearing situation to another as you don't come acrooss too well in your post. I wonder how muuch effort you made initially. But saying that they sound very weird.

thats a comment she made about herself when she asked if i wanted children i said yes but not yet as im career orientated and she said well i didnt chose a carer i chose children. I made alot of effort, would cook for them all ( i set the table and they would come and get their plates of food and walk of into other rooms) and i always tidy up after myself. but conversation wise was a struggle as they judge everyone, they laugh about presents people buy them and call the presents crap, they slag people of with new cars etc saying they probably got handed the money and even people on tv they talk about. Any family party they come back from they stand in the kitchen and talk about others and after a while i struggled with finding things to say. I got a promotion at work and his family knew i was going for a new role, they asked if i got it and i said yes,, then my other half told me his mum was upset because she didnt get a promotion a few months back ( which i didnt know about) and she thought i was bragging. so the less i said i felt the better

My family are a bit like your OHs to be honest and it took me a while to see/accept/realise what was going on. For example everyone else in the room would be asked if they wanted a cup of tea accept him, he was not accepted as part of the family until we had been married a few years (we lived together to 7 years before we married but they thought it was just a phase!)

Anyway once I realised what was happening (He kept giving me examples like the tea thing and asked me to observe and I realised to my shock he was right) I put my foot down. I've made it clear that if I had to choose between my family and DH I would choose DH (and have done when they said he wasn't welcome to visit with me in the past).

Your OH needs to open his eyes to what is going on and get behind you on this and to learn to stand up to his family (Something I have found very hard as I was so conditioned never to upset my mother as it would make her ill) I've needed plenty of therapy regarding the family dynamics over the years too. My family have improved with me standing up to them and get on better with DH now days. Now if there are any issues (there was a minor one where he was shot down for doing something nice for me as a surprise the other day) DH and I can laugh about them a bit and then I make a big fuss to my family about what a lovely thoughtful thing he did for me and how much I loved it.

They sound absolutely horrible people from what you have said.