It’s so hard to “be the bigger person”

[MemoriesOfAnotherFuture]

It’s so hard to be the bigger person, and hold your tongue/hold your silence, when you just want everyone to be able to see your ex for what they really are.

100% this

I hear you OP. Yes it is but I think long term it’s usually worth it. People closest to you know what an ass your ex is and that’s all that really matters. Mine has done some truly shitty stuff the past few months. I’m ashamed of just how much drama and stress he’s caused. He’s a crappy dad and is constantly posting on social media about how much he loves his kids and ‘nearly kills himself working so hard to provide for them’. It’s bullshit. He’s a lazy bastard and let’s them down all the time. I keep my mouth shut when mutual acquaintances make comments to me. His brother did say to me though ‘good fathers don’t need to constantly tell people via social media that they’re good fathers’.

Thanks for the replies. Ex was supposed to have 3yo DD yesterday 12pm-5pm. He texted at 11am that he wasn’t able to get here for 12 as he’d lost his keys on a night out the night before and had had to stay at a hotel in the city centre instead. I then didn’t hear from him the whole rest of the day so he didn’t have DD at all. Luckily at 3yo she is none the wiser. The icing on the cake is that he had posted a photo of Facebook from his night out last night with his new girlfriend for the first time and over 30 people have “liked” it. I had two people text me asking questions who hadn’t even realised we’d split up, never mind that he was seeing someone new. Dying to comment with a screenshot of his text and put “Looks like a good night, shame it meant you couldn’t see your daughter today as planned”... but obviously won’t.

I would! Teach that fucker to post things online.

Just re-read what I wrote and I meant his night out with new gf the night before- Friday night, he posted the photo. Then Saturday he was “unable” to turn up to have DD for just 5 hours. As it happens I am also seeing someone new but I am not even friends with him on Facebook as I am so concerned with keeping my personal life discreet at this stage.

So he stayed with his new girlfriend and that's why he didn't have his dd? Made up lost keys etc as he knows he's a dick for ditching his toddler for a GF?

#wanker

I hear you op

Who knows whether he really lost his keys or not, it wouldn’t actually surprise me as even when we were together he was always losing keys, phones, wallets as he’s so careless. I knew he was on a night out with new gf on Friday night (I already knew when I saw the photo he posted on fb), I had earlier suggested he come for DD at 11am but he has said no 12pm as “it might be a big night”. That’s fine- I’m not a martyr, when I don’t have DD I like a night out too and a lie in. But what I don’t get is he texted at 11am it say about the keys and that he wouldn’t make it for 12 and I felt like saying well just get in a taxi then? You’ll be here by 12? But he would say taxi too expensive and then I would say but a hotel wasn’t too expensive? Or he would say but I need to go and sort out my lost keys and I would say well how much do you want to see your daughter? And then it would turn into a fight. So when he texted at 11am I just said ok, and then I didn’t hear from him anything else until 6pm when he texted “Sorry about today. What are your plans tomorrow?”. I wonder whether new gf knew he was due to have DD and didn’t make it. I also do feel sorry for her as I have a feeling he’s still pursuing tinder hook ups despite getting to the momentous relationship moment of posting a Facebook picture together with her.

I don't think I could help myself putting a comment like you said OP. Although I'm quite impulsive... people like this tend to swan about not giving a shit.
Although like you said, probably not a good idea in the long run.

It’s just another shit thing in a sea of shit things when you have to be the only grown up. I hear you.

But you need to play the long game. The long game is about stepping up the more the other parent lets DC down.

It’s facing dick moves with relentless and assertive reasonableness.

It’s accepting you can’t polish a turd.

This is the man whose main concern in our organising of our first Christmas Day since separating was whether or not he would have to drive anywhere to collect/see DD because it is his god given right to have a drink on Christmas Day.

I have one of these too. It is lonely and infuriating.

There really is nothing you can do to make him grow up and be a better father though.

Totally agree with Offred. I still have to be the responsible adult all the time even though we’re no longer together. Always showing relentless and assertive reason. My children are young and I know he’ll be even less reliable when he starts his new job and gets into a new relationship. I remind myself that when they grow up I’ll have a close bond with them and he won’t. It’s his loss and he doesn’t know it. People may like his Facebook posts but trying to show them what a selfish prick he is will only end up making you look like the bitter, crazy ex. It’s shit, I know.

Oh I know, I would never really do it (post a Facebook comment), I was just fantasising about it. Hence the thread title- it’s so hard to be the one who remains silent, but I will as I know it’ll be worth it in the end.

Oh I hear you Memories. It’s why I vent about my ex so much on here, at least that way I don’t do or say something I’ll regret.

Have to laugh when I see comments on his pictures of dd on insta though, all ‘what a great dad you are’ ‘she’s so lucky’ all posted from women. Very tempting to put ‘yep it’s easy being Dad of the year, when you only do it one day a week’. Of course I don’t though.

Oh god yes emboo... XP’s Facebook is full of that kind of thing... It’s really hard not to get enraged...

I don’t understand why so many people encourage him, he’s not even a ‘good enough’ father, has a relationship with them that is more like an uncle, doesn’t have any responsibility.

Even re money he CBA. He didn’t pay me anything for about 3 years, then didn’t pay CSA for 2 years (kept saying ‘I’ll make a card payment tomorrow’ then avoiding their calls) until they garnished his wage. Now it recently changed to CMS and they gave him a chance to direct pay (I was not keen on that as I knew he wouldn’t) and he just ignored all the letters and we ended up on collect and pay....

Rise above it and don't lower yourself to post your laundry on FB, far too many folk do this and it's cringeworthy.

Totally get your frustration though.

It's so hard to rise above it but worth it in the end.