I really want to contact ExH

[CandleWithHair]

I’m absolutely NOT going to, but I have this overwhelming urge to and I don’t know how to make it go away, so I’m hoping some of you might have some good coping tips for me.

We split up two years ago, initiated by him and TOTALLY out of the blue to me; didn’t love me anymore, grown apart, wanted to be on his own yada yada yada. I asked at the time if someone else was involved and was told no. Tbh there was seemingly no opportunity for him to have been carrying on a physical affair as he was rarely out of the house outside of work. We’ve essentially been NC since the divorce.

But

About 7-8 months ago (through coincidence, I wasn’t seeking info on him) he’s living with someone else. Fine, that’s to be expected. But, in the last month I’ve also found out the woman in question is someone from his old job, who about a year prior to us splitting up I jokingly said he fancied (they were taking part in a work charity event together, he kept remarks about how funny she was etc).

Obviously it’s entirely possible they didn’t get together until after we split up, but there’s a niggling feeling, I just ‘know’ I suppose, that she was somehow involved in him checking out of our relationship, whether they were actually having an affair or not.

I really just want to email him or something and tell him what a despicable lying shit he is. I know there’s nothing to be gained from it, and it might not even be true, but due to the way we split, I feel like he left with all the power.
I had nothing. I was just LEFT, heartbroken, confused and with no answers. I feel like I have one now and I want to give him both barrels.

How can I stop myself from tormenting myself with this desire? I know it’s stupid and pointless and self sabotaging, but I can’t seem to switch it off, It’s even infiltrating my dreams FFS! I just want to forget him again. I was doing SO WELL until a couple of months ago when I found out about her.

Please help me wise ones of MN!

Write it down then rip it up?

Post here?

Ring a mate?

Don't message him. You won't get what you want or could end up as the OW

I think you already know that this isn't a sensible idea but I do appreciate why you would want to as well.

Why don't you write all of your feelings and hurt down on paper to get it out of your head then toss it in the bin or burn it. Don't let him control any more of your headspace.

Someone once told me that think about why you are sending something and the reaction you are likely to get back. He is likely to deny it and tell you to move on. It will cause you more upset.

Concentrate on the fact you've had a lucky escape and have no kids.

You have the rest of your life. He's given you your freedom. Own it. Xx

To delete /block all ways to contact him. You will feel liberated.

Dont message him because it will end up making you feel worse!!
Its natural to want to express anger but there isnt going to be any closure from it you will just end up feeling like you have lost control.
How would he react? Most likely thing is he wont respond at all which might make you feel even more angry. He maybe will just deny it, which again will make you more angry. Or theres a small chance he will confess and apologise which I think would make you feel really sad or just as angry.
Basically you wont feel any better you may feel much worse and youll have started a whole process of getting over it again because you will have had direct contact with him which will cause you to think of him etc etc

Just focus on your own life, do something that makes you feel good, take care of yourself and try to stop thinking and finding out about your ex.

It is very understandable to feel as you do but honestly contacting him will not end well for you.

At least now you know. Contacting him will only make him think you are a crazy bitch and he's glad he left you (don't give him the satisfaction).

He did you a massive favour, he showed you what a loser he is, you deserve so much better.

This happened to my friend. I supported her through it. She unleashed the hounds of hell on him even though they’d been split a good while. I told her not to but she couldn’t stop herself. This was a few years ago now and even she would admit it was a big mistake. She came out of it looking bonkers frankly. Whilst he looked like the good guy with the bonkers ex. Just cut contact with him. He’d never tell you the truth anywhere

Do you have children OP?

If yes - don't do it.

If no - Fill your boots.

I so agree with everyone saying no good will come of it, and I think windchimesabotage is spot on in asking what the expected reaction would be. Even if he DID confess, you’re right that that would somehow be worse. I do not want to get back into a tailspin over not being good enough and all the other negative thought patterns I had straight after we split.

But I just can’t get this sense of righteous indignation out of my head. He was so cruel to me when we split up, and knowing he must think he got away with it, I just keep having these thoughts where I really want him to taste even an ounce of the shame and humiliation he heaped upon me when he left.

i will try writing it out and destroying it, or maybe just reading it to my friends or something but I kind of see Anonymous point there.

PPs who said owning my freedom, that he did me a favour are bang on, and 99% of the time that IS how I feel, I just don’t know how to break out of this thought pattern. It’s so frustrating!

I’ve already deleted/blocked him everywhere, it’s just local acquaintances that are to blame for me knowing about this at all.

Ask people not to tell you things that are obviously going to be upsetting. I honestly don’t know why people tell you things like that, you didn’t need to know. It’s not like telling your friend their husband is on tinder which they clearly need to know about, this information has no positive effect on you but will obviously upset you.

I really wouldn’t contact him, you’ll come across as deranged and end up feeling worse because he’ll have even more power and everyone will think he did the right thing. I get why you want to though. I just have those imaginary fights in my head so I can make him respond how I want him to!!

I agree with writing it all down on a piece of paper and also take it one day at a time. Or one hour at a time if that is too hard - think "I won't contact him for one day" and then next day promise yourself that again.

Something else that might help is having a little fantasy imagining about what would happen if you actually do contact him - imagine the worst most hateful thing you could get back and how much worse/sick it would make you feel. Imagine if he doesn't bother to reply - threatens to report you to the police for harassing him - tries to really hurt you and tells you yes it was always this woman and how much better she is than you picking on all the things he knows you dislike about yourself just to hurt you and so on. Think of what would hurt you most and imagine him doing it or saying it. Should put you off.

Writing it down then chucking it is about getting it out of your head..

I think it does depend what you write and how engaged you become with his predictable denial

A one-off I know what you did, just so you know, message can be very effective and satisfying IMO

But you have to be prepared to then block so you don't engage in the idiotic response you will inevitably get

You've maintained your dignity so far, don't let this wobble undo that. Continue as you are, getting on with your life, he isn't worth your energy and being angry will only be giving the whole situation more power. Fuck him.

The problem is that he doesn't give a shit about you now, he might even laugh. So it can only make you feel worse.

Maybe one day, OP, when you bump into him and if he mentions about this woman. You could then say something that would show him that you knew about them all along. "Some people told me you started seeing each other when we had been still married."
I would of course be careful as people these days can take you to court if there's no proof. You should know you ex better of course.

Im not as decent as the previous pp and would be tempted to seek revenge along the lines of creating a new Facebook profile and messaging the new gf to say he’s cheating on her (with you the fake profile or email address that can’t be traced to you). You must know enough personal detail about him to make it seem credible. She’ll be thinking once a cheater etc after all he cheated on his ex gf (you) with me
He was def cheating with her - don’t contact him directly he’ll never tell you the truth. Mutual friends might if you pretend he already let you know?

If your suspicions are correct the only thing you will get is even more pain and resentment.

Let it be, sometimes ignorance is a blessing.

I've been very tempted to send my ex's new dw (the hidden other woman - "there's no one else" etc) a THANK YOU card.